A Sisterly Argument (Edited)
“Sister”
Celestia whimpered in her sleep.
“Sister please wake up.”
Celestia mumbled through her sleep “Please tel… me..” Luna had been going at this for at least an hour already; it was time to wake her sister Luna raised one of her hooves and quickly jabbed her sister in one of her eyes. The intended reaction was instant.
“AWWWW! Luna why did you do that!” Celestia howled holding one of her hooves up to her swelling eye.
“Day court is about to start in a hour how do you think our subjects would have reacted to you asleep on the floor in your messy state, I bet they would have even attempted to pass a law saying that your servant had to make sure you sleep in a bed from now on.”
“Thank you Luna but did you really have to do that, how do you think that our subjects will react to my eye.”
“No but it was fun for me and you know as well as I do that we Alicorns heal incredibly fast.” Luna said with a smirk “By the way I heard about yesterday evening, the guards said they heard a scream and an explosion but by the time the guards came into the room you were screaming in your sleep alone in the room just who was that pony?”
“Well my dear sister I currently don't have any recollections of my dreams last night and if my suspicions are correct that pony could have been Twilight Sparkle or at least an associate of hers, however that pony was easily as massive as you.” Celestia answered with a frown growing on her face from not being able to remember.
“Do you really think so? Twilight left Equestria and disappeared from the world over a decade ago by her own accord why would she suddenly show up now? and for what reasons?” Luna stammered.
“Luna don’t you remember what freed you? It was Twilight and her friends” Celestia said as she levitated over a nearby painting of them. “Her friends…” she continued “It’s obvious she’s found or achieved what she wanted and wants to return to them.”
“Tia I just don't want to see you grieving again, do you think even if she is returning that her friends will accept her? She caused them far more pain than she did to you by her disappearance please don’t get your hopes up.” Luna beseeched.
“Sorry Luna but I must look into this, can you handle the Day court tomorrow?”
“Of course Sister I know what Twilight meant to you, just get ready to take over the Night court for a night in the near future.” Luna grinned from taking advantage of her sister’s request. “But anyway good luck on your search.”
Celestia then walked out of the room putting the painting back and then decided to begin her search at the cusp of dawn of the next day.
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OK over a hundred have viewed this story and no comments so I guess I'm elected.
There is nothing on your site that mentions your age so I will start with this. If you are in school take this to one of the English teachers, find the one that is known for working with their students, this may or may not be your teacher but most good schools have at least one, the lucky ones have more.
If this does not apply then try the proofreaders group on this site there you will find people who will help you improve your writing. The story has a good start however the errors are going to turn off a lot of readers don't give up, there is nothing wrong that can't be fixed. Good luck and keep trying.
4279452 I`'ll never give up on writing I'm actually here to improve it and yeah I'm pretty young in fact only a freshman in high school, I will eventually look into proofreaders but at the moment I just want to do everything by myself. Also I just can't stand showing any type of work other than what is required to my teachers. Also writing was something I loathed for my whole life until I accidentally lied to one of my friends and got into it about 3 months ago and really made my first stories ever these past few days. So thank you for the comment and the advice I appreciate it a lot!
It's too soon to tell. I will follow this story to see where it goes.
I like the concept here, even if I'm not entirely sure what it is...
While you claim that you expect it to be bad, I have to say there's not an awful lot wrong with it. There's the odd spelling mistake but otherwise it's written correctly.
However it doesn't read very well. It seems a bit off and it's rather confusing to understand what you're trying to get across. I think this could do with some editing and yes you have remarked on it but the chapters could also be longer.
4279686 Lol I got a somewhat similar comment on my other story. Yeah I just was lazy and didn't edit to much other than what my keyboard and auto correct messed up for me and it probably doesn't read well to you beacause I have a horrible habitat of me thinking faster than I type so I backtrack but continue typing and fix the errors my keyboard makes at the sametime while not thing out the story itself too much to me it's readable at the time Im doing it but yeah I get what you mean I'll try to fix it eventually.
4279737
Not to be pedantic, but you do the same thing here. The second sentence of your comment is a paragraph long, with no punctuation. This might be the problem, a lack of punctuation in this story combined with an unusual way of wording a sentence can lead to a confusing read.
I shall continue watching and hope you do well.
Contrary to popular belief the good teachers love to see a student with a brain firing on more than three cylinders. I suggest that you try to overcome your dislike for extra work , teachers or whatever, and talk to one of them, try one of the advanced level ones junior or senior level possibly.
Suggestion only, you do what your comfortable with. Good luck.
I think your grammar is terrible. Otherwise it's a good story.
why so short bro?