The Pony Project

by Palm Palette

Wrong Princess

Wrong Princess

Twilight Sparkle huffed out the library. Her friends had fallen through on her again. How could they not see just how serious this was? How could they run off in distress like that? Twilight was distressed too, but she held it together. She had to. She was Celestia's number one student. Number one – in all of history. No other student of hers had ever been granted the privilege of being formally (and magically) recognized as royalty.

She sighed.

She still had a lot to learn. This project of Celestia's was pushing the limits of their friendship. Twilight worried that she might have to learn just how far their friendship could go before it started to break down. That would be an awful lesson, but an important one. She wanted desperately to just abandon this whole thing and reconcile with her friends. She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. But if she did that, she'd be admitting their friendship was too weak. She'd also leave Equestria exposed to whatever danger in the future Celestia had foreseen. She had to find a way to complete the assignment and keep their friendship intact. She just didn't know how.

She reread the note again and again. There weren't any clues.

It would be nice if she could discover some detail she'd overlooked. If only there was something she was missing that she could point to and declare that she as wrong all along and thus not have to go through with this whole mess. The note was far too short for hidden secrets. She could see no other option. She took a deep breath and sighed.

Questioning the assignment wasn't getting her any closer to completing it. The thought of completing it though... She shuddered with a sudden chill.

Perhaps she should check on her friends first. Maybe they weren't quite as upset as they'd looked. Applejack was certainly distraught when she left. She was such an honest and dependable pony, though. The shock of it all probably just got to her – but she'd bounce back. Right? Even now she was probably making plans and all Twilight had to do was walk in and they could plan together.

Twilight flew over to her house, but stopped short of going inside. Even from outside she could plainly hear the sobbing of her friend. Twilight's heart sank.

“Oh, Applejack, what have I done?” Twilight curled into a ball, and buried her head under her forelegs. Twilight needed the support of her friends to get through this, but Applejack had none to offer. And she, herself, had none to return. Unfurling herself she left. Fluttershy-

-was in the same state: crying her face off. Twilight stayed away from the windows to avoid revealing herself. Those watchful animals were everywhere. If they saw her, they'd probably turn her away. Even if they didn't, Twilight had nothing to say that wouldn't make things worse. It was an awful feeling. Just sitting on her doorstep listening to her cry could make any pony hurt. Perhaps Twilight could find help from some pony a bit more rational. Rarity-

-wasn't home. Twilight sighed. With no pony there, the boutique was closed up. Twilight sat outside and stared off in thought. She slunk down even further. The ponies passing by didn't seem to notice her. She must have seemed too pathetic for them to even acknowledge her existence. She felt like a puddle of failure. The kind of puddle that only gets noticed by high society ponies so they can drop a coat on her to keep another pony's hooves from getting dirty while treading over her.

This line of though wasn't getting her anywhere. Perhaps she should go back to the library and check her mail. It should be in by now. She startled some nearby ponies when she rose. Perhaps they really did think she was a doormat. She flew off and returned home.

She'd been getting a lot more mail since her coronation. A lot of ponies wanted to invite her to social events. She couldn't just ignore them – so part of her morning routine involved writing polite refusals. Her study of magic was still the most important part of her life and she didn't want to waste time on pish-posh frilly appearances. Well, time to see how... uh... Where was the mailbox?

Twilight looked around, but there was no sign of it anywhere. What the hay had happened to it? Mailboxes don't just fly off on their own. All that was left of it was a small hole in the ground to mark where it had once been. Wait – perhaps it did just fly off – on wings of derp! “Derpy,” Twilight moaned. This would be the second time! How did she still have that job? Well, this was a small town and getting reliable workers could be hard sometimes. The previous mailpony was decent, but he was fired shortly after the Cake twins were born. Twilight was certain that those two events were unrelated.

Regardless, she had no mail to go through. This was another waste of time. It would have been a waste of time even if there was mail. Well, it was time to go back to the boutique and wait for Rarity again. She'd have to return eventually. Where else would she go? Oh, the spa, of course. Why didn't she think of that in the first place? Rarity always hung out at the spa and for a project like this she'd want to look her very best. Twilight abandoned her mailbox hole and flew back through town.

“Greetings, Twilight,” Lotus Blossom said as Twilight came in. “Would you like a hooficure today?”

“Oh, I'd love to stop for a hooficure but I'm looking for a friend first.”

“Oh, you mean Spike? He's enjoying his bubble bath at the moment.” Lotus Blossom motioned to the curtain behind her.

“No, actually I was looking for Rarity,” Twilight said. She'd almost forgotten that she'd sent Spike here to get him out of the way. He hadn't liked it, but it was for the best.

“Oh, well, you see...”

“Rarity?” Aloe finished up adding the mud mask to her client. She walked over to Twilight and nodded briefly. “She left not long ago. She looked terribly upset. I do hope she's all right.”

Twilight looked at Aloe and hung her eyes. That sinking feeling was coming back. Rarity hadn't been that upset to start with. Why was she now? Perhaps Spike knew. No, no – she couldn't ask Spike. He'd have questions of his own: questions that she didn't want to answer. It'd be better not to talk to him. Hmm, if Rarity was that upset, that still left Rainbow Dash. “Sorry girls, but it looks like I'll have to take a rain-check on that hooficure after all.” They were disappointed; and so was Twilight. She walked out the door and paused for a moment.

Where did Rainbow Dash live again?

Of all her friends, she'd never visited Rainbow Dash's house before. Twilight paused in a moment of introspection and flexed her wings. She could now. Ah right, she remembered now. It was almost like part of an old rhyme she'd heard:

...to Dryfeathers's house we go.

Over the foothills, and through the fog;

swing by the river and fly by the creek.

Up through the tunnel and down by the log;

...to Dryfeathers's house we go.

Except – it was Rainbow Dash's house and substituting her name for the original totally ruined the rhythm. Uh... speaking of rhythm... Twilight froze in shock. She'd never thought she'd see something like that again. Rainbow Dash's house was rotating, rotating. The entire house was rotating. Twilight's head spun just looking at it. She couldn't peel her eyes away. The rainbow fountains were dribbling freely off the sides and splashing on the ground. It was something she'd expect from Discord – not Rainbow Dash.

This, this – how could she approach Rainbow Dash like this? It- She- What-

Twilight hung her head again. Twilight wanted to reach out, to help support her friend. But how could she do that when she was so hollow inside herself? It was a common theme for her today – useless, failure. No. She wouldn't give up. There was still hope. There was still Rarity. Rarity-

-wasn't home again. She wasn't far though. Twilight could hear her whine. She thought she'd be used to Rarity's melodrama by now; but it grated at her soul to hear it this time. She flew towards the noise but the sound was misleading and she didn't see her friend. Hmm, the echoes of the streets distorted sounds more than she realized. She could still follow them, though. It'd just take a bit longer.

Twilight arrived at the train station in time for Rarity's big scene. The tear-away cloak-to-rags trick was a nice touch. After Rarity boarded and the train departed, Twilight walked up to collect the discarded hem of her outfit. She rubbed the fabric through her hooves and pressed it against her chest. The emptiness inside her gnawed fiercely at her heart.

“Um, excuse me,” Apricot Bow said. “Would you mind moving? You're holding up the line.”

“Oh, sorry,” Twilight said and walked off. A quick glance at the train schedule made it obvious where Rarity was headed. Once Twilight figured out what to do she'd send a note to Cadance. But how could she figure out what to do if none of her friends could help her? Twilight sighed. She had hoped that it wouldn't come to this:

Pinkie Pie.

Out of all her friends, Pinkie seemed to be the only sane one left. The improbability of it all was grating. Twilight hadn't wanted to see Pinkie about this because she didn't take it seriously in the first place. She'd have to eventually... but the process of getting there could be torture. With trepidation, she tapped on the door to Sugarcube Corner. Usually they were always open for business but today the sign on the door said, “Reservation Only.”

Mr. Cake stuck his head out. “Oh hey, Twilight. Have you come to make a reservation?” he asked.

That must have been one of the invitations that had gotten lost with her mail. “Sorry, Mr. Cake but I just came here to see Pinkie Pie. Is she here?”

Mr. Cake's head disappeared. “Honey, Twilight's here asking about Pinkie,” he said. There was some shuffling, and Mrs. Cake stuck her head out of the door instead.

“Oh Twilight... I'm so sorry but-” Mrs. Cake said.

“Pinkie Pie's not here?” Twilight asked.

“Oh, she is here but... um...” Mrs. Cake cast her eyes down and her voice trailed off.

“Is she really upset or something?” Twilight asked. Her heart skipped a beat. Not Pinkie Pie too.

“Yes... or something. I've never seen her like that. I do hope she's okay.” Mrs. Cake frown was one of genuine concern. “I, I think you should talk to her. I'd do it myself but I'm far too busy with these preparations.”

“I can't do that,” Twilight's voice cracked. She was tearing up. “It's my fault she's like this.” Twilight ran off sniffling. “I'm sorry... I'm sorry...”

Twilight ran off to the library and buried herself in her bed. Pinkie too? She must have just been keeping a straight face until Twilight left. Now there was no hope for her – at all. Some friends they were. Some friend she was. This hole in her was threatening to swallow her whole. A chill crept down her withers. Well, if she had a hole inside, she'd just have to fill it.

She'd find a way to do her part of the assignment. With that task complete, surely she could help her friends through it too. It was a task much easier said than done. Well, sitting in her bed weeping wasn't going to work. She threw off the covers and climbed out of bed. Her nose was runny from crying, her eyes were bloodshot, her mane was a horrible mess. Yeah, she was just the spitting image of beauty right now. Not.

She could straighten her hair, but she still needed a bit of time to recover before going out again. Well, she could always read a book. Wait, books! Of course! That had to be the answer. There were books on everything – even romance (especially romance). She was always accidentally picking up some steamy novel when looking for magical theory or practical spell books. This would be a snap.

Twilight went back downstairs and started levitating books at random. She read off titles as she picked them up. “Cutie Marks and Sunburn: a Conspiracy Theory, Time Dilation, Pre-Discordian History, Tactile Telekinesis, Horses and other Fantastical Creatures, The Salad Fork – a Primer, Rock Farming for Foals... No, no, no, no, no, no, no!” Twilight's frustration canceled her magic and all the books fell to the floor.

She could never understand just why she always had so much trouble finding books in the library. It's like Spike had some sort of super-secret dragon sorting code or something that only he knew. Come to think of it – he did. He called it something like Dewey Decimal.

She looked around the library. It really did look random, disorganized and messy. Well, she could fix that. Lighting up her horn, she levitated all of the books at once. They quickly flew around her as she reorganized them and placed them all back on the shelves. There, all of the books were now sorted by color and by size. The library had never looked more organized than it did now. She beamed. Now all she had to do was find a book. Erm, romance novels would be red... right?

It was no use. She looked though the red books, the pink books, and even the purple books. The closest she could find to an actual romance novel was Daring Do and the Forty Phallic Objects. She also found a joke book and a book on mane styles. She flipped through those briefly, and put the rest back on the shelves. She let out a heavy sigh.

She walked into the back room to powder herself up. It didn't take long to straighten out her hair and a little makeup made her look a lot better. She didn't have any of the recommended dresses to wear, but she did have something else. She removed the Element of Magic from its display case and put the crown thingy on her head. It would have to do.

Well, she'd wasted enough time. Despite the butterflies in her stomach, she walked outside. It was time to get out there and meet some ponies. She didn't have long to wait. Some ponies crashed right into her.

“Hey!”

“Oof.”

“Ow.”

“Aaaah.”

Twilight picked herself up and turned around to see Scootaloo, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle lying in the grass.

“Sorry Twilight,” Scootaloo said.

“What are you little ponies doing here?” Twilight asked.

“Applejack said this book on obscure farming techniques was nothing but trouble,” Apple Bloom said. “So we're returning it and finding something else to do.”

“Hm, sure, that's fine. Hey Spike!” Twilight absentmindedly shouted at the empty library, “Can you help them out?” Twilight paused briefly, and tapped her chin. “And be sure they stay out of trouble too,” she added, and walked off.

The three fillies were a little annoyed at being assigned a chaperon. Spike was easily bribed if need be, but that could get expensive. Hmm, where was he anyway? It was odd that he hadn't appeared yet. “Spike? Spike?” Scootaloo called out. There was no response. They all looked at each other.

“Spike's not here. Was something wrong with Twilight?” Apple Bloom asked. Sweetie Belle shrugged. There would be no supervision after all. The library stood exposed in an open invitation.

Princess Twilight Sparkle was on the go. Ponies stopped what they were doing and bowed as she passed. “What? Why is every pony bowing to me?” Twilight asked herself. Oh right, she was wearing her crown. She'd only picked it up for the looks and completely forgot about the formality that came with it. Well, it was too late to put it back now. Perhaps a bit of added authority could make her task easier instead of worse.

Ah – there was a stallion. He was an Earth pony, but there was no need to be picky. Any type of stallion would do, really. She recognized him from her first day in Ponyville when she met Applejack's family. “Hello there, Apple...”

“Red Delicious.” He bowed. Of course, he'd have to be one of the few whose name didn't actually start with 'Apple.' “You've certainly grown since the last time ai've seen you. It's an honor to make your acquaintance again, your highness.”

“Well, it's good to see a friendly face again,” Twilight said. “Say, I could really use your help for a project of mine.”

“Will it be quick? Ai'm kind of busy here.” Red Delicious looked up at the clock tower. “Well, ai'm not busy now, but ai have an appointment soon.”

“Oh, well, it shouldn't take more than a few minutes really. You see I need...” Twilight stared into his eyes. She was going to ask him? Just like that? A knot of nervousness twisted her tongue shut in protest.

“What do you need, Twilight?” Her nervousness was spreading to Red Delicious too. He was asking to be polite; not because he wanted an answer. He was curious, but Twilight was creeping him out.

“I, um, you see...” Twilight stammered on. She tried to compose herself and force the words out. “I need a foal by next year's Summer Sun Celebration.” She blushed.

“You're... trying to find somepony to foalsit?” Red Delicious asked. “Ai don't see how ai can help with that.”

“Oh no. Not like that. I, uh, need my own foal; and, uh, you can be the father?” Twilight's unhappy fake grin was almost as unnerving as what she was asking.

“Oh no! Would you look at the time. Is it 1:17 already? The train is running almost two hours ahead of schedule. Ai'd best get Granny Smith down to the train station. We sure wouldn't want to miss it.” Red Delicious galloped off as fast as his hooves would take him.

Well that was a bust. At least he tried to make an excuse. Who ever heard of a train departing two hours early anyway? Late maybe – but not early. It hurt to be turned down like that but he was only one stallion. She'd just have to ask another.

Hmm, there were too many ponies in this area, and they were already looking at her. She wanted a bit more privacy. She left that street to go down one a bit more deserted. Ah – perfect, there was a unicorn whispering to someone through a slit in a closed door. He was facing the wrong way to see her.

“Hey Graphite,” she said.

He jumped so high he nearly came out of his skin. His horn sparked in shock. The slit on the door slammed shut and Twilight heard a bar being set in place. Such measures wouldn't stop her if she wanted to go inside but the unicorn was her target. He landed in a heap and scooted backwards until he was cornered up against a crate and the alley wall. “Um, Princess.” He swallowed.

“What was that about?” Twilight asked. She motioned at the door and narrowed her eyes inquisitively.

“There is no illegal bunny trafficking ring!” he blurted out.

“I... never said there was... ?” Twilight's raised her eyebrows and lifted up a hoof. He'd said to much.

“Heh-heh, well, in that case I'd best be on my way.” Graphite cast a spell and phased through the side of the crate. The whole thing lifted up off the ground a few centimeters and tip-tapped down the alley before disappearing around a corner. Twilight just stood there blinking. She never even got to ask him her question; but after that display she didn't really want to. What was that nonsense about rabbits anyway? It wasn't illegal to own them or breed them or whatever. She'd... look into that later.

For now she'd continue her task.

Coming out of the alley, she spotted a nice looking pegasus. Perhaps a joke would help to get things started this time. “Hey Star Hunter, if I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?”

“Yes, yes I would.” Twilight leaned closer to him. He let her fall over. “As a matter of fact, I'm going to Town Hall right now to complain about you.” He flew off.

Ugh. Twilight got up and dusted herself off. That was worse than last time. Surely there had to be better ponies than that in this town. This project was proving to be a lot more difficult than she'd anticipated. She hated walking up to random ponies just to ask for their... 'help.' But if one would actually say, 'yes,' then she could get it over with and move on to helping her friends. Well, who should she ask next? She spotted another pegasus.

“Spectrum,” Twilight said. He noticed her and bowed.

“Yes, Twilight?” he asked.

“Well, I'm sure this is going to sound super awkward, but it's very important for me to birth a foal by next year and I need a stallion to- Uh, Spectrum?” He was curled up whimpering in a fetal position. She poked him. He spasmed in response then went right back to whimpering. That was kind of funny, actually. She poked him a few more times.

“Ack, Gtphu, Yergh-” He struggled to make coherent words. “Per-perhaps you should a-ask the s-stallion who lives th-there.” He unfurled himself enough to point at the shop behind Twilight.

The sign read, 'Jumbo Jellies.' Twilight stepped inside and looked around. The air was thick with the odor of fruit. The shop was full of extra-extra large, massive, and jumbo sized containers of jams, Jello, and jelly. She didn't see any pony there, though. “Hello?” she called out. “Jar Jar?”

“Meesa loves tubs of jelly!” A large head erupted from one of the vats. He was grinning from ear to ear.

“Aaaaaah!” The sight shocked Twilight so much she teleported out. She reappeared outside with her horn glowing from the effort. Her breath came in short, labored gasps. Her heart pounded in her chest. She struggled to calm herself down. That face was going to haunt her nightmares. “On second thought, I think I'll skip that one.”

Noteworthy walked up to her and bowed briefly. “Skip what? Are you okay, Twilight?” he asked.

Ooh, this one came to her. This could be promising. “Oh, you know how it is. One morning Celestia sends you a note telling you to get pregnant as quickly as possible and the next thing you know you're walking around town asking all the-”

“Celestia would never ask a pony to do something like that.” Noteworthy scoffed at the notion.

“Well she did. To me. This morning.” Twilight scrunched up her face in defense of her mentor and leaned forwards to emphasize her point. Noteworthy's eyes darted around. He was clearly looking for an exit. Oh no he didn't...

Twilight lit up her horn to teleport them someplace a bit more private and less open. They wound up in a tree, swaying from the top branches. “Aaah,” Noteworthy cried as he clung to his branch. He was just above her.

“Whoops, sorry. That's not what I meant to do,” Twilight said. “If you jump on my back I can fly-” He jumped-

-the wrong way.

Twilight cringed as branches snapped and broke from his descent. He landed with a horrible scream amongst the sounds of shattering glass. “Nooo! Not my stained glass caltrops collection.” Lyra yelled.

“I regret nothing,” Noteworthy said. Twilight flew off. She no longer wanted to have any part of this. From a safe distance, she watched as some ponies placed him on a stretcher and carried him off to the hospital. They worked quickly. He should recover in a few days, probably.

Great. She'd actually managed to injure a pony. She'd have to be more careful. Her magic could have a mind of its own sometimes. She'd spent her whole life dedicated to the study of magic just so stuff like this wouldn't happen. Yet – it still did every once in a while. At least she could take comfort in the fact that unicorn magic never happened without a reason.

She flew down from her perch and snorted. It didn't seem to matter what she said. They all got cold hooves regardless. A leaflet fluttered down and smacked her in the face. She knocked it off and grumbled. Her sour mood was interrupted by another pony. Ooh, another unicorn this time. Twilight stopped to comb the sticks out of her hair and wipe off the tree sap.

“Hello, Written Script,” she said. “Are you busy?”

“Greetings, Twilight.” He bowed. “Oh, I'm not really busy. I've just been trying to come up with some dialog for this story I'm writing but I can't think of anything.”

He was a writer? That could work in her favor. All she had to do was think of something he'd written. She'd read tons of books. Surely one of them must be his... Hmm... odd... Normally she was good at remembering authors, but she couldn't recall ever seeing his name. Written Script leaned into her ear and whispered, “Pre-readers are cancer.”

Twilight cringed and backed off. She'd better ask him the question before he said anything else she found distasteful. “I wish to foal,” she said flatly. “I choose you.”

“Yes-” he started to say.

Yes? Yes. Yes? Some pony actually said, 'Yes?' She seized up. Her body clenched in ways she thought not possible. Her breath stopped working. Her heart shriveled up.

“-that's brilliant. That's the perfect dialog for my story.” he finished. Twilight breathed a heavy sigh of relief. Wait – no. She should be upset about this. She'd wanted him to say, 'Yes' ...right? Now she'd have to try again... drat. Twilight blinked. What was that bit about 'perfect dialog' again? That was the worst thing she'd said all day.

He took her continued presence as a sign that she wanted to hear what he was writing. “Princess-Princess Alisparkle Twilicorn's sweat glistened in the sunlight and her eyes twinkled in the full moonlight. Rays of sunset emanated from behind her and seemed to extend from her luxurious eyelashes that were highlighted by the crescent moon while the sunrise uplifted her tail. Her mane took in the starlight of a moonless night and slowly, seductively, dripped it out as it flowed on the overcast sky and pulsated, rippled, undulated, throbbed, and vibrated with throes of warbling passion. 'I wish to foal,' she said, spoke, told, dictated as a reflection of a meteor shower passed over her eyes. 'I choose you.'” Written Script looked up from his writing. “So what do you think?” he asked. “Twilight? Twilight? Where'd you go?”

Twilight was once again in a tree, covered in pine needles and tree sap. She couldn't stop hyperventilating. That had to be- The. Worst. Possible. Thing. -that she'd ever heard. The mental image alone of the celestial bodies crashing into each other and trying to move out of each others way to make that description work just made her head hurt.

The world spun and she felt dizzy. She closed her eyes and forced herself to breathe slowly. The dizziness passed and she felt more equine again. She opened her eyes and stared out blankly. This day was not going well. She couldn't give up though. It was too important.

She could hear voices talking down below. “Thanks for letting us borrow the tools Mjölna,” Apple Bloom said. “We'll bring them back when we're finished.”

“Do be careful with them,” Mjölna said.

“We promise we won't break any.” Apple Bloom added a bunch of chisels and hammers to their cart. Twilight could see that they already had several other tools including a jackhammer. What in the world could they need all that for? A knife of apprehension sliced through Twilight.

Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no. Spike was still at the spa. She'd left them at the library completely unattended. There was no telling what sort of trouble they'd gotten themselves into. They'd probably knocked the whole place down and it was all her fault and she'd have no place to stay and Princess Celestia would be so upset and- Oh.

It was fine.

Twilight landed gently and walked inside. There was hardly any mess at all. A few books were misplaced: there were a few left on the floor and a green one was stuck between two yellow ones. Other than that she could see no signs that they'd even been there at all. Wait-

The basement door was open.

Twilight walked through and turned on the light. She'd been expecting chaos, but the laboratory was about the same as she'd left it. The neatly arranged broken quills she was going to experiment on had been messed up. Perhaps a beaker or two was in a different spot. It was unlike that group of fillies to pass up an opportunity to try something new in hopes of earning a cutie mark. They really must have just stopped by to find something else to do – something that happened to involve a lot of tools. What could it be? It was a mystery. Well, she'd probably find out eventually. She could leave them to their own devices. She had her own project to work on. She turned off the light and left the basement.

Ugh.

She flopped down. She wanted to just crawl upstairs and bury herself under the bed until the world ended. (Which could happen in a year if she didn't get this project completed). Ugh. She thought she heard Pinkie Pie outside, shouting. That couldn't be true. Pinkie wouldn't be up again so quickly. Ugh. Now Twilight was hearing things and she was going insane. Ugh. Her personal sanity was irrelevant. Her feelings were irrelevant. She wasn't doing this for herself. She had to do this for Equestria. Celestia had faith in her. Twilight couldn't let her down. She had to get back out there and keep asking.

Twilight forced herself off the floor. “Yeouhch.” Great. Now her floor was covered in tree sap, pine needles, and tufts of lavender fur. She really needed to clean herself off. Spike could get the floor.

Twilight didn't have any trouble using the hose outside with her magic. She washed off all traces of the sticky sap. Once she was done, she dried herself with a towel and combed down her mane. She was still damp but better than before. The wet fur smell was slightly muted by the odor of pine. Well, she was as presentable as she was going to get without a complete makeover. Who next?

Twilight spotted a construction worker. He looked like he was finishing up early. Twilight walked over to talk to him. “Hello, Jim Beam.”

“Greetings, Princess.” he bowed. Whoops – Twilight had forgotten to put her crown away.

“Do you find me attractive at all?” Twilight asked. She grinned and bared her teeth.

“Um, yes?” Jim Beam nervously replied. That was a deadly question.

“Great. Let's make babies.” She clapped her hooves together. Her eyes narrowed to points and drifted away from each other.

“Right here? In the middle of town?” Jim Beam tried to back off but she pressed forward and kept him pinned down with her gaze.

“Sure-” Twilight suddenly had a mental image of that taking place. The mayor would be so upset. “-or my place – or yours.”

“As much as I'd love to I simply can't. You, uh, you see- My, uh, goldfish, yes goldfish, I, uh, think it has rabies, yeah. And I need to take care of it.” Jim Beam tried to avoid looking into those crazy eyes.

“Can goldfish even get rabies? Why would you think it has rabies?” Twilight stopped pressing herself forwards and Jim Beam was able to get a bit more space.

“Well... one of the signs of rabies is fear of water,” Jim Beam said.

“What makes you think your goldfish is afraid of water?” Twilight's confusion gave her pause and she allowed Jim Beam to gain too much distance.

“It's on fire,” he said and ran away.

“Wha? Your goldfish has rabies because it's on fire? But... how?” Twilight just stood there stammering long after he left. This was yet another failure. This wasn't working at all. If only there was a group of ponies she could just order around to do her bidding. Oh wait; there was.

“Eeee,” Twilight droned as she inhaled. She flew over to Town Hall. There was a line at the complaints department, but she wasn't here for that. A small group of Pegasus Royal Guards were quartered here until better arrangements could be made. They were there to accompany Twilight on her official duties and pull her chariot, if need be. Needless to say, they didn't get out much.

Ever at ready, they snapped to attention when she flew in. They stood there stoic and unmoving, awaiting orders. “Ha ha ha. Oh boy am I glad you're here. I don't know why I didn't just come here in the first place.” Twilight's laugh sounded a bit deranged. “You see, I'm on orders to produce a foal for next year, and I need a willing stallion.”

They stood there stoic and unmoving.

“I mean you. Er, just one of you. No any of you. Just, not all at once.”

They stood there stoic and unmoving.

“Is... is it the way I smell? Do I stink? Is... is it my mane? Is my hair out of place? Do... do you not like me?”

They stood there stoic and unmoving.

“Ugh. Fine-” she snorted “-be that way.” Twilight turned around to leave. There was a clatter and a crash. She swung her head around and smacked face-first into an expanding dust cloud. It felt a bit more solid than she'd expected but she was part pegasus now. When the smoke cleared she could see four pony-shaped holes in the wall and pieces of discarded pieces of armor were rocking gently on the floor.

“Grrr.” Why was it that when Celestia ordered her to do something she jumped right to it, but when she ordered a pony to do the same thing he ran away? Twilight stormed out in anger.

Outside she spotted another unicorn. His name was Neon Lights. “Hey,” she said.

“Princess.” He started to bow. Twilight cut him off.

“You. Me. Sex. Now.”

“Whoa, you're forward. Almost as much as my current marefrie- Hey!”

“Yoink.” A white mare with a blue boot for a cutie mark bit his tail and started dragging him off.

“Booty Call,” he complained. He tried to struggle, but his flimsy unicorn legs were no match for the superior strength of an Earth pony.

Once again, Twilight was left alone.

Not for long – she spotted a pegasus flying overhead that took her fancy. With her magic, she caught him by the tail and dangled him in front of her. “Why hello there, Stormfeather.” Twilight licked her muzzle.

“Uh... Twilight.” Stormfeather blinked at her. He struggled to bow but it was impossible to do properly upside-down.

“Perfect. I'll just take this one home with me,” Twilight said and carried him with her.

“Twilight?” He swung back and forth dangling in the air.

“He he he. Why didn't I think of this before? Mine all mine.”

“Twilight!” Stormfeather shouted.

“Ugh. What is it?” Twilight paused and turned to look at him, Her eyelids were low and flat and she frowned.

“Uh, well, I hate to say it, but, my chicken – she tends to molt this time of year and she, uh, needs my help.” His grin looked like a frown from where she was standing.

“Your chicken – you need to help her molt?” Twilight's eyes narrowed and she snorted in his face.

“Yes.”

“You don't even know what I want, and you'd rather help your chicken molt?”

“Yes.”

“Ugh fine! Go molt your chicken!” Twilight canceled her magic and dropped him. He scrambled to recover and fly off. “See if I care! I could be molting too, you know,” she called after him. She checked herself to make sure that she wasn't actually molting. Her feathers didn't seem loose.

That was another bust. It was clear by now that no pony she asked would have anything to do with her. She might as well go home. “Am I really that intimidating?” Twilight asked herself. Yes, she was – and it was all the fault of her stupid crown. She walked up to her study room to put it away. She could see the sunset through the window. Great, she'd wasted the whole day with nothing to show for it. If only there was something she could do to make this whole thing easier. The floor still had that star-shaped scorch mark in it from when she-

Magic.

Of course, magic would be the answer. She jumped with glee. No more lame excuses. No more running off. All of the stallions in this town weren't going to just want her. Oh no – they were going to need her. It was perfect.

Twilight's horn sparked and glowed. She concentrated on the spell she was going to cast. Ack! Wait, not that spell. Anything but that spell.

Sudden dread filled Twilight. She couldn't stop. Her horn kept gathering magic. She tried to twist the magic into something else, but it resisted her. Her eyes were glowing. The sheer power of the spell lifted her off the ground. She was helpless in its grasp. She felt something 'pop'. The magic drained from her. She slumped to the floor in relief.

Heaving from exhaustion, she lifted a foreleg to her brow to wipe off the sweat. She knocked off her crown thingy. The Element of Magic was glowing and gradually faded. The element had absorbed her spell? Twilight didn't know such a thing was even possible. She wasn't going to question it though; it saved her flank from a lot of trouble. Twilight didn't turn around to see it, but if she had she would have seen the Element of Generosity light up as Magic faded.

Next Chapter:
A Beautiful Heart

Author's Note:

Twilight, you are not Molestia. You are so bad at this.

There's a book called, Daring Do and the Forty Phallic Objects? No wonder Rainbow Dash enjoys that series so much.

Oh, well, it shouldn't take more than a few minutes really.

Those are some high expectations there, Twilight.