so i have finished chapter one.
sorry for the delays and anything but real life comes first.
Im in schools still and have things going on as wellas a side note im making a mlp plafomer game anyone that want to test it out the link is here: https://www.dropbox.com/s/sttn2pfzjcg0s82/mlp%20plaformer.exe?dl=0

AND the link to chapter one is here https://docs.google.com/document/d/16d1AgeRtTQJBmnd8pp1LT_vW4exEFD9tIlHf5HAaGHw/edit?usp=docs_home

Okay, copied it into the folder for things here. Two things I noticed out the gate with this, firstly you've used first person point of view, but you're using 'I' a lot as a sentence starter, from what I've read, that's considered a bad thing (show vs tell). Secondly, you're still not capitalising names properly, place names such as Ponyville, Canterlot and Everfree should be capitalised, same as people's names. Let me see if I can give a couple of exemplar scenes using the same character but from different points of view to see if I can show more of how things probably should look.

Third Person - past tense:

Another day, another trip to Ponyville. She sighed as she wrapped herself up in the cloak. It was annoying as hay to live so far away from the place, particularly with all the monsters and such around, but ponies would still shun her if they caught sight of her. Well, maybe not that purple one that lived in the forest or the zebra, but most of the rest would. Better to stay away from the looks.

The trip out didn't take that long overall, even with her stuck on the ground and not able to spread her wings, which was annoying, but she had a lot of practice at dealing with it. The interesting thing came near the edge. Four manticore corpses, ones that seemed to have been butchered for something. Her eyes narrowed as she paused on the edge of the clearing holding them, ears flicking around. Fresh corpses in the Everfree didn't stay around long, so what had killed these and was it nearby?

Edging into the clearing slowly, she sniffed the air, wrinkling her snout at the smell of rot starting to set in along with blood. Moving up to the nearest, she looked it over, frowning. Something had burned holes in its side, large ones, nearly as big as a foal's hoof, the skin at the edges blackened similar to one critter she had seen after it had been hit by lightning.

A turquoise hoof prodded the thing, feeling its coolness when the frog came into contact with dead flesh. Swallowing hard, she quickly backed out of the clearing, not wanting to stick around. Quickly getting herself to the road leading into the town, she ended up pausing again at the sight of another corpse, this one much older than the manticores. Golden eyes narrowed slightly as her wings shivered. Even from where she was, she could tell that thing wasn't natural, meaning something made sure it wasn't just dead, but beyond it.

Shivering again, she edged around the undead thing lying on the edge of the road, heading for the town itself. Hopefully they would have some that poison lizard-cow thing available somewhere, if she could afford it. Damn stuff was expensive.

She huffed out a sigh thinking about her finances, or rather her lack of them. It had been the best part of ten years since she had been caught up in those storms and whatever else had been going on and ended up as she was now. In that time she hadn't found anything that really got her money, not anything permanent. She could get hold of some money by trading bits and pieces, something that the zebra had encouraged her to do, but it didn't get much more often than not.

First person - present tense:

Old, torn and dirty, those were the good points of the faded brown cloak I covered myself with, hiding my wings, both pairs of them, my face twisting into a grimace as I remembered why I was doing this, supplies, things that I couldn’t get in the forest, what a pain in the arse. Another glance around the shelter revealed just how much of a mess it was, I probably ought to clean it up when I get back from that Podunk town on the edge of the Everfree, of course that’s assuming I’m in the mood to do anything but hide when I get back. A shiver crawls up my spine as I remember the last time I had gone to town. ‘Beast’, ‘changepony’, ‘creature’, ‘monster’, to think at one point I revelled in the attention of others, pushing myself to my limits and beyond in order to show them up, show them what speed meant. Loose strands of my once amber mane whip at the sides of my neck and cheeks as I shake my head. What I wouldn’t give to go back to the days when my worst fear was impressing the Wonderbolts with my speed, now I barely ever fly….

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. I doesn’t do any good and you know it.

A yelp leapt from my throat at the voice, before my ears splayed back against my head. That damn voice again! Every time I hear it, it sounds like there’s somepony standing right next to me talking into my ear, but out here there’s nopony but me. Another chill crawls along my spine, causing my bat-like hind wings to shift under the cloak covering them. Maybe I should see if they can be used like a cloak, it would be better than this rag I’m stuck wearing. Yeah, and maybe I’ll stop hearing voices nopony else can as well. Mane whips my fur again as I shake my head, a soft exhalation stirring the dust on the cave floor. I’m probably going insane out here, but nopony would stand for me being around town, not given how much of a mess I look.

Gathering my courage, I let out a slow breath, stepping out of the cave into the Everfree Forest. It’s funny, every foal knows this place is dangerous as Tartarus, what with the weird plants and creatures, odd weather that pegasi can’t touch and general strangeness of the place, but after those storms, it seems that few places are actually not that way these days. Foals are probably told not to leave safe areas of a town or village, not to not wander through the Everfree. It’s the only place still relatively similar to how it was.

The thought brings my head up, even though I know I won’t be able to see it through the canopy here. Somewhere up there is Cloudsdale, the home of the Wonderbolts, what’s left of them, unfortunately they only take pure pegasi and I’m anything but.

My eyes close against the tears that sting them. I trained there once, had something of a family, but now… I doubt even Miss Loyalty would take in a monster like me. Four wings, slit-pupils in my eyes, scales scattered over my body, two sets of curved fangs and a taste for meat. Even if ponies can eat the stuff, most don’t unless it’s a special diet.

Lifting my legs, I turn towards the nearest town, trying to get my mind off my first, bloody kill, as I remember what I can of the place. Maybe I’ll be able to take advantage of some of the shops, have a real meal for once, not something charboiled to mush or burned black from my attempts at cooking, or raw due to not wanting to cook. Funny, I’ve never been sick from eating things, even animals, raw. Actually I’m sure I should have died from literal poisoning with some of them, certainly some of those marsh frogs have to be poisonous, but whatever I got merged with, it seems it was pretty poison resistant. At least that’s one good thing that came of all this, right?

Another sigh escapes me as I drop my head, ears flattening again. I bucking hate my life.

Notice how I've worked both of those scenes? They're both from the same character's POV, but the second one (which is earlier in the time line) is a lot more stream of consciousness. Actually the original for the 1st person scene was about a third the size done in third person.

On the good side, your writing is a lot better now, much less mind running ahead of hands and them skipping to keep up. Still some misused words or spelling errors, but there's a lot less in there than there was on the first scenes of yours I've seen. I'll probably give them a going over in a bit, clean things up, but you're certainly getting better, and this is in about a month, month and a half.

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Right, edited the stuff you had, or rather rewrote it into third person POV so it matches up with the rest. Most of the stuff is the same, but shifted viewpoint means there are changes to it, notably me having to express things you've written from Twilight's view to someone that's watching her. It's available in the Returning from the Storm folder on Google Docs. Link's in your on-site mail box and in my post above. Let me know if it's viable as stands.