Guarded Emotions by Alabenson

Guarded Emotions is a story that, I think, has a lot of things going for it. It has an interesting original character by the name of Moonwhisper who is trying to bury the past and move on. And Twilight and friends, who see the effects it’s had on his life and the reticence when it comes to his emotions, take it upon themselves to change his views on his needs, or lack thereof, in the name of friendship.

Before I dig into some of the areas where the story could be improved, I want to focus on the positive aspects behind it. The first is that the grammar itself seems to be well done for the most part. There are a few missed words here and there and misspellings which are noticeable, but I didn’t spot any egregious awkward phrases to strain one’s reading experience. A quick edit will shore up most of those little errors. (For examples, you can find Lemon Heats instead of Lemon Hearts, meaning patrol instead of morning patrol, barley instead of barely) Across the 60k story, it did pose as a small detractor for me, but they weren’t sufficiently high in volume to overshadow the natural flow and pacing this story has to offer with regards to its mechanics.

Another major aspect about it that I liked is the thematic concept and the romantic bond between Moonwhisper and Twilight Sparkle. This is a story that is very much about turning around Moonwhisper’s perspective, showing him there’s more to life than going through the motions or self-sacrifice. And the romantic attachment involved, while I was hesitant to accept when it first started, actually became one of the contributing factors in engaging my attention through to the end.

There wasn’t anything there to shake my perceptions of its authenticity. In fact, it actually did a good job at showing why Twilight ended up being different from the other mares who already tried to acquire his affections and failed. Twilight went above and beyond anything the others did by trying to help him forge an emotional bond with others. The romance also didn’t happen overnight; there was a blur between friendship and romance when Twilight first noticed her feelings for him. There are a couple of aspects about it that I believe could have been done better about it as well, but I will get more into that later.

There are a couple of other factors which I would like to discuss first, however, that keep me from fully enjoying this work. When Moonwhisper was first introduced, his character archetype was that of a quiet, respectable stallion who was detached from others emotionally. I found his development to be fairly sound, as he didn’t come across as emotionally devoid as my description might suggest.

I’d read one chapter with alternating scenes between him becoming associated with each of the Mane 6 and him playing chess with Twilight. I get the sense in each scene that it shows how his presence positively impacting their lives in some small ways. Then in have the next chapter, we start digging a little deeper into why Moonwhisper isn’t open to experiencing friendship. The mares look into the colleagues he’s had, or his dwelling is intruded upon… Again in the next chapter, we start looking into his past, seeing his days in the academy, or out in battle, or with his edgily written father.

By this point this point, a pattern has formed in the narrative which caused it to seem like it’s dragging on longer than it really does. Every chapter during this period of the story is entirely devoted to Moonwhisper. Even when he’s not in the scene, no one can stop talking about him. It’s like everypony is being pulled on a string or if it’s not about him it’s not relevant.

This isn’t exactly a rare issue that can crop up in a story about recovery. There are a number of feel-bad stories out there where a character’s depressive feelings just dominate the story to the detriment of just about every other aspect. I think what I might find most disappointing here is that there’s not that difficult of a fix to make because of all the charming aspects that already exist in this story.

The way I see it now, we have Moonwhisper-centric chapters encoded into Mane 6 interactions in the early chapters. If we change the focus to Mane 6-centric chapters encoded with Moonwhisper’s inclusion, we get to see more of other things they’re doing interspersed with this complex problem of getting Moonwhisper to open up.

Remember when I said there were ways to improve the romance? There was a point where the girls pointed out to Twilight that all she had been thinking about lately was Moonwhisper. She hadn’t yet realized her feelings for him, but they could see it plain as day. With the majority of the attention on Moonwhisper during this time, it makes it a little challenging for us to see that development as it occurs as well.

The steps of progression toward discovering his problem and how to overcome it seem fine, but this change of perspective gives us more time to receive developments regarding his past in bite-sized chunks across a longer, more slice-of-life experience. This also opens up the possibility of fleshing out Moonwhisper’s father, who I think is by far the largest detractor this story has.

There are times where the characters’ dialogue truly feels authentic to their characterization. And those moments where something inconsequential is said or their reactions to it are where it really speaks to the heart of who these characters are and why we adore them.

“Wait, dreamwalking? You mean like going into other ponies’ dreams and stuff?” Spike asked in a panicked tone. “You haven’t looked into any of my dreams, have you? Because I don’t mean to dream any of that stuff, it just happens. And besides, I don’t even like butterscotch pudding.”

“And on that note I think I’m going to call it a night.” Twilight said as she excused herself from the table.

“There’s some horrible disaster coming, isn’t there?” Spike wailed in horror. “What is it, Twilight, tell me! Did some monster escape from Tartarus? Is Chrysalis back already for revenge for what happened with Thorax and the other changelings? Or-”

Moonwhisper has had his own fair share of moments as well, which is what makes him such a likable character. When he finally overcomes his defeatist mentality, the result is a satisfying experience. His stance, while inherently flawed, are accurate for someone who has gone through what he has. And even though he despises everyone’s insistence to make him see that there is another way, he still appreciates the sentimentality behind it.

There is a lot that I adore about this story. I like Moonwhisper. I enjoy how his growth is handled in the last act of the story. I can see Twilight and he being together; I even found it funny that Moonwhisper and Shining Armor had always been the same rank in the Royal Guard, comrades in arms for most of it, and then both became romantically involved with princesses.

There are a lot of other little questionable design decisions that could be dissected, like why Twilight’s Canterlot friends had nothing better to do than follow her to speak with Sharpshooter and Silverstreak (spoiler, they weren’t impactful on the scene at all.), but the main issue I had with it is what keeps me from accepting this story into the Cafe.

Verdict: Reject (6/10)