Dame Vinyl

by Majin Syeekoh

Every Knight Needs a Blade...

Vinyl was sitting at the bar of The Stone Pony, where she was sipping on a gin and juice, looking around the bar. She was approached by a stallion, who began to stammer, “H-hey, would you like go have a drink with me, Vinyl-”

“It’s Dame Vinyl, and sorry, I don’t swing that way,” she said curtly as she sipped on her drink.

“But my friends-”

“Were playing a prank on you,” she said, looking around the bar. An evil grin formed on her face, “Hey, you wanna give ‘em a show?”
“A show? What do you-” he was cut off by Vinyl’s lips pressing forcefully into his, her tongue forcing itself down his throat. He proceeded to kiss back, then she pulled away.

“Now tell you friends over there,” she said waving a hoof at a table of slack jawed ponies, “that you just made out with a Knight Commander!” as she sipped on her drink. The stallion nodded dumbly as he walked towards the table with a starry eyed expression, receiving high-hooves and slaps on the back from his friends. She sighed, then pulled out a cigarette and lit it, drawing in the sweet smoke, then exhaling it.

The barkeep walked up to her and said, “I’m sorry, miss-”

“Dame,” Vinyl said nonchalantly, sucking in more smoke and blowing it in the bartender’s face.

“-er, yes. I’m sorry, Dame, but we don’t allow smoking in this establishment.”

Vinyl took another drag, saying, “Knight Commander,”

“Be that as it may, I cannot allow you to-”

“Knight Commander,” Vinyl repeated.

“But you can’t-”

“Knight Commander,”

“You can’t-”

“Knight Commander,” she repeated, tension rising in her voice as she sucked down more smoke.

The bartender threw up his hooves and walked away. Vinyl smiled inward, lost in reverie, when a chunk of wood hit her on her forehead. She looked up and dropped her cigarette as she saw a six foot katana sticking out of the bar, her mouth agape in awe. She then said the only thing that made sense to her.

“DIBS!” she yelled as she leapt up onto the bar and started trying to yank it out of the polished wood, “dibsdibsdibsdibsdibs!!!” she kept yelling, as she kept attempting to pull it out. She then stopped pulling and hit her forehead. “Duh!” she exclaimed as shen applied her magic to the task, inching it out of the surface. She kept straining against the sword with her magic, when suddenly the katana leapt out of the bar, the shock causing her to lose her grip and fall onto her back as the sword tumbled in the air. She caught it just in time, the pointed end stopping just above her crotch. Vinyl looked at it in awe, as did the rest of the bar. She took a tentative swing, causing several patrons to duck as the long sword swung over their heads.

“Coooool…” Vinyl cooed as she took a few more swings.

“Aren’t ya gonna name it?” A stallion called out.

“Name it? Why?” Vinyl asked confusedly.

“Cause all the knights in the stories name their weapons!”

Vinyl thought at that, noticing the reflection of the lights dancing along the blade. Knights did name their weapons, didn’t they? Well, she had a name that would fit the weapon…

“NoWacking,” she mumbled.

“A little louder, please?”

Vinyl sighed, “I hereby christen this sword NoWacking!”

Several groans came from the crowd at the bar.

“Why’d ya come up with that!”

“Lame!”

“Hey!” Vinyl shouted, “The reason I called it NoWacking is cause nopony’s gonna whack me when I got this!” she said while lazily swinging the blade around, causing several ponies to quickly duck.

The bartender roared, “I was gonna let you slide for the cig, but now you’re endangering my customers! OUT!” he said, pointing towards the door.

“Sheesh, lighten up a little,” Vinyl said as she picked up the now-out cigarette with her magic and lit it, taking a long drag as she trotted out the door, NoWacking in tow.

----

Octavia was playing the songs she heard from Rarity in her room, when she heard the door knock. She groaned, figuring Vinyl lost her keys in one of those dives she frequents. It was time to change the lock anyways. She had her eye on a mahogany doorknob they were showing down the street. She thought of the small pleasures she afforded herself as she opened the door, screeching and cowering as a giant sword revealed itself.

“VINYL WHAT THE HAY IS THAT?!” Octavia screamed. Vinyl lazily walked through the threshold with her sword, taking a drag of a new cigarette.

“Say hello to NoWacking!” Vinyl beamed, “and it’s Dame Vinyl,”

Octavia groaned, “I leave you alone for three hours and you come back with a SIX-FOOT LONG KATANA!? What am I going to do with you?” she said as she caught a vase that Vinyl tumbled over with her sword, “and be more aware of your surroundings when you have that,” she added.

“What do you mean?” Vinyl queried, “I’m perfectly aware of what I’m doing with this baby-”

“VINYL!” Octavia screamed as she ducked below the blade. The familiar sound of a broom handle was heard banging against the ceiling of the apartment below.

“Quiet down! Some of us have day jobs!”

“You don’t have a day job! You write for Playcolt!” Vinyl yelled down.

“Not the point! I normally sleep at night! Like you should be!”

“I’ll sleep whenever I damn well want to!”

“That’s because...why am I arguing with you?! Just shut up and let me get some sleep!”

“OK!” Vinyl yelled downstairs. She grinned, letting the light play off of the sword, “I’m a real knight now, with a sword and everything!”

Octavia sighed, “You realize you’re going to have to get that...thing registered with the Royal Guard,” Octavia said, “not to mention a sheath...and you’re going to have to take lessons to learn how to wield it properly…”

“Why? I can wield it just fine!” Vinyl exclaimed as she swung it again, knocking over the vase in Octavia’s hooves, causing her to scramble for the vase again as it almost hit the ground.

“Oops...hehe,” Vinyl said, blushing, “I guess I do need those lessons…” as Octavia gave her a dirty glare.

----

Vinyl trotted into the Equestrian Royal Guard’s station, NoWacking in tow, in a sheath of titanium wrapped in brocade. The Guard, not looking up, said, “State the nature of your business,”

Vinyl smiled and said, “I’d like to register a weapon, please,”

The guard’s head shot up, taking in the sight of the unicorn in front of him. She was holding what appeared to be a very large sword in her magic.

“What?” Vinyl asked.

The guard shook his head and said, “I’m sorry, we don’t really get that many requests for that,” he said, looking for the right paperwork, “nopony really has any use for weapons, you see...ah! Here it is!” the guard announced, holding up a form. “Name, please?”

“Dame Vinyl Scratch, Knight Commander of the Royal Equestrian Empire,”

The guard looked the unicorn over, “So you’re Vinyl…”

“Dame Vinyl-”

“-yes, yes,” he said, looking her up and down.

Vinyl looked annoyed, “Take a picture, it’ll last longer!” she spat out.

“Oh, sorry,” the guard replied, blushing, “I just thought you’d be...bigger,” he said, “now, what kind of weapon are you registering?”

“A katana,” Vinyl said pointedly.

“Ka...ta...na…” the guard said, writing it down, “and does the weapon have a name?”

“NoWacking!” Vinyl said proudly.

The guard groaned at that, writing it down. Vinyl looked visibly annoyed.

“Why does everypony keep groaning at that?!”

The guard looked up, then down at Vinyl, “Well, you have to...agree that it sounds rather...silly, don’t you think?”

“Nuh-uh! Ain’t nopony gonna be whacking me when I got this baby!”

“Uh-huh…” the guard said, taking out a camera, “Now hold the sword up so that I can take a picture of it for our records…”

Vinyl held up the sword and let out a toothy grin as the camera flashed.

“Just sign here…” the guard said, holding out the paperwork. Vinyl grabbed the pen and signed. “Thank you, that’ll be all. Your carrying permit should arrive in the mail in three days. Until then, tell anypony who asks that Barricade gave you express permission to carry.”

“Will do!” Vinyl said happily as she walked out, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it up.

“You can’t…” Barricade started, then realized it was worthless as she had already left the premises. Sighing, he continued filling out his reports.

Comments

[Ryuyu]

Nowacking is Vinyl's YT voice actor... lol