My Rainbow Dash chapter (tentatively titled Nothing Happened) is ready to be subjected to review.

5980492 I’ll give it a thorough review later tonight.

5980492 Alright, having gone through the entire chapter, I definitely saw some recurring issues. And I know you said this is the draft that is more focused on chain of events than description, but that only makes these comments more important.

As with all critique, this is only my opinion. And just because I’m the chief editor/project lead, doesn’t make my opinion any more or less valid than anyone else’s. With that said, here’s what I thought.

My main issue was the boring descriptions. The vast majority of the story is described in the dullest possible terms. This is a chapter whose focus is boredom, drudgery, fatigue, discomfort; all powerful, draining emotions. But we as readers don’t get to experience any of that, because the story describes everything in a bland, abrupt way.

For example, this paragraph;

Rainbow paced back and forth in the small room. It had been days since she’d read the note. She was tired, but whenever she lay down, she couldn’t fall asleep. She was hungry, she could smell herself, and her wings were cramped. Tension had been building inside of her, and finally she snapped. “What are you waiting for?” Rainbow shouted. “ For me to let my guard down? Is this just a set-up for something? Are the walls gonna turn into spikes, or maybe start to crush me?”

She’s tired, can’t fall asleep, hungry, smelly, cramped. But none of those are conveyed to the audience in particularly interesting terms. Reading this, I didn’t feel for Rainbow Dash, I just felt a little bored.

In the same way, the paragraph describes rising tension, but we don’t see any rising tension. The narration is telling us that there’s tension, instead of showing it to us and letting us experience it for ourselves. This is a note I made a lot: telling instead of showing.

Here’s an example of how I might rewrite this paragraph to be more engaging and give the reader a better sense of Rainbow Dash’s feelings;

Rainbow paced back and forth in the small room. It had been days. Her muscles tingled, her eyes drooped. She had laid down countless times, hoping to fall asleep, but sleep never took her. Her stomach rumbled and groaned and gurgled, like it was trying to eat itself and failing.

Every time she took a deep breath, the smell of sweat and dust filled her nose and mouth. Every time she moved her legs or wings or head or tail, it bumped into the walls.

It seemed so easy. All the minor discomforts piled upon each other, however, made each one that much harder to accept. Every time that smell hit her nostrils, every time her stomach grumbled, every time she tried to stretch and failed, another nerve wore down and broke.

Rainbow Dash stood up, and her head bumped on the ceiling. She ground her teeth together. “What are you waiting for?” she shouted. “ For me to let my guard down? Is this just a set-up for something? Are the walls gonna turn into spikes, or maybe start to crush me? Get on with it already!”

Of course, this is just an example. But notice how my version takes a bit more time to say everything. It describes Rainbow Dash’s feelings and circumstance in slightly more detail. Yes, it’s 100 words longer, but it offers the reader more opportunities to get invested in Rainbow Dash’s plight. It also shows her feelings a bit more, instead of telling them; things like her stomach grumbling or her teeth gritting. This invests the reader further, since they have to connect the dots and infer things, instead of just having information dumped on them.

Passive voice is another thing I mentioned at several points. I will concede that passive voice is a common stylistic complaint, but I think it’s relevant here. It’s a common contributor to making the sentences and descriptions unengaging.

I already put some examples in the gdoc, but here’s another:

The print was small and difficult to make out, but Rainbow managed.

Notice how, in this sentence, the was is making the ‘print’ the thing doing the action, and Rainbow ‘managed’ to act on it. by reversing this pattern, by making Rainbow the one doing the action, it makes the sentence read much differently:

Rainbow managed to make out the print, but it was small and difficult.

None of the words have changed, but now Rainbow is now the one taking the action on the print, instead of the other way around. I still feel this sentence is a little boring, but now in its new form, it’s easier to see ways to make it more descriptive, because we have more options in how Rainbow reads it, rather than the way it is read by her.

Rainbow squinted at the note. The print looked cramped and hasty. Rainbow leaned in, and it only held three small words.

All this passive voice and dull description creates a lack of atmosphere. We don’t get a sense of Rainbow’s claustrophobia or fatigue. We don’t get a sense of the room. And without those emotional lows and uncomfortable spaces, her freedom and elation at the end of the chapter don’t mean very much. Let your self describe things more elaborately. Inject some more imagination and verve in the descriptions. Do that, and the story will be a very engaging read.

I know this is a lot of criticism to take in at once. But when it comes to the big-picture--the chapter as a whole--I thought that the plotting and pacing were good. It gradually escalates, and--when you add those scenes at the beginning and end--I think the chapter will have a good arc and self-contained storyline. Rainbow’s trial being a test of patience fits her very well. Some of the AMulet’s ideas, the exact reason it’s keeping her there, and why exactly she breaks free...some of the finer details are vague or poorly-explained. The concept as a whole, however, I think is on-point.

So overall, with some touch-ups--mostly in the descriptions, but also with a bit more context and clearer climax--I think this is shaping up to be a great chapter.

5981196
Wow, thanks for staying up so late writing this! I’ll have it fixed up by sometime next weekend.

5981269 Nah, I'm just nocturnal right now.

If you have any questions, or if one of my suggestions is not clear and needs further explanation, don't be afraid to ask

I went over the chapter again. Overall, I think you did a great job of addressing my criticisms from the first round and making Rainbow's emotions more substantive and the narration less tell-y.

Now that this basic level stuff is out of the way, I can focus on another issue; the Amulet's motivation seems unclear. Why is it doing this to Rainbow? What makes it stop? Where is the conflict coming from? How does Rainbow overcome that conflict?

Now that you've made Rainbow's emotions and feelings more subtle (while leaving room for inference), you need to do the same to the Amulet. You need to give the audience some idea of why it is doing what it is, and that will make the chapter that much more engaging of a read.

The important thing, I think, is that the Amulet is threatening her rather than tempting her. Why? Is it scared? Does it think RD is weak or vulnerable to threats? Or did it try something new and pick the worst pony for it? And why does Rainbow Dash endure for so long? (Her motivation about her 'friends' in the current draft doesn't make a lot of sense; it either needs more context or needs to be replaced)

5987909
What is the Amulet doing?

The Amulet is built to trick people. I'm just going to assume for the moment that I can write a backstory for it, so... I think it was made in a darker age milliania ago to protect people. Back in those days, the spells needed to make being independently capable of thought was new, and Sci-Fi hadn't been invented yet so nopony thought about the implications. The Amulet is designed to enhance both it's wearers power and intellect, otherwise they wouldn't know how to cast high level spells. It was created to ensure that the land was always protected, but poor wording meant that it would do anything to ensure that it had a bearer, leading it to becoming the tempter. Slowly, as it was worn by more and more ponies, that spell/program mutated until it began to start to become self-aware.

Before, it didn't need to understand what exactly it was doing. It used other ponies imaginations to do the hard work. It prompted the other mind to think of a stressful situation, and when the emotions were at their peak, it offered a way out. All the hard work was done by the sapient mind. Slowly, it began to learn how other ponies thought, and it's temptation programming became more and more sophisticated.

Now we get to Rainbow's chapter. It has realized that it's ordinary paramaters are not sufficient, and so it decides to attempt something new. It still doesn't think of it's self as sapient, and would deny it strenuously if asked. This is why it blames other ponies for the whole "mad-with-power" thing.

However, it is a sapient being. it has learned feelings and emotions by emotionally torturing others for countless centuries, and that's screwed it up just a tiny bit. It's forced itself to become sapient through sheer determination. It's an amazing, beautiful creation that needs help, that deserves to live, but it'll try to break anypony that could help, so it must be destroyed.

I am so proud of this idea.

I know this is a long shot, but how many hoops would I have to jump through to get a Doctor Whooves chapter?

5989330 Moosetasm is handling the Dr. Whooves chapter.

I replied to the other stuff in your thread.

5989562
Moosetasm is handling the Dr. Whooves chapter.

5989562
Oka,y I can't think of anything else to add to this chapter. I'll start work proper on Pinkie's after work.

5980492Is this chapter ready for posting, or do you need any additional comments/editing?

6143037
Yeah, it's ready.

do you need any additional comments/editing?

There's a paragragh where the Amulet glitches when it appears as Ditzy taking to Rainbow, but I think it's pretty clear what's happening. I'm only mentioning it because I added it after you checked it.

6143037
Okay, my next attempt at the finale is done whenever you get a change. The ending is from the original version, it probably needs a lot of editing, but I need to go to work now and I can do more tomorrow.

5980492 This chapter is now posted. I made a few minor edits for typos/missing words, but otherwise it's unchanged from what was in the GDoc.

I think the part mentioned here 6143413 works alright. It was a little hard to visualize, but I suppose that's the point?