Link: Sweetie Belle's search for immortality

I want to hear all the opinions (good and bad) from anypony (you don't even have to be a reviewer). Please post them in this thread.

This is my first ever fan fiction story. Only chapter 1 is finished so far. One major aspect of this story is a different interpretations of the character Sweetie Belle. She has her dark moments in the show. In this fic she has, due to extra pressure on her, even more of them.

I started writing this story because I thought I was onto something. But now I am starting to fear (due to low responses per view ratio) that the story has fallen in the 'meh' category. I don't want my story to be superficial. Anything but that. I want my stories to be entertaining, not dry. Where am I in this respect?

Also, I want my story to flow. I heard there was a sentence in the story that needed to be read twice. I won’t stand for such a sentence in my story. But I can’t find it. Can you tell me if you come across any awkward sentence please?

I want to know if this story has the potential to get on EQD. I would like to know what I can improve on.

If you see any grammatical mistake (there shouldn't be any despite English not being my first language (I fixed them all, I think)) you can just fix it while you read the story in my original Public Google Doc. I mean...if that's okay with you.