Greetings you pitiful worms of daylight. It is I your majestic ruler of darkness Radifus the Basilisk. Well after my glorious escape from the evil clutches of your beloved Lunar lapdog colonel Nightstorm I decided to do my own review and hack his site to post it muahahaha

*crickets chirp*

Yeah I know it’s not that evil, but I am still doing it so stick that up your stocking.

Anyway today I have a movie that will change your life (for worse or better). This is a little 2010 gem known as ‘The house that dripped blood on Alex’. Brace yourselves folks

Created by a sketch group, Studio8, the short is a fourteen minute long 'horror' comedy starring the one and only Tommy Wisseau.

Now if that name sounds familiar it’s probably because you may have heard of his other masterpiece ‘The Room’, one of the best horrible movies ever created.

The reason why I will never review it is because everypony, everybody and everygriffon (and possibly a few unidentifiable beings) and their mothers have done a review of this thing and I’d just be repeating their opinions like a bucking parrot.

But do not fear my bad movie enthusiasts!

This short flick has managed to do everything “The Room” did but ten times worse. So without further ado I present to you “The house that dripped blood on Alex”. Enjoy!

As the movie begins we hear the most ominous music being played as the scariest thing imaginable appears on screen. RED TEXT!
*takes off glasses that appeared just for this OTT dramatic reaction*

Sweet Leviathan! The text is shaking now! That’s how you know the movie is going to be ultra super scary for really reals. What is this diabolical movie going to throw at us next?

*hears calm music while a girl eats popcorn*


Pfftt! *laughs uncontrollably while hitting his head on the table* No way did that just happen! HA HA HA HA! You cannot do that movie! It’s just too silly HA HA HA HA!

*calms down*

Nightmare Moon: Calm down you pathetic ingrate! Take deep breaths! Inhale, exhale!

Okay I think I am good now. Thank you

And she's gone now!

Have you noticed how many times she has dropped in here? It’s getting ridiculous! Anyway, on with the review!

We follow the popcorn eater's hand as it appears to be just some girltalking to her friend (who looks so much like her that I could have sworn they were from the same pond). The two are apparently discussing a super scary movie that will be playing soon as the camera pans out to show the one, the only unidentifiable alien being: Tommy Wisseau.

*hears Wisseau fangirls scream. Yes they exist! No for real, they exist. Stop laughing at me!*

Wow the years were not kind to him. Seriously his face seems to be falling apart faster than Ponyville after the Parasprite infestation. It’s almost weirder than his acting.

*Hears his voice*

Oh sweet Leviathan what is wrong with his voice?! It got even worse through the seven years. He sounds like he ate a meal of cottonballs and marshmallows and is trying to mimic this thing called hu-man speech. Wow, I am going to have a field day with this one.

Anyway Cottonmouth tells the girls he will frighten them with a scawyyy story (while I try not to spill my bug juice out my nostrils because Tommy managed to annunciate worse than a Chinese stereotype).

And we get our first dumb line of the movie (it took them only a minute by the way, but that’s to be expected from a Wisseau camp).

“I am going to tell you a story about a man who is like myself. A man who is myself”

So a man who is like yourself is in fact yourself.

*ponders about the line* 2 hours later

… and if x is y then the secret of Universe must be….

*snaps out of it*

Sorry I was just trying to solve the mystery of why that line is basically the concentration of stupid, but I just couldn’t. It’s like the dumbest Zen riddle ever created. That has to be a talent of some sort.

The music tries to be ominous but I just laugh at its pitiful attempt because it is an effortless task when you have Tommy boy here. It’s like that foal Sisyphus who pushes the rock uphill only to have it tumbling down. It just doesn’t work.

To the movie’s credit the girls give the most appropriate reaction every person would when Tommy would start talking to them. They just wave their hands and roll their eyes. I like these two so I’ll give them a nice little nickname.

Okay clone #1 is: Buck-it Betty and the clone #2 will be: Paycheck Peggy. I am sure they are honored.

Anyway, the weird alien being (also known as Alex) tells the girls about moving into a very old house; a house so old that it could be older than time itself. Now how the buck does that work? This is the Wisseau zone!No questions damn it!

Also this house in on Three Blood Street…


(I couldn't have expressed myself better)

There are so many things wrong with the name of this street that I am going to rant about it.

First of: Blood Street? Really? Is that a part of Heart city or is that the one close to Artery Avenue?

Second: You choose to live on Blood Street and expect nothing weird to happen? That’s like going to Sugarcube Corner and being surprised they sell sweets! IT’S IN THE BUCKING NAME!

And third: Why do you have a terrible Transylvanian accent when saying the word ‘blood’? He sounds like a bad mixture of Count Chocula and that Counting Count. Man you suck. The story has barely begun and I already have enough material to rant about for years. This is going to be one heck of a ride.

So the story FINALLY begins with a guy who I think is trying to be a worse actor than Mr. Wisseau himself. The only difference: I think he is trying to be as bad as possible. Trust me the Wisseau charm is not to be duplicated. Leave the bad acting to the professional, kid!

Also the guy is giving a wider evil grin than Discord ever could so you know his deals are too legit to quit. No red flags here, no sir!

Also, a minor nitpick, Tommy says the word ‘pen’ the same as ‘pan’ so I thought he was actually insane enough to fry the deal. Go ahead and tell me he wouldn’t do that (wouldn’t be the first weird thing this guy did. Let’s not forget that he is best known for The Room).

And then the unthinkable happens: the man gives him red ink.

Dun dun dunnn (didn’t think I’d be using this gag so recently).

Well even Alex isn’t as thick as I thought, because even he notices the extremely dumb name of the Street. So how does the man convince Tommy to take the house? Well just read it:

“It’s pronounced Blud Street. No matter what anyone else says, no matter what strange red liquids you find there. It is Blud Street”

And Tommy’s response to this terrible explanation is saying ‘What a nice pen. ( The ‘pen’ is obviously just a quill, but Tommy doesn't know the difference)’ and ‘The inks looks like ketchup. I like ketchup very much’.

This proves it! Tommy is an alien being that was implanted on Earth to research the human civilization (and coming from a talking serpent who lives in the land of unicorns, pegasi and other weird things, that’s saying a lot).

*hears incoherent mumbles coming from the movie*

Okay what the buck?! There’s slurring your lines and then there’s doing whatever Tommy is doing here. I cannot understand anything he is saying!

So, the totally normal guy acts a bit too nervous around Alex, as I realize that this whole thing was probably just one big joke. On whom you ask.
I think it is on the audience mostly.

Here’s the scene in its entirety: Tommy acts like an alien while the TotallyNormalGuy acts nervous around him. Scene done in one sentence!

As Alex signs the paper the TotallyNormalGuy gives a stereotypical evil laugh.

Yeesh is that how I sound when I laugh? Yikes!

So Alex finally gets away from the TotallyNormalGuy and moves into the house. And it drips blood on him. Cue the X Files theme, because we’ve got a mystery on our hands.

As he moves in, John- I mean Alex is joined by Mar- I mean Thomas (seriously they are just Johnny and Mark from The Room) who seems to be bloodproof. You see this is the movie’s subtle way of saying it might be very important. That is if you spelled subtle like this:

SUBTLE.

And we have our second stupid line uttered by Alex.

“Funny story, when I was a little girl (…)”

This line is either meant to be funny, which it kind of fails at, or it’s meant to be serious which would explain way too much so I don’t even want to touch that can of worms with a ten foot pole.

And we have another dumb line uttered by Markomas.

“Kawabunga dude”

This isn’t funny because of two reasons: this was written in 2010 and second even in the nineties this was dumb. Kudos on making a worse nineties reference than old Gilda (new Gilda seems to be better).

Alex tries to explain some story about the house as the camera spins around and around. Wow the camera work is almost as bad as in that other movie.

*flashback*

The horror… The horror…

*hears Alex talking*

Pfftt hahahaha. Okay that snapped me out. I’m better now.

Also Alex has a weird obsession to call his friend by first name. This is in no way related to the fact they want you to remember his name. Or maybe Tommy has to say it so many so he doesn’t forget. I’ll go with the latter.

So the two go inside the shady doors of the landlord (or landlawd as Alex keeps calling him) and *stops for dramatic tension* it is abandoned.

*plays Spooky Scary Skeletons*

It seems Alex drew the short end of the stick on this super legit deal. If only the sales guy said he was ripping him off. Perhaps then he would have seen the light (but probably wouldn’t, because Alex is what I would call a moron).

Also Thomas seems to be only one with half a brain here. He is almost a likable character. Yes the guy whose most quotable line is ‘Kawabunga dude’ is making the most sense here. That’s how you know you are dealing with a perfect mess storm.

That night Tommy seems to be suffering a nightmare. And there’s no Luna in sight! So scary.

It tries to be ‘disturbing’, but it is just not happening. Like at all. Mainly because Tommy’s screaming here is the same as in the end of The Room. It just takes me out of the entire ‘mood’ of this scene (not to mention that the scene is extremely cliché ).

Tommy wakes up and walks down to his friends who were talking about the ‘red leak’ in his house. Also a new dumb line approaches (and it’s from Markomas no less).

“Don’t tell Alex his house is dripping blood on him”

Because, as we all know, blood is very inconspicuous. It’s not like it has a specific dexterity, color and properties that you can easily notice. No sir!

Tommy’s friends try to convince him there be blood in these parts here, but Tommy is as thick as Snowflakes’ biceps so he ignores them, until Markomas suggest they go and solve this mystery by going to the attic. The three stooges (Alex, Markomas and a random guy called Bobby) go up in the attic.

And now ladies, gentleman, fillies and gentlecolts and others, put your hooves, claws, talons and whatever else you have for the absolute dumbest line in the movie (and considering the competition that’s saying something):

Markomas “Are you sure you want to do this, Alex?”

*silence rules for two minutes. The Basilisk prepares to blow. Hit the deck!”

ARE YOU BUCKING KIDDING ME????!?!!??!?! YOU STUPID MOUTHBREATHER! YOU WERE THE ONE THAT SUGGESTED GOING TO THIS ATTIC!!! YOU TWO ARE MAKING SNIPS AND SNAILS SEEMS LIKE EINSTEIN AND TESLA!

*calms down*

Wow all of respect I had for this guy just went flying out of the window. That has to be some kind of a record. Buck!

So Tommy goes up the attic to finally see what this blood thing is all about. And *dramatic pause* it’s him.

WHAT?! How does that work? DOES NOT COMPUTE! DOES NOT COMPUTE!

*We are suffering a mental breakdown due to the overwhelming stupidity of the twist ending. Please stand by*

Okay I’m calm now let’s end this. The girls watch a preview of the movie I just had to suffer through and scream when they discover Tommy’s decaying body besides them. Personally he looks better this way, but hey to each his own.

So that was ‘The house that dripped blood on Alex”. How does it hold up?

Well if you are a bad movie buff like me you are going to love this movie. I know I complained and raged about it but honestly I had a lot of fun watching it (which is more than I can say for our previous feature).

Tommy’s acting is on par with The Room if not even worse and it seems like at least someone on the production team was in on the joke and tried to make this movie as bad as humanly possible. It is a bad movie, horrible even.

The plot is nonsensical, the characters are just either typical or weird (they could actually be the most complex characters I had to deal with so far) and it all plays like a big parody of movies without any punchline.

The main selling point was Tommy and he delivers his role just as we wanted (which is more than I can say for Lockjaw). If you have the time check it out. It is fourteen minutes of pure laughter and dumb fun.

Well that’s all of my time for today. See y'all next time and remember kiddies:

VIVA LA NIGHTMARE REVOLUTION!