Hoofed by Your Own Petard

by Tortfeasor

Brisk and Giddy Paced Times

Hoofed by Your Own Petard

Disclaimer: Chapter disclaimed in 3… 2… 1… chapter disclaimed!

Chapter Five: Brisk and Giddy Paced Times

“Am I the only one who thinks splitting the group up is a bad idea?” Twilight Sparkle gestured as much as a pony could while lying on all four legs.

“Second vote for not getting ourselves killed.” Rainbow Dash raised a hoof.

“This is not splitting the group up.” Applejack said in exasperation. “We need to go into this town to get things we simply didn’t bring from the farm.”

“And, well, the three of you can’t come into town because you know…” Fluttershy glanced upwards just long enough to speak.

“Twilight, darling, as much as I would normally agree with you we don’t have a choice in the matter.” Rarity sighed, “I look rather out of place as the only pony without saddlebags and sooner or later it’s going to draw notice we can’t afford. And while eating grass once was… charmingly rustic it simply won’t do as a solution all the way to Manehatten.”

“Pinkie Pie, what do you think?” Twilight asked the one member of the group who hadn’t yet contributed.

The pink earth pony was silent for quite awhile in obvious thought. “You should bring back balloons and cake and streamers and party hats and a piñata! Because we’re totally a group now and we haven’t had a party to get to know each other and how can you really know a pony if you haven’t partied with them?”

“I guess it’s decided then.” Applejack got to her hooves. “Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, grab your bags and lets go. I’m sure we’ll all feel much better the less time we spend separated from one another.”

Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy all began putting on their saddlebags. As much food as they’d brought it was obvious that they would at some point have to replenish their stocks. Twilight hadn’t grabbed as much food as she had thought back in Canterlot, and given the circumstances of her escape Rarity hadn’t taken anything at all. Likewise her lack of saddlebags made her a sore hoof for the group if only because the presence of saddlebags on everypony else made her look important and therefore possibly worth remembering.

“Be careful,” Rainbow Dash turned to see Twilight Sparkle walking up to her, “I don’t care how necessary this is if it comes down to getting out of there alive or us eating enough grass to get us to Manehatten and back twenty times over just get out of there.”

“Twilight you worry too much,” Applejack’s Manehatten tones sounded at odds with the almost rough way she wore her mane, “nopony has any reason to suspect the three of us. We’ll look exactly like what we are, three mares heading back to Manehatten after the Summer Sun Celebration. As much as I dislike even the appearance of deception I don’t believe honesty requires me to be stupid and volunteer every little dirty secret I’ve ever had.”

“Speaking of deception,” Rainbow Dash wrestled with her saddlebags, “how are we going to pick up saddlebags and enough food for six ponies without anypony getting at all suspicious?”

“I was thinking,” Fluttershy almost silently walked up, “I know your saddlebags work just fine Rainbow Dash but some ponies might think they’re broken. You could just say you’re picking up a new pair. And well… I know you don’t want to eat grass again Rarity but it would mean having to buy a lot less food if we could have grass for just a few more meals.”

“I suppose sacrifices will have to be made for the greater good.” Rarity’s sigh was one of the more dramatic sighs Rainbow Dash had ever seen. “I’ll just be forced to think of it as an enlightening experience. Darlings, if you could bring back something that would let me do anything at all with my mane I’d be eternally grateful.”

“I don’t like lying about the saddlebags,” Applejack walked a few steps towards the town before turning back to face the others, “it feels wrong and it could backfire on us if a shopkeeper notices that Rainbow Dash’s saddlebags aren’t really broken.”

“Then just don’t lie,” Rainbow Dash walked past Applejack, “I’ll be the one getting the saddlebags so I’ll do the lying.”

“We’ll be back as soon as we can.” Fluttershy hurried off to catch up to the two ponies bickering their way towards town.

“Bring back stuff so we can play pin the tail on the pony!” Pinkie Pie shouted to the three departing ponies.

Coltcinnati was a medium sized town. Ponyville would have seemed positively rural beside it but it wore the same distinction beside the metropolises of Manehatten or Canterlot. At the moment it had no more traffic than Ponyville might have without the influx of ponies brought by the Summer Sun Celebration.

“I dunno,” Rainbow Dash looked around, “think they’re all staying inside because of Nightmare Moon?”

“I wish I could stay inside because of Nightmare Moon,” Fluttershy trembled beside her.

“Why did you come along with us?” Rainbow Dash stopped to look at the other pegasus, “I mean I’m not exactly gung ho about all this and you normally make me look hot headed.”

“It’s for the animals,” Fluttershy visibly swallowed her fear, “if we don’t bring back the sun they won’t be able to eat, they won’t be able to find their way around, and they could even get hurt or… die. I won’t let Nightmare Moon do that!”

“That’s Fluttershy for you,” Rainbow Dash turned to Applejack, “she won’t lift a hoof for herself but if we could get Nightmare Moon to look menacing near an animal she’d tear her apart in ten seconds flat.”

“If only it were that simple,” Applejack laughed, “we should hurry up and get what we need though. Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Twilight Sparkle have most of the Royal Guards out for their heads and every minute we leave them in one place is another minute they could be caught.”

The three of them walked quietly through the near deserted streets. The few ponies who did share the streets with them seemed to go out of their way to avoid them.

“I’ve heard of towns not being friendly to strangers,” Rainbow Dash whispered, “but this is just silly.”

“I’ve a hard time blaming them.” Applejack whispered back. “Celestia was overthrown in a revolution. Hard to know who’s friendly and who’s not.”

“I guess…” Rainbow Dash began but was interrupted.

“Hail Nightmare Moon!” A pony in a vest bearing some coat of arms put himself in their path.

“Um, hail Nightmare Moon?” Applejack was the first to recover, “I’m sorry but we’re just travelers passing through and we’re a bit out of the loop.”

The officious looking pony looked them over before continuing, “I don’t recognize you as living here so I’ll overlook your failure to pay proper homage to the queen this once. Nightmare Moon has ordered notices about her new order posted in the town market. Proceed there immediately and read them, you’ll not be warned again.”

“That’s just where we were headed,” Rainbow Dash started pushing both Applejack and Fluttershy, “we will get right on that. Thanks for telling us.”

Rainbow Dash kept pushing the other two ponies until they came to a large open space in the middle of the town filled with tents and storefronts. A ways away on top of a hill sat a rather dreary looking castle, presumably the lord’s residence.

“Let’s see,” Rainbow Dash walked up to a large board with notices plastered liberally over its surface, “Item one, les… less.”

“Lese Majesty,” Applejack pushed her aside, “it means it’s now illegal to insult Nightmare Moon. And she and her goons get to decide what’s insulting her. Hence that full of himself pony and his wanting everyone to hail Nightmare Moon.”

“That’s terrible,” Fluttershy said, “why would she want to be so mean?”

“Don’t ever tell Pinkie Pie I said this,” Rainbow Dash glared at the other two ponies, “but I think she was right calling Nightmare Moon Queen Meanie.”

“My lips are sealed,” Applejack smiled, “now item two, Nightmare Moon will use her magic to ensure food can grow under the moon’s light. She will not however, make it equal to the light of the sun. Those ponies who are strong, smart, and worthy will survive. Those who are weak will not.”

“That’s… that’s…” Rainbow Dash had seen Fluttershy tremble in fear more times than she could count. Trembling with rage was a very different story. “That big… dumb… meanie! I won’t let her hurt anypony!”

“I’m starting to think you may have been on to something when you said she can be a very different pony if pushed to it.”
Applejack leaned in towards Rainbow Dash. “There’s more on there but I don’t think any of us care to read it. Let’s go get what we need and get out of here.”

The market square was marginally busier than the rest of the town but it was clearly populated at a mere fraction of its normal business. Rainbow Dash looked around at the various stores, a disturbing number were outright closed.

“Sure be handy if we could just go in there,” Rainbow Dash pointed to a hastily boarded up Rare Gems shop with a guard standing out front, “not that we can eat gems or anything but we wouldn’t have to worry about bits for a long time.”

“We don’t have to worry about bits for quite awhile,” Applejack pointed out, “Pinkie Pie was carrying quite a sum back in Ponyville. Now let’s try that general store over there, we should be able to find everything we need in one stop.”

The three of them walked up to a bored looking pony standing behind a counter.

“Hail Nightmare Moon,” he sounded just as bored as he looked, “now keep walking. I don’t have anything to sell to strangers.”

“Hail Night… what now?” Rainbow Dash had the sneaking suspicion that Applejack’s sudden drawl was a deliberate choice on her part.

“I said I don’t have anything to sell to strangers. There’s gonna be less of everything, especially food, coming into town. I gotta feed myself and my family first then ponies I know, if there’s anything left over I’ll think about selling to out of towners.”

“Now look,” Applejack was surprisingly convincing as a simple country pony, “we don’t want anything fancy. We need some new saddlebags, just look at those poor things. I need a few ties to hold my mane and tail, and if you have any food you can spare well eating grass will keep you alive but that’s about it.”

“I might have a pair of mane ties, can’t think of much else those are good for. No way on the saddlebags, I don’t care how messed up those are I can use all the ones I have. And food, tell me another one and you can go open up a big comedy act in Manehatten.”

“Surely y’all got unicorns that can handle any lifting you’d use saddlebags for.” Applejack deadpanned, “And we ain’t tryin’ to make off with half the food in town we just need enough for a few days.”

“Look lady, unicorn can lift something for a few hours easy. The saddlebags, anypony can use to lift stuff for years. So unless you’re saying that you’re gonna put down roots I suggest you move on.”

Rainbow Dash had had just about enough of this holier than thou pony lording it over them. She was about to lay into him when a hoof on her shoulder brought the oncoming tirade to a halt.

“It’s okay girls,” Fluttershy smiled, “we didn’t really need any of this stuff, and I’m sure we can find somepony to fix Rainbow Dash’s saddlebags. He’s right that times are going to be hard and we’ll just have to work together to make sure we come through all right.”

Rainbow Dash took several deep breaths and not without effort calmed herself down. Fluttershy was right, just because this pony was being a jerk was no reason for her to do likewise. That didn’t mean it wouldn’t have felt real good to rip into him. In one of her more epic losses of temper Rainbow Dash had once brought another filly to tears through just screaming. Afterwards she’d felt terrible about it, but she was pretty sure she’d be fine tomorrow if she pulled the feat off with this jerk.

She was not looking forwards to Rarity’s whining when they returned empty hooved. The unicorn would just have to tough it out though. Maybe some rough living would do good for her incessant talk of how she longed for a spa treatment and a fancy meal and her fancy house back in fancy Canterlot. Rainbow Dash had never been to a spa or anything even resembling a fancy restaurant, and she was pretty sure she’d never make it through the door of anything much fancier than Fluttershy’s house.

“Wait,” came the voice from behind the three retreating mares, “I think I can spare some stuff. Make me feel like some lowlife who beats his mare and foals why don’t you.”

“You see girls,” Fluttershy said quietly, “you just have to be kind to other ponies and when they have the chance they’ll return the favor.”

Once they got into their stride the poor shopkeeper was no match for Applejack and Rainbow Dash’s good cop bad cop approach to bartering. Rainbow Dash had no clue nor did she desire to have a clue what sort of hair ties went with a purple mane. She thought Applejack might have known but again she didn’t know or care to know whether the other mare did anything with whatever she might have known about fashion.

She had the same thoughts about saddlebags. They held stuff and stayed on, end of story. She was sure Rarity could have gone on at length about how wrong she was. Rarity however wasn’t shopping with them, so she didn’t get a vote.

Their saddlebags were pleasantly heavy as they headed away from the town market. Rainbow Dash didn’t mind eating grass at all but she wouldn’t breathe a word of complaint about having real food for the rest of their journey to Manehatten.

“Let’s check out the library.” Rainbow Dash pointed a sign showing the town did indeed have a library.

“How will we know which books to look for?” Fluttershy pointed out, “Twilight Sparkle is the one who knows that sort of thing.”

“She did say it would be some sort of ancient Equestrian history book.” Applejack was back to her normal voice. “We could at least see if they have any books of that sort and if they do then we can figure out what to do from there.”

Getting to the library was barely a detour from their way back, and nopony could complain at taking the chance to find what they were looking for as soon as they could. When they reached the library however their hopes fell apart. A pair of royal guards, very odd looking royal guards, stood grimly in front of the library making it clear that it was closed for business.

Rainbow Dash glared at the guards from a distance, “What do you want to bet one of those other things in Nightmare Moon’s new rules was banning a whole bunch of books?”

“I imagine it’s a few books in particular,” Applejack replied, “at least this makes me think we’re on the right path. Let’s go find the others and plan how to deal with this.”

As quickly as they dared while maintaining their calm the three mares headed back out of town.

--

“Twilight, really, I’m beginning to suspect that calling your magical education subpar would be giving it credit far beyond its due.”

“You went to public school too Rarity, I got the exact same magical education you did.”

“Not at all!” Rarity scoffed, “Ponyville is a prosperous town. It could afford to bring in a specialist to teach four unicorns in magic. I’m sure you went to wonderful schools but they probably picked two or three unicorns on staff to teach close to a hundred of you in a given year.”

“Ninety seven.” Twilight said sullenly.

“Semantics Twilight,” Rarity smiled, “the point remains the same. You clearly didn’t get the sort of magical education a unicorn of your talent requires.”

“I’m a unicorn of below average talent,” Twilight retorted, “I…”

“Took out that forest and Trixie like you were cleaning dirt off your hoof.” Rarity rather brusquely interrupted. “Unicorns of above average talent couldn’t do that. I doubt I could have done that even had I been in top form. All you need is the proper teaching and who knows what you can accomplish.”

Twilight fixed the other unicorn with a rather flat look, “In case you haven’t noticed we can’t exactly walk into any top tier universities and get me a private tutor to figure out what’s going on with my magic. And we’re also kind of short on princess’ to give me the same training regimen you went through.”

“Don’t be scared that you can’t keep up! Pinkie Pie jumped over from whatever it was she was doing to wrap Twilight in a great big hug. “I know something that’ll cheer you right up!”

The pink earth pony took a deep breath and began singing, “When I was a little filly and the sun was going…”

The song was abruptly cut off as both Twilight Sparkle and Rarity jammed hooves into Pinkie Pie’s mouth to silence her.
“Pinkie you’re a wonderful singer dear,” Rarity slowly took her hoof from the other pony’s mouth, “but you can get a teensy bit loud at times and the last thing we want right now is to draw attention to ourselves.”

“Sorry,” Pinkie Pie’s smile was appropriately sheepish.

“Does she do that often? The singing.” Twilight turned to Rarity as Pinkie Pie went back to… actually Twilight wasn’t sure what Pinkie Pie was doing.

“Almost as long as I’ve known her.” Rarity used her magic to grab a small rock and levitate it in front of her. “She wasn’t quite so boisterous before getting her cutie mark. Which, incidentally, happened not long after I met the princess. Use your magic to pull on the rock as hard as you can Twilight, it’s one of the ways Celestia helped me build up my magical power. I don’t expect you to be wrenching it from me for some time but I’ll tell you how I met Celestia to help pass some of it.”

Twilight was skeptical that she’d see any improvements from Rarity’s training, but she appreciated the thought and the chance to learn from a pony who’d been taught by Celestia herself.

“Of course you’ve heard how Pinkie Pie and I met,” Rarity began, “it’s plastered over enough of our stores and material that I can’t imagine how you couldn’t. It makes for a rather touching marketing campaign and it’s always nice to remember how I met my best friend but it’s irrelevant to my story.”

-

“This is the place.” Rarity turned to her new, was friend the right word?

“Looks like a good place for gems to grow.” The pink earth pony next to her looked out over the landscape. “How’d you say you found the gems again?”

“By accident.” Rarity looked down rather sheepishly. “My horn led me here in the first place but I can’t make it find the gems on purpose.”

“Hmmm.” Pinkie Pie rubbed at her muzzle in thought. “If we have to go digging around here at random we aren’t going to find many gems. Are you sure you can’t use your magic to find them again.”

“I’ve tried,” Rarity was coming dangerously close to whining and she knew it, “but when it happened it was more like a foal’s magical outburst than anything controlled. Every day when I get home from school I try to make my horn find gems but all I get is a rather pitiful glow.”

“You can do it Rarity!” Pinkie Pie smiled at her. “I bet with all the gems around here it’ll be easy to find them.”

It was true that Rarity had only tried with the few gems lying around her parents place. Perhaps more gems would get a reaction from her magic.

“Okay, stand back.” Rarity planted herself firmly on all four hooves and began to concentrate. She wished she’d known what her horn was doing from the very beginning. The feelings had been so clear then but she’d forgotten them almost like a dream.

She pushed all the magic she had into her horn and tried as hard as she could to remember what it felt like when she’d been pulled to this place. Barely visible in the bright light her horn began to glow with a soft blue light. This was as far as she’d gotten at home, to get any feeling beyond that of straining she had to be all but on top of the gems. And of course if she was already on top of the gems out here then she didn’t need to be doing anything with her magic.

It was different this time though. Maybe Pinkie Pie had been right after all. It felt as though she was trying to look at something just beyond the edge of her vision. If she tried just a little harder. No! Her parents had warned her about what could happen if she pushed her magic too far. She didn’t want to think about what could happen to her all the way out here.

“We’re close,” Rarity opened her eyes and let out a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding, “it’s different out here. I can almost feel them, but I think I need more practice to find them.”

“That’s okay,” Pinkie Pie bounced over to the bag she’d filled with shovels and picks, “I’m sure we can find enough to make this trip worth it. And even if you can’t find the gems right now you’ll get better at it!”

Rarity smiled at her new friend, definitely the right word, and went to grab a shovel of her own.

-

“Over there Pinkie Pie.” Rarity pointed towards a spot otherwise indistinguishable from the barren landscape around them.

“Okey dokey!” Pinkie Pie attacked the spot with a vigor Rarity had become accustomed to over the years. “It’s a big one!” The pink earth pony shouted as she pulled an emerald the size of one of her hooves from the ground.

“I think that just about does it.” Rarity swiped her brow with a hoof. She’d never like sweat, dirt, or labor if she lived to be a hundred. But such sacrifices would be unavoidable if she and Pinkie Pie were ever going to make something more than a hobby of their gem mining.

“Let’s check the list.” Pinkie Pie threw the emerald into a large bag and followed it to a nearby list. “I think you’re right! That’s all the gems ponies back in Ponyville wanted us to find plus more than enough for our stockpile.”

“And in good time too.” Rarity looked with satisfaction at the sun just beginning to sink towards the horizon. “I shudder to think how long this used to take us before I could find gems with my magic.”

“I don’t think we filled up one of these bags in six months,” Pinkie Pie laughed, “and now look at us! At this rate we’ll have enough gems and gold stored up to open our shop when you graduate.”

“When we graduate Pinkie darling.” Rarity lifted the bag of tools along with a gem filled bag and started back towards Ponyville. “I’ll get the claim to this land next year when I graduate but we’ll wait for you to graduate before we open the doors of Rare Gems.”

“Sure thing partner!” Pinkie Pie flipped the other gem filled bag onto her back and followed. “Now let’s get you to a spa before your mane is as much a mess as mine!”

-

Rarity trotted through the streets of Canterlot drinking in the attention of the stares directed at her. All the effort she’d put into making sure she looked immaculate for her audience with the Princess was paying off! Surely she’d make an excellent first impression when she petitioned for title to the land she and Pinkie Pie had been mining. It never occurred to her that the stares might be because a mare barely out of high school was calmly levitating a bag that looked like it carried a ton of gems and gold.

Indeed the large bag she was levitating did contain a ton of gems and gold, or near enough to make no difference. Most adult ponies of all types weighed about a hundred pounds and could carry, pull, or levitate somewhere around three to four times their body weight. Being of slight build Rarity was somewhat lighter than average. A unicorn’s ability to levitate wasn’t particularly tied to their body weight, it was mere coincidence that the upper limits fell in the same place, but regardless very few ponies could have moved that bag much less carried it.

“I have an appointment with the Princess.” Rarity walked up to the gates of the castle.

The guards took a moment to get over their shock at seeing the magical feat in front of them but recovered and escorted her to the throne room.

Rarity’s breath began to come quicker, she was prepared for this, she had rehearsed it endlessly in her mind, but that didn’t mean things couldn’t still go very wrong. The doors opened and the time for worrying was over. Rarity walked calmly forward before lowering the bag of gems to the floor and bowing before Celestia.

“Please rise,” the princess said almost as soon as Rarity had come to a full bow, “I’ve never seen much use for bowing. It takes up so much time, but all my ministers go into fits whenever I suggest doing away with it.”

Rarity couldn’t help staring at Celestia. This was not what she had thought the audience would go like.

“Normally my Ministry of Lands and Titles would handle this but I had to see such an audacious claim from somepony so young with my own eyes.”

Celestia lifted the bag of gems but before opening it she paused and turned her gaze to Rarity. “This is most impressive.”
“Princess?” Rarity was now thoroughly confused.

Celestia was silent for some while seemingly studying Rarity. “You have a remarkable amount of magical talent. I already have an apprentice, but if you’d like I’d be more than happy to help you develop your magical skills.”

Only a complete and utter foal would have refused that offer. Rarity was not a complete and utter foal.

-

“I never knew how powerful I was.” Rarity was holding the ball back from Twilight with disgusting ease. “With only three younger unicorns learning magic with me it was a surprise to no one that I did the best in the class.”

“That story always brings tears to my eyes.” Twilight looked over to see that Pinkie Pie had sat down next to her during Rarity’s tale. “Oh, Rarity, let me finish! I wanna tell Twilight how I got my cutie mark!”

-

Fresh paint, new furniture, perfect displays, and a willing mare behind the counter, the gem shop was ready for business. Pinkie Pie happily trotted up to the door and flipped the sign to open. Stands outside and placards in the windows proclaimed the grand opening of Rare Gems and the deals inside.

“Any customers in our first two minutes of business?” Rarity walked down the stairs from the small apartment above the shop.

“Not yet,” Pinkie Pie turned to the other pony with a smile on her face, “but I just know we’ll have some before the day is through.”

“If you don’t mind holding down the shop for awhile I’ll see what I can do about getting us some customers today.” Rarity paused at the door. “Yesterday when Celestia had me up at the castle for lessons one of the petitioners brought up that he was remodeling a noble’s mansion. I mentioned that we were opening our little shop and he asked me to come by and make a bid on the job.”

“All right Rarity!” Pinkie Pie pumped a hoof. “I’ll be fine here all day. You go and get us some customers. They’ll tell other ponies how good we did and before we know it we’ll have lines out the door!”

Pinkie Pie smiled and waved to Rarity as she left and kept right on smiling. When a customer finally came in she wanted their first impression to be her smile. An hour later Pinkie Pie was nearing even her limits of continuous smiling, she needed to practice, when the bell over the door finally rang.

“Welcome to Rare Gems, I’m Pinkie Pie, how can I help you?” Rarity had told Pinkie Pie many times over the years that her personality could be a bit… overwhelming. The last few weeks she’d worked long and hard to make sure she didn’t scare off any potential customers by bounding up to them as they came in, and somehow she actually succeeded when the time came.

“Hi.” The potential customer was a pegasus whose cutie mark was obscured by a light jacket meant to keep the worst of the summer sun at bay. “I’m uh… proposing to my marefriend this weekend and well I need a ring.”

“That’s fantastic!” Pinkie Pie had never done anything as difficult in her life as not bounding up to the other pony. “What kind of ring do you want?”

“I don’t know,” the pegasus rubbed at the back of his neck, “I’ve kind of put this off.”

“Well you’ve come to the right place to answer that question.” Pinkie Pie ducked under the counter. “Let me show you some of the most popular stones for an engagement ring.”

It took nearly another hour of pulling out various trays of gems but finally a pile of bits and a finely cut diamond traded places.

“Thanks,” the pegasus said, “I’m sure she’ll love it. And I think she’ll actually say yes.”

“You’re both going to be so happy!” Pinkie Pie was nearly bursting with joy, “And that makes me happy because I love making ponies happy!”

Pinkie Pie had known this fact for years but had never had an opportunity like this to make another pony’s day. Perhaps that was why only after so many years did a light flash on her flank and leave behind two blue balloons and a yellow one.

-

“And that’s how Equestria was made!”

Comments

[Commander Darklight]

i know this is late and in the wrong chapter but this question i love when asked at interviews

where do you see yourself in five years if you get this job?”

my answer : living in your house, sleeping in your bed and F#@%ing your wife