[Unpublished stories cannot be embedded]

What's this, an HiE? I like those. Let's have a peek. Oh... It's a humanized story. For the sake of being open, not my favorite kind of story. Still, I read on. Pre-word, don't do those. Nothing said there couldn't have, in theory, waited until after the first chapter. Instead, my first impact with your story is you apologizing for the story. Don't be sorry! Make with the words and make us happy to read them.

Errors, they are there. I left a bunch of corrections for the ones I noticed. It didn't read poorly I feel I should note, just little trips that pulled me away from the story. Hopefully this gets fixed. Grammar: ★★

Use of show canon: Fluttershy is herself, mostly. Everyone else may as well be a stranger. It's humanized, but beyond that, nobody is... themself. ★

Character Consistency: The bratty kid is consistently bratty. Fluttershy is Fluttershy. We didn't get enough time with Discord to know what he was. I'm left with incomplete pictures of these characters and they feel shallow. ★★

Plot Flow: This is the first chapter of an incomplete story. It feels like it's setting up the pieces, but the game never continued. Why are they there? What will happen? I'm curious, but it's been about a year, so... hmm. ★★

Entertainment: I'm left unsatisfied. Continue the story! As I just mentioned, you start, and stop. You tease what could maybe be interesting or not, and never decide the case. ★

Overall: Too much dialogue, I think. Most of what they did, they spoke. I'm equally guilty of this at times in my stories, don't let me claim innocence here. Let your characters interact with the scenery. Did either of them see something during the drive? Did Fluttershy notice something interesting in that house besides the people? These things can help round out a scene and give plot seeds to use later. Please keep going! Touch up those grammatical tricks and I could bump this up to 2. ★

Thanks for the tale. I hope I didn't sound too negative about it. Please, continue.