Rough draft can be seen here.

Needless to say, I'll be happy to adjust matters to better fit the overarching storyline; this is just the preliminary state.

6009237
Crap, my chapter had Ditzy profoundly effected by her experience with the amulet.

Could we have some pony's go through the trials off-screen? It feels cheap, but I don't want to have to write out an entire Fluttershy chapter.

6010134 I already mentioned off-screen happenings as a possible idea, and no one seemed to respond to it. I'm still okay with it, as long as its not done too excessively

6009237 Alright, finished going over the chapter.

Overall, I think it does a good job of realizing the concept from your outline. The way the Amulet keeps backtracking, the way Ditzy keeps replying to their concerns and countering them, and the general escalation of it all worked pretty well. More than a few lines made me laugh, and the way you draw comedy from the situation is great.

The main issue I had, however, was the abrupt transition in the middle of the story. We go from bureaucratic chicanery, to the Amulet having a barely-provoked outburst and using Dinky as its disguise. I can see the line of reasoning that leads to this, but it happens far too quickly, with no real lead-up or escalation beforehand.

Extending the paperwork scene, making a smoother transition into the Amulet's outburst, would not only help this issue, it would also provide more opportunities to vary the progression of the story. Perhaps after a bit of this, the Amulet wises up and its faux-government employees become more competent. Or perhaps the Amulet keeps Moving the Goalposts, and it actually starts to catch Ditzy off guard.

I don't know how long you originally planned this to be, but the current version feels a little on the short side. That may be because of the deadline, or it may be intentional, to reflect Ditzy's no-nonsense style.

I also noticed that the level of drama and verisimilitude vary widely across the story. I imagine this was partly intentional; after all, the Amulet doesn't quite seem to grasp the full ramifications of its illusion, and that makes sense. But the narration also has moments of inconsistency and mismatched tone, particularly in the opening paragraphs.

Overall, I thought this was a very entertaining concept well-executed. With a bit more polish and fleshing out, it could be even better.

6011340
Yeah, I did not give myself a lot of time to put this together. Agreed on all points. I'll start formulating the changes soon.

6011340
I've made some adjustments. Not necessarily a final draft, but definitely a second one.

6031215 Alright, I finished going over the second draft. Overall, I like it. It has a better flow and a more comfortable length than the first draft. The descriptions of Ditzy's grapples with paperwork are a bit abrupt; I got some sense of the ponderous length, but I didn't feel much of it myself. A few extra sentences describing the actual act of filling out the paperwork would go a long way to showing the audience how long it takes, rather than just telling us numbers.

The biggest issue, however, was the general lack of conflict. There's no real climax or arc to the proceedings. It takes work to defeat the Amulet, but it's not hard work. Ditzy never feels challenged, emotionally or otherwise.

There's a hint of a climax partway through, when Twilight shows up. The only time we see any fear or emotional strain from Ditzy is when Twilight refuses to help her. But it happens and then Ditzy moves on a few sentences later.

Overall, some of the problems I mentioned from the first draft are still there (mostly bits of underwhelming description and the same inconsistent level of drama). It's definitely an improvement over the first draft, though, and I like where its going.

6031215
The Carrot Top chapter Chris is writing specifically mentions that Carrot Top is Ditzy's best friend and Dinky's godmother. Could you do anything with that?

6009237 Is this chapter going to be ready for posting next week?

6136575
Working on it today. Sorry; work's been nuts and other projects have been clamoring for my attention.

6136575
Hopefully this is somewhat improved.

6137335 Finished my read of it. Overall, I like it. You addressed all my concerns from the previous draft, and the pacing and description is all great. All the comments I had were ultimately minor, fine-tuning sorts of things.

If you want to make any final adjustments, you still have some time, though I think the chapter is perfectly postable as-is.

6139986
Fine tuning performed. Thanks for all the feedback.

6141007
If it isn't to much trouble, could you add a line when Twilight and Ditzy are talking that where Ditzy mentions she didn't totally forget that she was dreaming, and Twilight says the Amulet might be slipping? Only if you have time, of course.

6141007 Your chapter is now posted. I ended up using 1.25x font size for the Amulet's "dialogue", since that seemed to match the '3 font sizes larger' of the original most closely.