Greetings you pitiful worms of daylight. It is I your master of darkness Radifus the Basilisk.

Well you are probably wondering what am I doing here. Well after my ahem less than favorable defeat at Underworld’s gates, colonel Nightstorm thought it’d be a funny idea to torture me by making me do a review of a terrible movie. Naturally I laughed at his face.

I have seen what you humans like to call ‘bad movies’. I have seen your ‘Room’ , ‘Birdemic’ and ‘Manos the hands of fate’ so I am quite prepared.
*watches movie*

Nope nope nope so much nope. Buck this movie I am going back to Tartarus!

Colonel Nighstorm: Hey! Get back here!

*loud sounds of scuffling*

Basilisk: You can’t do this to me! I know my rights!

*scuffling ends*

*Colonel Nightstorm ties down the Basilisk*

Nightstorm: Now review this movie or else you’re going to the dungeon!

Basilisk: Urgh, fine.

Well as you could have tell by that little fiasco back there I am not too excited for this movie to say the least. Seriously what kind of a free thinking creature could have put this out and expects to gain money from it. I don’t know but let’s dive in this putrid festering mess anyways. Pray for my sanity kiddies

Before we start I’d like to mention that this abomination had two writers and two directors. Yeah so it appears we have four imbeciles who thought that this movie was a good idea. Congrats morons!

Also I am using the word ‘writers’ very loosely here (because even newborn fillies can write a better story then this one).

We begin our sto (no I can’t call it that), I mean our plo (no that’s still too positive). Okay the pictures start moving on the screen as we see our main nuisances driving around the area known as ‘the eyes’ (you thought the title had a deeper meaning didn’t ya? This movie is not built for depth! )

Well I say we see them but half the damn shots are in such low resolution and shot horribly that I can’t make heads or tails of any of it! Seriously they just stuck three cameras in a car and boom! Instant movie!

That’s a good filmmaking.

Anyway the five twits are bantering about how they are lost. And then they banter some more. And then they yell! Oh joy of joys

Plus all of the five girls in this vehicle are the same horror movie cliché: they are all the dumb and annoying one. The first scene we see them in is the following; they are lost and cannot go back because they might be late so they decide to ride down an unknown road! Honestly can somepony just give them the Darwin award right now cuz these five definitely deserve it! Oh and this is but a tip of the iceberg.

One more thing I forgot to mention about the cinematography; the shots are shakier than Pinkie Pie on a sugar high! Seriously is there a freaking earthquake happening? And if there is then WHY DOESN’T IT KILL THE UNLIKEABLE FIVE HERE!

But yeah back to the umm… things happening on the screen, as our unlikeable characters keep yammering the night away.

You know how in certain horror movies there are five minutes of certain characters nopony could give two flying bucks about if they die or not. Well this movie decided to give those people their own stories. I guess annoying clucking cardboards are creatures too. Too bad they are not good characters. Or interesting. Or even tolerable for that matter…

Also one of the dumb chickens (if you make that Scootaloo joke I will throw you to the rivers of Phlegaton itself I promise you!) says the most brilliant line ever “We’re just going down this road to see where it ends”

BUCKING GENIUS!!!

And it only gets worse from here on.

The five stooges pull into a corner store now to ask for directions. Wow, first semi reasonable idea. Twilight would be proud. Sadly it only keeps going downhill from here.

Four girls get into the car while one girl stays out and as she tries to get in the other four dumbbells try to drive away. Wow! That is incredibly malicious even for a prank. Good on ya movie!

And guess what? The morons manage to hit a car while pulling this prank off. What significance does this have on the story? I’ll get back to you on that one.

P.s. The idiot driving the car didn’t notice she hit. Sweet Leviathan what is wrong with these morons?! They are dumber than the morons from Lockjaw!

As they drive off the moronic plague continues to assault my ears as the idiots keep whining about how ‘they hit a car’ and ‘should they go back?’ Hey here’s an idea; have them do something of interest! Could ya do that movie? Please

Oh and another dumb line “Well at least you got your first hit and run out of the way’

Remember fillies and gentlecolts; if you have your driver’s license you better do that whole pesky hit and run out of the way. Otherwise you are just not cool! (This message brought to you by the Equestrian Bad Driver’s Council Why in Luna's and Celestia's good name do we even exist?)

So finally the moron squad thinks ‘oh maybe we should go the way we came’. But things are not as they seem as an evil driver seems to be following them and blocking their path to freedom. Wait a minute
*pulls out a DVD for Duel*




Go die in a ditch movie!

Oh and the vehicle is the same as the one they bumped into (cue Rainbow Dash saying Dum Dum Dumm!).

As it follows them they star to WHINE again! Seriously I live with bucking ponies and I don’t hear them whine as much as I hear these idiots. Somepony better get me some earplugs! Please!

Also the blonde idiot cannot pronounce disemboweled!

*hears crickets chirping*

Moving on, they turn on a dirt road (because they be smart and they be thinking goodly) as they continue to scream. Hearing their voice is like combining nails on chalkboard, badly playing the violin and a cat puking out a hairball. It’s making my ears bleed!

Well the moving pictures seem to be gaining some order as the five idiots get trapped by a deranged woman with a shotgun. Oh please go where this is going

The woman yells at them like a deranged lunatic as the five idiots exited in the most annoying way possible; by screaming their lungs out. Whoopee! Fun party time…

Pinkie Pie: Did somepony say party?

Basilisk: It was a joke Pinkie!

Pinkie: Aww *her mane deflates a bit as she trots out*

Nightstorm: How did she… Nevermind that! Continue the review.

Basilisk: Ahhh! Fine (I preferred that kooky pony but I guess we can’t get what we want).

So she yells at one of the girls that she destroyed her family. How did she do that? Well I am glad you asked because... hey look a butterfly.

She demands them to take off their clothes because the movie has no direction that’s why. And now we go into the gross out portion of the movie.

The insane woman chases them again as one of the girls oh so cleverly goes Banana Joe on us and *sighs* she, how do I say this gracefully? She makes a doo doo in her hands and flings it monkey style at the oncoming vehicle. Excuse me.

*Starts bashing his head on the table*

Get out of there!

And as the girl wipes her disgusting doing one of the girls svomits (sneezes and vomits into her hands). Apparently the movie is using Hostel techniques by replacing all semblance of plot with gross out. Hey we should ask Family Guy to take the writers of this movie under their wing. They’d fit right in.

As they continue to be chased one of the girls spills the urn of her father (which was there because; potatoes).

This leads to more whining and the crazy woman gets out of her car only to get knocked down.

One of the girls wants to run her over, but the car don’t work no more so they cover it up and proceed to search the surrounding area. The two girls that remained in the car open up a dumb conversation about ashes.

You see this is important because it helps us to see that the movie truly does hate human intelligence and wants to see it die a slow and painful death.

So the crazy lady gets up and chases the morons into the woods as the camera sits still in the car. Oh please just rest there. It’s not like something is happening.

HEY IDIOT! THE POINT OF INTEREST IS NOT IN THE CAR! IT'S OUTSIDE!

I know they had a budget of rocks and chewing gum wraps but at least attempt to look professional.

One does return (eventually) to waste Band-Aids and our time as the camera… goes out of focus. Let’s see why yes it’s that time again

*flips a table*

ACT LIKE A MOTHERBUCKING PROFESSIONAL YOU PUTRID WASTE OF EXISTENCE!

Sorry that one got out of me.

Btw we get to see that beauty of her doing nothing for four minutes. FOUR MINUTES! Argh!

So the crazy woman tortures one of the girls (I think it’s not like I could see anyway), takes one of them and drives of. Why? I’d like to use one of Trixie’s quotes from Turnabout Storm ‘Her motifs are irrelevant!”(this seems to be the movie’s motto). Thank you.

Also one of them (the one that was tortured that is) pulls out a screwdriver out of her ahem *whispers* private parts. Yup it’s official! This movie is a hostel rip off. Congrats idiots! You remind of one of the worst movies I had the dishonor of seeing! And to all of you who want to defend that movie; buck you

Also the crazy woman drives around with dead bodies.

I remember a reviewer, The Fiery Joker. who kept saying ‘it’s Pinkie Pie don’t question it”. Well I am enforcing that rule from this very moment for this movie! Everything that happens from now on I won’t question it. It will save me some sanity at least.

They recognize one of the dead girls and engage in pointless banter. You know; my favorite type!

So through some unrecognizable stuff happening on the screen the crazy woman gets hit by their car and one of the twits gets blood in her eye hole.

Another twit gets shot but the crazy girl gets hit by a crowbar (very gently) and so they make their escape. Also remember that missing girl? Well she is back now. Yup. That’s resolved. Because it was such a big issue

Also third dumb line “If you go out there she’ll get you. If she gets you she’ll kill you. And if she kills you you’re dead”

Am I watching a really poorly done parody? Because it feels like a bad parody of a horror movie!

P.s. judging by the voice all of the dumb lines are said by the SAME BUCKING CHARACTER! Being bad in this movie is to be expected, but being this bad is horrible.

So finally they kill the crazy woman and burn her.

They manage to turn around and get to right where they started and see that the crazy woman killed all the people in the store. And all five survive as our ears are insulted by what I can only describe as K-pop version of a sugar high Pinkie Pie downing a wheelbarrow of pixie sticks while being played by that stupid keyboard cat. It’s more unbearable than the worst song of gen 3 of MLP. Oh yeah I went there.

So that was’ Five across the eyes’ and wow what an appropriate title (because it really made me jab five of my horns into my ears). This movie has to be some sort of legal torture. It is the worst kind of bad; the annoying kind.

The characters are either bland or annoying and you just wish for them to stuff it or at least die in some brutal way (which never happens). The plot is nonexistent as things just happen on screen and the camera work is so bad that it would make Ed Wood blush.

In short the movie is not even the enjoyable kind of bad and it should be tossed to the deepest bowls of Tartarus to and used only as Cerberus’ chew toy.

Nightstorm: Okay I think that's enough punishment for today. Now back to your cell!

Basilisk: I don't think so.

*summons a dark fog*

Nightstorm: What the-?

I am Radifus the Basilisk and until next time remember: VIVA LA NIGHTMARE REVOLUTION!

*slithers away from the unsuspecting guards*