Many thanks to everyone for their hard work and fine attention to detail in editing chapter five. Special thanks to Pen Stroke as well, in suggesting some rather major changes, which seem to have gone off splendidly.

When you've all finished signing off on ch5, it's time to push forward into that final edit of chapter six. It's the longest chapter of the entire story, but it's also one of the best. This, of course, is the major turning point of act one. If there was a fan, you all know what it would be coated with.

But of course, it's never complete until we all take one final look at it. I don't anticipate serious structural changes, but I've already spotted a couple minor wording changes to make.

So jump in when you're ready!

Link

BTW, I forgot to mention before, please, let's keep the discussion only regarding chapter six editing this time. I do use these threads for future reference, and it makes things difficult to have to wade through general discussion in the official editing threads. Thanks.

Reading through this, I'm seeing a fair bit of old prose that could be updated. Some of the dialogue is stilted, in the mid section of the chapter.

Biggest problems I see are some issues with perspective, and also some slow pacing about a third of the way into the chapter where the scouting team is searching for zebras and coming up with nothing. I need to tighten that up. But mostly, it's perspective problems. It needs to be crystal clear who is holding the POV, and there's quite a few places where that's not the case. The reader should be constantly aware of what the POV character is experiencing, feeling, and thinking. It shouldn't just be pseudo-omniscient. My old standard seems to have been "write what the POV character would be able to witness". I didn't really know how to get inside their heads, so I'll be playing around with some rewrites over the next couple months mixed with the effort of drafting new chapters.

As for the good stuff, I do think this chapter's best moments are the first and last scenes. Everything in the opening scenes with Lemondrop, Willow, and Nyx, I'm completely happy with. And the battle is excellent as well. Those probably won't need much, if any editing.

Here are some over arching comments I had on Chapter 6. These were made after doing an initial read, then letting it stew in my brain a bit before glancing over it again when Recon asked for some more feedback than what I left in the doc's comments.

- The first scene is a nice bait and switch for something bad being something innocent. It also, in traditional Fallout style, leads to the first "side quest," as one of the characters, I believe, properly points out.

- Then came the scene that tries to introduce Mint Blossom, but I left a comment in that regard about how that scene is so brief that I feel Mint Blossom's introduction could be worked into the following scene.

- The next few scenes, before they reach Withersberg... meander is the best way I can think to phrase it currently. It is important to take the time to travel with the group. We get introduced to the gators, the group finds the zebra leg, but the groups constant breaking apart and merging is a bit tedious for the reader. I can appreciate that such actions would likely be normal military procedure, but that's a lot of scene breaks for what is a relatively modest walk through the swamps. The group plans and than organizes two separate rendezvous that, from the amount of action, aren't that far apart. Instead of having them meet at the crossroads first, why not just have the single rendezvous at the bridge? Rumble can be a bit tardy in his arrival, as hinted in the existing scenes, and then that can lead them into cut off leg. Nyx can even still make her quip about Nightmare Moon defending the path. Heck, someone might call her a bridge troll if it happens at the bridge. Still, I suppose the point I'm trying to make is that the scene splitting in the walk through the marsh is disrupting the flow in my opinion.

- Rumbles sudden focus on food despite the pressing danger of three-legged zebra's still catches me as a bit odd, so the hunger should be play up... and perhaps the others could comment on how they don't understand how he can have an appetite. or how his hunger seems to be infecting all of them.

- The reveal of the strange circumstances of the doctor's disappearance sets a good amount of mystery into place and bridges the tense moment from when the group discovered the leg.

- The discovery of the zebra camp continues the tensions very well and ups the ante. The use of the warding altar is a smart bit of magic that is appropriately unique to the zebra. The unfortunate timing of the scouts return also adds time pressure for them to get what they want, which is the body for analysis. There definitely seems to be something else going on, something that drove one zebra and the Gatorton doctor to madness. What it is, I don't believe i have enough clues to say. But I can tell you are setting something up.

- The end of the chapter, around the fight scene, uses a lot of perspective switches. I understand their intent. It's not my cup of tea, but I can definitely see the benefit of it as a stylistic choice. The thing that bothers me a bit more about the scene is as follows.

1) Where did the captive come from? From my understanding, the group is on a path that can/should lead back to Gaterton. Gaternon knows there are zebra in the area and the only one that's left the town recently was the doctor. Withersberg knows there are zebra out there and that they've been seen along that particular path. There is a sign warning travels away. So thus I have to wonder where the captive came from? From where was she taken, because it seems the residents of the swamps have been doing their best to circle the wagons. It feels just a bit like a captive situation just for the sake of tension.

2) The balefire egg going off. The group makes a fairly clear argument that the zebra are, likely, going to set the bomb to go off on a timer. The zebra carrying it in the case just started arming it. Nyx interrupted him fairly darn early in whatever process he could have been going through, and I wouldn't think the zebra would want the Balefire Eggs to be so touchy that they would go off briefly after being dropped.

Actually, listing these two things together, I think the final scene would work fine if it was one or the other. That the zebra were going to use the Balefire to cleanse the bodies of their fallen brothers or that they had kidnapped a pony for a blood sacrifice. It's the mixing of the two that make me feel like the scene is... trying to hard to be dramatic. Does that make sense? This also comes when the group, just last chapter, had to fight off two waves of monsters attacking them rather ferociously. With the Fallout setting, fighting is a must and I understand that, but if first two big fights are this high stakes, it's setting a fairly high bar early on.

Still, overall I felt this was a stronger chapter than the original version of #5. The plot is progressing. Side quests are starting. The group is beginning to work on their mission, but we can see already how the plan is going to go horribly off course pretty darn quickly. This is especially true if ponies keep turning into murderous serial killers for no apparent reason.

5402846 My God... I don't think I can do something of that caliber... Twilight would be jealous right now if she were real

5401404 Calling Recon to the reception desk, we got advice from the author himself here, please come forward

5402846 (forgot to tag initially)

Beautiful feedback, thanks, Pen. I'll see if I can clear up some of your curiosities. Some are legitimate missteps on my part, where some are further explained in upcoming chapters.

I'm glad you enjoyed the bait and switch. Ending on a note of tension helps chapter five without having to dive into more action so quickly when six gets going.

The "side quest" comment was one of those moments where I was hoping it wouldn't make people roll their eyes. I'm not actually aiming to mimic Fallout, or even Fo:E in the story's structure, but it did seem like a nice throwback with Daisy tossing in that comment.

Regarding Mint Blossom, I think it's valuable to introduce her in a way that doesn't feel like she was just inserted into the team. Blackberry mentions her at breakfast, and in my original draft, she just shows up on the trail with everyone. So I added that scene where just Nyx and Daisy go to her house. It felt like a good spot to insert a comment about Nyx's appearance and address the issue of how well known should Nyx be, anyway? It also adds a touch of fleshing out to the town itself just from visiting her home. I think what may help is if I cautiously remove any redundant information and maybe add a bit more new stuff to enhance the scene without throwing the story's pacing off track. I'll take a closer look at this after the other issues are dealt with.

With Rumble's desire for snacks, that's actually a built-in character trait he has throughout the story. We see this all the way back to chapter two when his curiosity regarding Flitter's nectar sticks gets the better of him. He produces random snacks, usually muffins, as if by magic, at random times thorough the story. In regards to the scene where they all descend upon the dessert kiosk in Withersberg, they are all pretty hungry after a very long hike through the swamps and having not eaten for probably six hours.

It's a valid point to question why the zebra leg hasn't made anyone lose their appetite, but it's worth noting that it was an hour and fifteen minutes after that when they arrived in town. What I need to do is emphasize that everyone is hungry about the time they enter the town. A bit of banter, perhaps between Rumble, and Windy, who tends to complain too much, would be sufficient. I'm also going to be tightening up that leg of the journey and making it a bit more clear how much time has passed.

The end of the chapter, around the fight scene, uses a lot of perspective switches. I understand their intent. It's not my cup of tea, but I can definitely see the benefit of it as a stylistic choice.

The perspective switching is something I developed at the end of chapter one. Sometimes, I want the "big picture" of a battle, but my story is bound by Third Person Limited perspective. So I can only give one POV at a time. Stories like Past Sins, written in Omniscient perspective, don't have this limitation, but they also suffer from a lack of intimate tension because the narrator knows and sees everything. The scene in your new story with Nyx and the intruder is really a TPL perspective scene, which is why it's so effective.

So I found the solution being to use a delimiter ~…~ to indicate perspective switching within a scene. The Immortal Game also does this, but they insert a graphic of the POV character's cutie mark instead, which is rather creative.

Not all battles need to use this. The first wave in the chimera battle is entirely from Flitter's perspective, and it's quite effective. But that scene didn't really need us to see everything going on. In the chapter six battle, it's really important that the reader follows along with what multiple characters are seeing. It can't be just Nyx because she's engaged in combat with the zebra Elite. Her perspective doesn't provide what Daisy and Rumble are contributing to the fight. And it can't be anyone else, because following what Nyx is doing is important. If I had to cut one, it might be the perspective of the captive pony. It's good to see what she is experiencing, but it's not super necessary.

Maybe switching less often and then backing up in time at the switch would work better. I'm open to ideas for improving the format as long as the reader gets all the information they need.

Where did the captive come from?
...
It feels just a bit like a captive situation just for the sake of tension.

The captive is an important part of the story because of the effect she has on Flitter and especially Nyx. More on that will be apparent in chapters seven and eight. As for where she came from, she's a resident of Withersberg. She's a fisherpony who was out by herself in a nearby fishing spot. When the zebra scout returned after spotting Nyx and company, she rushed back to her unit to tell their leader what she saw. The zebras then decided to capture a pony to be a part of their cleansing ceremony. The zebras already knew where Withersberg was, but they have deliberately left it alone for the reason Daisy hinted at. They didn't want to be discovered, and those ponies weren't their target. But once they wanted a pony to sacrifice, they found someone out by herself and grabbed her for the ritual.

likely, going to set the bomb to go off on a timer.
...
I wouldn't think the zebra would want the Balefire Eggs to be so touchy that they would go off briefly after being dropped.

Hmm, I suppose that might be confusing the way I depicted it. The way this works is that the balefire egg itself has an arming sequence where it charges up and then detonates. It's a singular crystal device with a time delay of maybe thirty seconds. Usually, they are put in launchers and lobbed a fair distance, like a mortar, into a battlefield. The arming sequence is kicked off by the impact of being launched.

But in this case, there was an external timer the zebra was attaching to the balefire egg which would have given them a few minutes to evacuate the area. But Nyx slammed into the zebra hard, arming the device unknowingly. The external timer never got connected, and so the egg went into its charging phase immediately.

the group, just last chapter, had to fight off two waves of monsters

True, and the chimera battle serves three purposes, mostly.

First, it boosts the story's pacing by introducing action. We haven't seen any action since the end of chapter one.

Second, it injures a good portion of the platoon, which provides me with a good excuse for only having a handful come along in chapter six.

Third, it establishes a baseline for Nyx's fighting ability relative to that of ordinary military. The first wave is quite a challenge vs 3 chimeras, where with Nyx's help, the other 5 are relatively little threat. With this baseline established, it gives us an appreciation for her battle with the zebra Elite and the strength of the balefire egg explosion, given what it does to her. The story constantly tries to help the reader track Nyx's ever-changing attributes.

if first two big fights are this high stakes, it's setting a fairly high bar early on.

Indeed, I'm keeping a very close eye on that one, trust me. It's one of the biggest problems with stories like Project Horizons, which set the bar ridiculously high right at the start, and then just keep raising it in order to keep the story interesting.

I've got multiple solutions to this problem. First, the story isn't action-driven. That's probably the biggest point to make about the bar. This story is primarily mystery-driven. Action comes along and interrupts our heroes from time to time, furthering the plot, but never as the story's main driver. The current plan is to raise the bar only five more times before the end.

Second, Nyx's abilities are going to change as the story progresses. The story is actually about Nyx's transformation as an alicorn and how that affects her and her friends. Nyx has a dichotomy, which is the contrast between her desire to be a normal pony, and her desire to save lives. As the story moves along, she will progress in skill and strength, as well as deal with increased internal struggles that threaten to tear her away from what she values the most.

we can see already how the plan is going to go horribly off course pretty darn quickly. This is especially true if ponies keep turning into murderous serial killers for no apparent reason.

Haha! Yes, this is where it begins to get interesting.

5403107
An interesting thing regarding Rumble and the Zebra leg. He might have been shaken by sight of it, and its implications and so sought out something familiar and comforting to sooth his nerves a bit when they got into town.

It would make for an interesting coping mechanism

Alright, everybody... this is the final push for chapter six prior to publishing. I'm reserving the next five weeks to perfect this chapter while hoping it doesn't actually take that long. Better to be ahead of schedule than behind, and all that.

So if everyone could please give the chapter one final (and thorough) pass, that would be great.

5402846
5402906

Just a quick note to everyone that things are very close to wrapping up for chapter six. We publish in two weeks. You're all invited to come in and make one more pass if you're interested.

For the last three weeks, as my free time has permitted, I've been really laying into this chapter, fixing all the long-standing problems with flow and perspective and pacing and whatnot. It's a lot of changes!! This includes rewriting and rearranging large portions of the text as well as making quite a few entirely new paragraphs which flesh out the scenes, giving a much more vivid picture of the environment these characters are in.

Overall, I'm pretty happy with the changes, but as always, I need to know what the team thinks. If you see any further problems, don't hesitate to speak up.

5639293 Mama Mia, these edits...

5640919

Thoughts? (I mean of the chapter as it stands)

5640920 I'm prone to a change in opinions and I could have missed a detail or so upon me reading through so I can't one too certain But! I don't see much need of any more changes right now I think this chapter is looking ready to go! At least, I think so, not so sure on how Pen views this...

A little update for those who aren't in the Discord server:

Chapter six has undergone some massive improvements in the last week or two. This effort will continue until the chapter is ready to publish. The goal is to publish on Christmas.

Additionally, the chapter is being split. No longer will it end at the balefire explosion. It will end just as the scouting team discovers the zebra camp. The reader will not know what they have found, so the chapter will leave them in suspense until chapter 7.

Chapter 7 will be just the four scenes focusing on the zebra camp discovery all the way through the battle to where the bomb goes off. Every other chapter after that will have its number bumped forward. That brings the act one total back up to eighteen plus the prologue.

Not much further to say here. But if you want to come in and see how things are progressing, by all means check it out. I've updated the links in the sticky post so you should be able to find your way around using those.