New and not really improved, the latest version of Moondancer’s story can be found here.

What began with this draft as an attempt to capture growing insanity with typographical experimentation ended up as a test as to how limited FimFiction’s settings are. Indeed, there are a few formatting hiccups that you may notice, and I’d like to discuss these things and how we might be able to get around them.

Let's start with the biggest issue; the main character doesn't sound anything like Moondancer. Now, we are talking about a character that only appeared in one episode, so there's a lot of leeway in how you portray. She also had a pretty forgettable/bland personality and speaking style, so that's even more room to reinterpret her character.

The version of her here, however, is so far removed from the show Moondancer that it becomes jarring. There's at least one Author Tract in there, and the general presentation and sentence structure of her speech sounds like a completely different character.

Almost all the other things I noted stem from this one style. Things like the long-winded sentence structure and it's liberal use of commas, the waffling/rambling nature of the sentences, and the difficulty of parsing sentences all stem from Moondancer's awkward intonation and mannerisms. Part of this may be justified by it being an internal monologue/running record. But that justification doesn't match up with the presentation as an actual journal, and it can only stretch so far from canon.

The typographic gimmicks also don't seem to be doing much. A gimmick is all well and good, but it needs to have purpose. Entry 3 and 4 show some of the indecision and jumbled nature of Moondancer's thoughts, but the typography doesn't add as much as it could. The color of Amulet and Twilight also serves no purpose (I was hoping that the Amulet would disguise itself as Twilight and the coloring would remain; that might have been nifty).

That said, there are some other things that worked well. The removal of one of the entries is an interesting idea; why was it removed? What happened? I think that you could play up this angle, drop more hints and implications about what was removed and why. Construcing this non-event and giving the reader not quite enough information to figure it out, then showing the aftermath...that would make for an engaging and interesting chapter.

I also like the idea of Moondancer forgetting that Twilight is reading these papers. There's room for some comedy and drama in there. The ending, where Moondancer confesses to the paper instead of to Twilight in person, is great, and I feel that idea could make a few more appearances.

So overall, I think this is a great start, and with more polish and adjustment could be a great chapter.

6009778 Is this chapter going to be ready for posting next week?

6135501 By the end of today it should be. I've been in a real creative funk this past month or so (personal issues), and I've had to force myself into writing anything, but I think I can apply fixes to my chapter in one big push.

It'll take a few hours out of my day today, but it's Saturday, and I think I can do it.

6135501
Now we have the actually improved (and hopefully) final draft, which can be found here.

As you can see, the theme/title has been changed back to Love.

6136303 Do you have an ETA for completion, or do you want me to post the next chapter ahead of this one?

6142416
I think the way we had this ordered made the Twilight chapter ahead of this one, although I'm not sure if that's coming out tomorrow or what. I can look it over again and maybe tweak a few things in the next couple days.

6142468 Try and have it done by Friday if you can; I'm not sure if the Twilight chapter is going to be ready on time

6142508
That's Titanium Dragon's chapter, right? I thought it had been done for a while.

6142548 The first draft was done, but there's been a distinct lack of edits and updates

6142556
Have you talked to him about it?

6142573 yes. But even if he does finish his chapter in a timely fashion, I'm still talking to everyone about when their chapters are going to be done

6142579
I'd assumed he was re-writing in a separate doc.

6142468 Do you have an updated ETA?

6149788
I'll have it done by the end of today.

Personal issues have been getting in the way.

6149788
The chapter is now ready for takeoff. Made the corrections you suggested and also made some other small tweaks.

Originally, way back in June or July, I had something in mind for the Author's Note, but now I can't think of anything. The story speaks well enough for itself, at least in my opinion.

6151398 Your chapter is now live