Guide

If you are an Author or Nominator of a Luna Slate XII Entry, you may rate comments on your Entry.

If you have an eligible Comment, claimed or new, on a Luna Slate XII Entry, you may rate Comments on that Entry.

Rating involves reading the new Comments (listed in non-italics below) for an Entry and choosing those that are, in your opinion, "the best". The winners of each Entry will receive a greater weight when voting for Luna Slate XIII, and will have their comments highlighted in this thread for posterity.

The deadline for Comment Rating is 2022 Jan 31 7PM EST. You may PM me your ratings or use the Google Form.

Comments

Entry 1: Kirin and the Frog

• Bicyclette
• PinoyPony
• SparklingTwilight
• Scribblestick

Entry 2: The Changeling Collar

• Bicyclette
• PinoyPony
• Scribblestick

Entry 3: Dither

• Bicyclette
• daOtterGuy
• PinoyPony
• SparklingTwilight
• Scribblestick

Entry 4: love; not wrong (brave)

• Bicyclette
• daOtterGuy
• PinoyPony
• SparklingTwilight
• Scribblestick

Results

Entry 1: Kirin and the Frog

Winner: Scribblestick

Link

Hiya! I usually enjoy twists on classic tales, so I was curious to see how your Frog Prince story turned out. I have to say, it was really enjoyable. I liked Autumn's take on the plus-one "option," and her solution had the perfect amount of insane logic to be fun. Plus, I'm always down for a story that gives Prince Blueblood his just desserts!

I think the biggest thing I would change is your paragraph structure. You favor very short paragraphs in this story. Most of them are only one or two sentences long. Now, there's nothing inherently wrong with short paragraphs, but as with all things in writing, variety is usually best. A short paragraph is punchy, just like a short sentence. It's like a sudden gust of wind that almost knocks you over, great for getting a reader's attention and emphasizing the most important parts. But if all of your paragraphs are short and punchy, you lose the effect, and the story starts to feel disjointed. If the wind gusts never stop, are they really gusts anymore?

I also noticed a minor grammar issue that is very easy to correct. When writing dialogue, your sentence will have two parts: the quotation (what is said), and the attribution (who said it). For example:

“Oh, come on!” She cried out.

The thing to remember is that even if those parts are complete sentences on their own, they work together as a single sentence when put together. That applies even if your quotation ends with a question mark or exclamation point. As such, you don't need to capitalize the word that comes right after the quotation, unless it's a name or something else that would be capitalized for another reason.

Those are really the only two suggestions I have. I'm glad I read this story, and I hope you keep writing more!

Entry 2: The Changeling Collar

Winner: PinoyPony

Link

I like the nod towards the engineering of the Collar. I find the ‘what-if’ scenarios were thought up for the collar very fascinating (just the engineer in me having a heyday hayday):

My holes are growing larger, but the collar won’t fall because it’s held with magic sensing if I can change, even though my porous neck it looks like it doesn’t belong.

Especially with the holes. I like the theory that the holes (at least the large ones) are a sign of love deficiency:

My Changeling holes have grown bigger and I am thin.

Ultimately, the social dynamic of having a ‘friendly’ Changeling amongst ponies is enough to get me. First, is the sustainable way:

I save bits, spent on gifts and food for ponies since their joy and love is *my* feast.

However, due to ravages of war, that commodity turns scarce. What happens if a need isn’t met? The starvation of that need drives the main character drives them to feed harmfully, and that winds them up in a prison camp..

What really stings is that the main character is powerless in their circumstances. Ask for it? In the climate of war? No chance. Send a message to the authorities of the dire situation? They have a war to worry about. Granting a Changeling sustenance is going to raise some eyebrows. So, in desperation, they give in to the only option left: take it by force.

Nicely done, Sparkling!

Entry 3: Dither

Winner: SparklingTwilight

Link

I am writing this comment because this story was placed in the "I Just Want a Comment Group" (presumably by you?) and then someone signed it up for a different comment group, so I presume the following is desired and will be welcome. If not, just let me know!:

Thank you for this interesting noir-like piece. It succeeded in creating a stifling, cold, and oppressive atmosphere. I was on-board for this story in the first part, but I gradually became less engrossed in it as I read. That said, I do not typically read melodramas, which is what I think you were aiming to craft, so someone who is more of a connoisseur of that art may have a different conclusion than mine! (And, looking at your writeup for the story it appears that many others have provided pre-feedback, so take this as the comment of an outsider to the genre--the extent it is worthwhile may depend on what you want to achieve.)

One theme, other than Millie's unsettled troubles appears to be about missed opportunities for closeness between siblings due to overwhelming complexities of past experiences--which comes through!

However, the ending seemed a bit overly dramatic in the sense that it seemed there were a few unanswered questions that I either missed the answers to or else I think the story would have benefited from either avoiding the questions or framing up answers to them. (See below for elaboration).

It was a good decision to frame the story with the stork and to use same as a lens through which to view the subject. And you also made a direct association in the story with the subject and birds! A great way to strengthen the imagery.

As for me, I'd like to think that she’s out there somewhere, living her life, doing her best.

Seems a little melodramatic. I suppose Photo Finish thinks that Mill is spiraling toward death because she has not written? But how long has it been since she departed? Not writing for a month is one thing, and five years is another. In all that time, Photo Finish didn't ever seek Mill out or hear about her (I guess she is letting her go like a stork in her photos--doesn't want to interfere)? Maybe Mill changed her name? You did well, however, in setting this up earlier with Photo Finish's stated questions.

I am also surprised that Mill slipped out without Photo Finish noticing despite Mill having "suitcases aplenty". I suppose Photo Finish is a deep sleeper?

Mill Finish will never be a mare who would be there for you when you need her most.

*Minor: It is odd to change tenses within a single sentence. Perhaps change the first "will" to "would" since the rest of the story is told in the past tense. Another way to revise this sentence could be to add a colon--":" in the line immediately before it and to surround the sentence with quotation marks: then you can play with time inside the quotation marks and could even write two "will"s instead of "would"s!

Entry 4: love; not wrong (brave)

Winner: SparklingTwilight

Link

Twilight's arrogance in the first segment is amusingly on-character.

It is good to see Cadance applying her job's duties in an all-encompassing way. I am surprised you took this in a different direction than just examining the four Greek ideals of love (eros (romantic), philae (friendship), agape (sacrificial), storge (family)), or the love languages, which is what I would have expected from most stories. Instead, you appear to have taken the concept here in an inventive way beyond the expected with vignettes based on dichotomies: parents known, parents not-known, child not known (with another one coming soon(?)), lover departed, friends departed (told to a friend present), and lover present. Best wishes!