I've finished re-writing the final chapter, "Why?' and did some minor editing. I need to go back and do a lot more editing, just to make sure everything is smooth, but the basic shape is done. Feel free to check it out!

6029829 I re-read the first half of the chapter, and I feel that a lot of my previous criticism still applies. The conversation feels like a slog to read, partly because the focus of it shows up too late, and partly because of the bland descriptions and awkward characterization.

Ultimately, I feel like there's too much here. This is one of those instances where I think cutting is as important as rerewriting. The conversation between Pinkie and the Amulet needs to be more focused. It needs to have a single theme/topic running throughout it, not three or four or five. The conversation rambles and wanders around too many topics to be easily digested.

One writing exercise I like to use is simple but effective; if this were a self-contained story, and you were uploading it to FIMfic, what would you write in the description box? If you had to write a short summary only a sentence long, what would you put there?

There are some good ideas here, and some interesting descriptions. But they are cramped together with too many other ideas, and sandwiched between a lot of waffling and bland description.

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I feel like there's too much here.

Probably my biggest weakness.

If you had to write a short summary only a sentence long, what would you put there?

Pinkie tempts the Amulet.

Which means that first half of her conversation needs to be laser focused on Pinkie tempting the Amulet. And then Amy flips that on her, because she doesn't know any other way to be.

Why doesn't she know any other way to be?

Should probably change the name from "Why" because we aren't allowed to actually answer why the Amulet is the way it is. And it doesn't really talk about why Pinkie is the way she is anymore.

6122620 Tempts the amulet with what? I think that's the main issue here. What Pinkie is tempting the Amulet with--or if she's tempting it at all--isn't clear. There is some nice ideas there, like when she tricks the Amulet into admitting it has personal desires. But again, none of these ideas receive enough focus to be meaningful.

I'm beginning to think that you were right; we don't know enough about the Amulet for this chapter to work as intended. (and now I feel a little bad for peer pressuring you into writing it. ) We only know that it wants a body/host, and perhaps that it is a compulsive liar. That's why I originally thought the idea of Pinkie Pie offering it a body with no power seemed like an interesting scenario, although I admit that it might have been somewhat contrived.

This is one of those complicated scenarios that doesn't have an easy way to fix it. The chapter needs to be more streamlined and focused, but how and what form that might take, I can't say for sure.

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I'm beginning to think that you were right; we don't know enough about the Amulet for this chapter to work as intended.

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

The Amulet wants to live. Why does it want to live? Because it doesn't want to die. Circular logic. Unhelpful.

The Amulet wants to know what other ponies want, that's what makes it good at tempting. And it's good at tempting because it wants to survive.

Build out from that. It learns how ponies think from watching their pain. It's conditioned itself to think that pain in others is a good thing. It wants to hurt people because it thinks that's what supposed to happen. It might understand that its prey doesn't like that, but it doesn't have a reason to care. So Pinkie jumps in, wanting to find a way to temp the creature, and that's her stated goal. Have her say that early, to garner a response. She asks it about itself, trying to find what it wants.

How does that process go?

It's Pinkie. She offers to play a game with it. Twenty (or so,) questions, and the winner gets whatever they want from the loser.

She finds that the Amulet doesn't rember its own past. (maybe quote the Killing Joke, if there's a seamless way to work it in) Pinkie names the Amulet Amy.

The Amulet asks Pinkie about how other ponies view her.

Pinkie asks the Amulet about how other ponies view it.

The Amulet asks how much it should care.

Pinkie is stumped. Try's again. Asks about how it creates illusions.

Conversation from existing draft.

“Oh, I still know all things I got from watching the ponies who’ve tried me on before. Fluttershy and Sugarcube Corner are simply the ones that I know a lot about and are familiar to you.” Amy hesitated for a moment, looking thoughtful. “Lot’s of ponies seem to like you.”

Pinkie blushed. “Aw, thanks! I try to make time for as many ponies as I can!”

Amy’s voice lowered. “What if I could let you party with all of Equestria at once, forever?”

“I’d say that’s a reeeeaaaally obvious hook.” Pinkie idly tapped a hoof against the countertop as she thought about what to say next. “If you can’t see into my mind, then you must be making this yourself, right? Then that means you can make up things, just like real ponies!”

Amy shook her head, but it looked stiffer than her other movements. Pinkie frowned as she watched the unnatural motion. Her hair didn’t move or sway, and the rest of her body sat frozen in place. “I’ve just borrowed knowledge from others and extrapolated it to create an illusion. That’s not the same thing.”

“Of course it’s the same thing!” Pinkie chirped. “You took stuff you learned from others and smushed it together to make something new! You're just like us!”

Amulet reacts poorly. Frightens Pinkie.

Amulet asks what Pinkie hopes to gain from securing a friendship from the Amulet, suggesting she wants to wield its power safely.

Pinkie can't give a better answer than saying it's right.

Amulet acts superior.

Pinkie grows upset.

“If you remove the reason to hold back, you see what a pony is truly like. If you look deep enough, everypony has a dark side. Gaining power simply allows them to act on it. I’m not responsible for any of it.”

Pinkie stalked back towards her table. “You’re not responsible? What about all the mean things you made ponies see to get them to put you on? Aren’t you responsible for that?”

Amy shook her head mechanically. Her mane didn’t sway with her. “Everything they saw came from within themselves. I created none—”

“What about Dashie?”

Amy was silent.

Pinkie pressed forwards, getting right in the other mares face. “She has panic attacks whenever she’s left alone for more than a few minutes. Carrot Top couldn’t stop crying for ages after she got out. I don’t even know what you did to Cadance. That was all you, weren’t it?”

I had the idea that Pinkie could appear in some other chapters, providing emotional support, but it might be too late to edit the other chapters.

The Amulet insists that it has the right to do these things because it's the only way to survive.

Pinkie asks what's she's living for, inadvertently answering why friendship is important, and possibly quotes C.S.Lewis if it'll sound natural.

The Amulet doesn't know, and starts to really break down.

Possibly return to current draft from this point? Probably shift the very ending a little.

and now I feel a little bad for peer pressuring you into writing it.

Dude, if anything, I pressured you into letting me write this.

6123587 Is it good at tempting? It doesn't succeed in any of the chapters I feel that this outline still has some of the same issues; there's too many leaps of logic and it is hard to follow.

The way I see it, it seems more like the Amulet wants power, not that it wants to tempt ponies. The temptation is a means, not an end. That's why it lies to every pony it meets, because that is the easiest way to convince them to wear it, and thus make itself stronger.

But we could make it work otherwise. After all, we've only seen the effects of someone wearing it once, and Trixie was consumed by revenge at the time. There was an artifact in one of the MLP books that amplified emotions both good and bad, and so it only made you crazy/evil if you had those thoughts already.

Perhaps the Amulet is similar. It doesn't care who wears it, as long as they use its power. It's just that the sort of pony who would want power is usually ambitious and aggressive. This may be the first time that the Amulet has encountered bearers who don't want to have power.

Perhaps that is where the temptation lies. Pinkie Pie has a conversation with it along those lines, and determines that the Amulet wants to be worn, but it doesn't matter by who. Then that is the crux of the temptation that she offers it. She will wear it, but will never use its power. It will live, but it will never be able to make her more ambitious or proactive, and she doesn't have any need of its powers.

And so it has to make a decision; is it worth living, without fulfilling any purpose? Is it worth existing, for no other reason than to exist?

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And so it has to make a decision; is it worth living, without fulfilling any purpose? Is it worth existing, for no other reason than to exist?

Well, it doesn't know what its original purpose is, and it's current purpose it simply survival. I came up with the pain thing, because I thought enjoying tormenting others like that would be a way to stave off depression, but its' probably not supported in the other chapters. I am saving that idea, because there's got to be something I can do with it down the road.

Pinkie could offer the Amulet one of the Mirror Clones? After all (for the purposes of this story at least) they aren't sapient, and it's far less risky than wearing it but not using it's power, which I'm not sure the Princess's would allow.

The point of this chapter is Pinkie tempting the Amulet. Maybe I should skip the questions and lead with the offer.

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Could you clarify which parts don't make sense? It seemed logical to me when I re-read it.

6129329 I think the main issue is that it jumps from subject to subject too abruptly. This may be because it is an outline, but there seems to be too many different topics being covered. It goes from 20 questions (which isn't really how that game works normally), to the Amulet's past, to how others view Pinkie and the Amulet, etc. There's a lot of ideas showing up, and all of them seem to be given minimal effort. A single one could make a good foundation for the chapter, and you've got 5+.

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Okay, that's probably because I wanted to cover as much as the Amulet as possible. Now we condense! What's the most relevant?

The way Amy views people. What exactly she was programmed to do is vague, but part of that is people = food. Now that's she's devolved sapience admitting that they are real people means admitting that she's done some really horrible things to people, and that's going to be hard

Pinkie lets Amy ask her Twenty (or so) questions, in an attempt to prove that ponies have value, which is the exact kind of Star Trek style story I've wanted to write for ages. Pinkie proves her point, but Amy can't accept the answer as true and breaks down, partly because she can't/won't believe Pinkie and partly because her refusal to believe Pinkie is illogical, and she's spends the last of her power trying to make sense of it without acknowledging Pinkie has a point.

Thanks, dude! I think that's all I needed.

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Okay, while I maintain my revised outline would have fixed the issues, I didn't work on it enough over the week and it won't be publishable by tomorrow morning. Since its' the last chapter, I might be able to finish it properly before it actually gets published depending on how you release the story, if not we publish your Luna story. I'm really sorry.

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Okay, I have a working version of Pinkie's chapter (working title Value) finished. I think I might need to simplify the Amulets death and maybe space out the emotional stuff a little, but overall I'm pretty proud of it.

6164495 I'll look at it after I look over the chapters that come before it :P