Click, the hammer falls. Spinning, spinning I go until I stop three rotations down.
I can feel rushing water in my thoughts as I stare at that mucky cobbled ground.
…Tap, Tap, Tap…♫One plus twenty, equals, twenty oo-onnne♫...Tap, Tap, Tap…♫This thing is one lucky, son-of-a-guu-uunnn♫…
…Tap, Tap, Tap...♫And all I really need’s a Smile, Smile, Smile♫…Tap, Tap, Tap…♫From these happy friends of miii-iiine♫…Tap, Tap, Tap…
…Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap…
I heard…humming…yes, that was it. She was humming, tapping incessantly…
… Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap…
I felt soft bandages being wrapped around my head…
… Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap…
The tapping was starting to get on my nerves, but I could only melt in that humming. It felt so…warm…
… Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap…
I open my eyes…
There, right above me, a pony jumps away in fright.
“Yeeek! The thing is awake!” she yells to nothing in particular.
“Urck,” I struggle out. My head nearly throttles me into blindness.
She walks back up, curious. I feel something soft prod my hand, and, at the corner of my vision, the green pony sits to my left. “These aren’t claws,” she notes.
I try to enquire what the hell is going on, but all I get out is an embarrassing squeak.
She instantly looks at my mouth…and prods it with her hoof. “Mmmmph!” I protest as a stab of electricity courses through my brain. She jerks her hoof back, startled.
Thirty seconds pass.
She tentatively pokes my cheek.
I say nothing, for I know it would hurt if I tried to speak.
After a few more quick pokes, she goes about investigating my body again, me being too weak to protest.
I feel pressure on my stomach and my breathing fluctuates.
“Ehehe, squishy! It moves too!”
She pushes three more times at my stomach as I lay there, feeling violated. My clothes are all matted with sweat, the sun shining brightly and all, but the pony doesn’t seem to care.
She moves on to my leg, my other leg, then to…
“Hey!” I yell out and sit up.
She jumps back.
“Don’t—Argh!!!” I groan as I lay back down. I start to convulse a little.
“Uh oh, I should probably stay away from there.” She tries to pet my chest to get me to calm down.
It helps, a little.
After finishing her investigation, she sits off to my side, tsk-tsking as she thinks of what to do next. “What am I supposed to do with a wounded…thing that I found?” she asks herself while absentmindedly hoofing at my hand.
“Lyyyyrrrrrra!” A voice obnoxiously buts in, giving me a new round of headaches. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”
“I-I just found this…thing and healed it, but now I don’t know what to do with it!” she nervously explains. “I didn’t hurt it, honest!”
A white pony with a pink and blue mane reaches the corner of my vision. “What in the hay?! Where’d you find this? We need to put it back immediately!” Her voice cuts into my head with surgical precision.
“Aggghhhh!” I groan.
The white pony panics, “I’m gonna go get some help. Don’t do anymore damage to it!” With that, she disappears.
Lyra remains.
“Can it talk?” she asks herself.
“Can you talk?” she asks me.
I offer a thumbs-up, but she just raises an eyebrow. “Do I touch it? Is that how you say hi?” She reaches out to touch my thumb.
Fuzzy... I twitch a little at the contact.
“Well…hi!” she says cheerily. “I guess you’re too hurt to do much of anything really, so I’ll just tell you stories. If I’m hurting your head, just wave your arm or something.”
Lyra begins, “Hrmmm, let’s see. You’re probably wondering why the hay Bon Bon thought I hurt you. Just to get this clear, I haven’t hurt a thing in my life, it was just a misunderstanding. There was this chicken, a Timberwolf had killed it, and when I picked it up, I saw quite a few bite wounds. Poor thing. I decided to wrap and bury it before Fluttershy could find out. Let me tell you, she can’t handle an ounce of suffering. But! On with my story. While I was wrapping it up, Bon Bon saw what I was doing. With a knife, for cutting the bandages, in my hand and stab holes in the chicken, she assumed the worst and still thinks I’ve got issues with animal cruelty.”
I laugh a little at this, trying to keep from straining myself, but my head gets started up all over again.
“Oh? You comprehend?” Lyra tilts her head towards me curiously.
I say nothing, trying to recover.
“You look like you’re in some pain right now, so I’ll tell you a happy sto—“
“Hum,” I weakly squeak out.
“Huh? You can speak?” Lyra asks.
“Hum please,” I respond.
“You can speak!...Eeeeeee!”
She winces, seeing my eyes squint in pain. “Ehrm. I mean, I’ll hum.”
And with that, I'm bathed in her golden, voiceless tones. A little way through my wash, I noticed something furry contact my hand again. Lyra has he foreleg outstretched. Why does this pony keep touching my hand? I think, but soon find myself drifting off to her melodic voice.
I don't see any problems. I'm not a critic but I do read a lot of fan fictions.
I can't wait for the next few chapters.
Well, I'm not line-editing yet, so I wasn't looking for grammatical stuff. There are a few stylistic things that you may or may not want to change, but that is optional and I'll mention it later. Beyond that, I'm not seeing any huge problems, your formatting is pretty consistent, you are using italics for thoughts, Lyra and Bonbon seem reasonably in character. This is pretty good, and I don't have much criticism besides the stylistic stuff. I'll look a little more closely, perhaps do a smige of line-editing in the following chapters, but I have no huge problems with this.
On a second brief look, I've caught a few things.
This is a bit confusing. You start paragraph with Lyra jumping back and then immediately follow it with your human character saying something. Because of how this is formatted, it made me think on the first pass that it was Lyra saying "Don't--Argh!!!" not your human. The core problem here is that you change focus too quickly from one character to the next. The sentence right before the dialogue is about Lyra, so the audience will assume that the following dialogue is Lyra's too. Try to keep your paragraphs all focused on one thing. That thing can be an action or a character, but it needs to be consistent.
Next, you using action tags to their full potential. You are using dialogue tags perfectly I applaud you I've worked with several people who have a very hard time figureing out where the commas go in and around the "he said" "she said" bits of your dialogue. And you are using the occasional action tag, which is good, but I would like to give you a new tool.
I introduce to your writing tool-box, the interrupting action tag.
"So"- he asks while idly scratching at his nose -"what's an interrupting action tag?"
This is when you stick the thing that is being done inside the dialogue with hyphens. Depending on where the hyphens are, it slightly changes the meaning. Hyphens on the outside of the quotation marks means that the action is being done in sync with the dialogue, so he is still talking while he scratches his nose. If the hyphens were on the inside of the quotation marks, then the dialogue stops until the action has been completed.
It's just a tool, but it's a tool I thought you might like to know about.
The rest of this is going to be about stylistics, so consider it optional. And since you want this to have a more relaxed feel to it, you are free to decide it doesn't apply here.
So, lets take a look at this quote.
Would you ever see this in J.R.R Tolkine's The Lord of The Rings? How about any other published book you can think of? No, you wouldn't. And I'm not trying to be mean, but you don't see stylistic choices like this outside of maybe a comic book, which is an entirely different medium and should be judged by different rules. The cap-locks (The Royal Canter-lock voice, if you prefer) and the miss spelling of a word to show how it is pronounced aren't things that professional writers do. It's just a writing convention, but if you want to look professional and be taken seriously, you should follow it.
I think the reason for these particular things to be avoided falls under the spirit of show, don't tell. In that quote, you are just telling the reader how Bonbon sounds with the dialogue, telling the reader she is yelling with the cap-locks. You can send the same message, and send it better without those things and with a little bit more description.
See, that gets about the same idea across in a more professional looking way that is also more colorful.
Now, I want to reiterate, what you have isn't technically wrong in any way. If you decide to keep writing the way you have been writing, more power to 'ya. But you have been warned that it is frowned upon in some of the more professional circles, and shown that there are ways to tell your readers the same things without using things like cap-locks. Oh, and the same goes for using multiple exclamation points in a row.
I hope this is helpful, let me know if you want me to go through the rest of your story looking for stuff like this.