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Great news! Another chapter is drafted and ready to go. As usual, please examine this for general structure, exposition, plot advancement, characterization and relationships, flow, and all the normal stuff. Let me know if anything jumps out at you as a big problem. Remember too, that this is not the time for a final edit. I'll be moving on with drafting chapter 14 (probably after adding the finishing touches to chapter 5 for publishing) next, provided there's no huge problems here.

This is a nice little chapter, weighing in at only 6200 words, making it fit nicely with the new standard. There's not a lot of tension here, but it seems to flow very nicely and provide some low-key exposition in a few areas. Importantly, it flows from the previous high-tension chapter with all the alicorn revelations to the moment where Dinky joins the team (Yay, Dinky!) and everything that goes with that.

Also important is Dinky's characterization. I've given her a unique character voice which I'm hoping that I am consistent with. She's a little bit like Octavia, but again, Dinky is 21 years old in this story. So while she is refined, she's not that refined. I've also given Derpy a fair bit of dialogue -- enough that her characterization is showing through as well. I've tried to match what she's like in Slice of Life, which is a little difficult, but it's the best we've got to work with. That Derpy, combined with the fact that she's 15 years older and has a grown daughter, should match what I've provided. Let me know what you think on both accounts.

Lastly, Dusty makes a reappearance. He's living with Rose, but of course Rose is not his mother. Let me know if I'm too on-the-nose with that one. I don't want readers quite figuring out who his mother is at this point, but the hints are pretty thick. Also included are the (always) adorable Nyx/child interactions, which I hope you all enjoy.

5337361 , Sorry if any of my on-document comments seemed a bit curt. One of these nights, I'm going to get enough sleep.

5337361
Right! Let's dig in, shall we?
A lot of things have been commented on already so I'll focus on my thoughts and things that stuck out at me as I was reading through it.

I really liked the opening scenes with Nyx and Rumble. Rumble really shone through for me throughout and it really pushed him up into favourite character territory for me. He doesn't understand what his wife is going through but is trying his best to comfort and reassure her, it was a nice moment for him. To me, this really was Rumbles chapter, he didn't do anything spectacular he was just that reassuring presence that Nyx needed.

Rumble was lying on his back, holding up a huge Nitemare Nyx plushie. "I want one of these!" he said with a grin.

instantly pushes him to fav character. Come on Flitter! You're going to have to pull your socks up, Rumbles stealing your spotlight!

Love all the doubt that's going through Nyx's mind at the moment. That diary has really done a number on her, as it should have, her entire world has been turned upside down in an instant. The seed of mistrust towards the Princesses has been planted in Nyx's mind, it might not have much sway yet, but it'll grow over time as her powers develop

Nice work in bringing in the first beginnings of the Enclave. We'll have to build upon this with the later battle scenes and emphasise the Pegasi's role in holding back the Zebra legions.

Onto Dinky. I really like the idea of Luna's inception of Dinky, but I feel her influence should be subtle and build on Dinky's own feelings to gently push her in the desired direction. Dinky, for example, might feel discontent with her work, safe behind the front lines while ponies are dying. She wants to help but has never had the opportunity to contribute, until now that is.

It was great seeing Dusty again, this nicely ties in the events of the first chapter and gives you a great link to Past Sins. That kid's cranking up the diabetes level a few notches every time he shows up You could easily weave some maternal feelings into Nyx for this scene. She's already mentioned wanting to have a foal and Dusty will be surely stirring up all these feelings in her even if its only Flitter that notices.

In regard to Dusty's mother, I'm torn as to how obvious these hints are. It stands out to me because I already know who she is, but this might not raise any flags to a new reader. I don't recall Daisy mentioning that she has a son so it might not be enough for readers to link the two.
A question, when Daisy earned her nickname, where was she living? Perhaps have Dusty mention it as an off-hand comment would be a little clue.

Dusty's comment at the end was a nice touch. It's almost like he's now got two heroes in one, Nyx and Nitemare Nyx

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Mmmm... Great feedback, as always.

Most of this, I'm definitely going to have to act on. The expansion of both Nyx's and Dinky's internal thought process would help. Revealing Nyx's feelings toward Dusty as well as Dinky's feelings toward the dreams and the upcoming partnership are both very much called for. On Nyx's side, since her encounter is at the end of the chapter, it may be worthwhile to have a bit of dialogue between Flitter and Nyx early in the next chapter regarding Dusty. She could start the conversation by making a comment about the feelings she could sense while they were in the room. That way, it wouldn't have to be shoehorned into the end of this chapter.

The Enclave stuff... yeah, I'm very cautious, at this point, in my use of references to the original material, especially MLP episodes or the Fo:E story. References are something which needs to be done with purpose rather than tossed in to make someone either roll their eyes or say "yep he read the original". I'm not entirely sure where to take the Enclave angle, and I really hope I got the details right. Considering where we are in the Great War, I don't actually recall when the pegasi started being separatists. This does, however, seem like a fair place to start. As well as the reasons behind it. Pegasi are the most useful asset Equestria has in the early war before things like power armor and robotics are developed. It stands to reason that they would get sick of dying on the front lines in greater numbers than the other ponies. I can see how this might prompt such a resistance. Coupling this with Dash's established Loyalty virtue, and we have an instant point of tension.

The Inception thing with Luna is tricky. (And speaking of Inception, wouldn't it be grand to have dreams go 20x slower than reality as a way to help Luna do so much work in one night and still be able to get some sleep herself?) It's tricky mostly because if I make it so subtle that Dinky doesn't notice it, then the readers won't notice it either. So the question becomes whether this should be saved for later and merely be a hint of foreshadowing in this chapter or whether to reveal it all at this point.

Saving it for later could turn this instance into decent foreshadowing. Like Dinky could mention that she saw Luna in the dream, but not come to any conclusions about her motives for being there (if she was there deliberately at all). Leaving it as a hint might leave the readers wondering "Why is Dinky really on the team?" The whole scene where everybody is awkward about inviting Dinky to join them was done that way to highlight that this is a really weird choice from all angles. Dinky never would expect to join them, and the rest never expected Dinky to be included either. The way it's supposed to make sense is that Luna is the architect of the whole thing. I'll get more into that in the upcoming "Let's Meet Dinky" thread.

Rumble's role in this chapter... Mmm, yes, I definitely tried hard to flesh out his character more in this chapter. It's great to hear that this bears fruit! He's very hard to define, and his character has developed slowly as I have progressed through the story. Being consistent with him is very important, or he'll fall into the background as a generic supporting character. Much of my vision for Rumble currently comes from my idea of how a husband ought to be. It's been a chance for me to demonstrate that male characters don't have to be mindless dolts or aggressive pricks. Rumble is never "the butt of the joke" for his masculinity, and the story never treats his attitude like a bad thing. Sure, the other characters rib him once in a while, or give him glares or kicks under the table, metaphorically or literally, for the things he says and does. That's all part of the package. Look back to chapter two when Rumble sucks on one of Flitter's nectar sticks. Things like that are supposed to show what this character is like, but I find it really interesting that Rumble has developed very organically in this story. He's one character I never truly had planned out at the start.

Opening up this chapter from Rumble's POV was a fairly bold decision. He's never held POV quite like this before. Even the first paragraph's "this dream sucks" provides insight into how he thinks and reacts to things. He didn't even realize he wasn't dreaming. At times, Rumble can seem simple-minded, but that is so not the case. The things which concern his mind are simply different than what concerns other characters. I'm also trying to portray 'complete adoration' of his wife without it being sappy or feminine. This is important, as I think too few people understand that it is possible for a man to portray those feelings while still maintaining a high degree of masculinity. It is certainly an interesting opportunity to develop a character in that direction.

One thing I have yet to portray with Rumble is 'what really gets to him'. What are his vulnerabilities, and what would it take to break him? I'm sure there will be time for that as the stakes are raised further in the following acts.

Love all the doubt that's going through Nyx's mind at the moment. That diary has really done a number on her, as it should have, her entire world has been turned upside down in an instant. The seed of mistrust towards the Princesses has been planted in Nyx's mind, it might not have much sway yet, but it'll grow over time as her powers develop

This is something I need to tread carefully on. I'm forging new ground with this whole diary angle, as it was not originally a part of the plot. Storm would simply mention that he has read it, and that would be the end of it. Now that Nyx herself has seen the journal, and it has had a distinct effect on her, I need to keep that in mind as I delve on ahead with the story. I don't think it breaks anything, but I could be wrong. Much of Act Two has Nyx being mentored by Luna and Celestia. How well that would work now is a big question.

It serves the story, at this point, to have Nyx doubt the princesses. That's fine because it is a piece of clean misdirection for the reader as they wonder who is right. It takes a whole lot of suspicion off Storm Shadow and may very likely delay the reader's realization that he is the antagonist.

There may also need to be a bit of retcon, as I noticed yesterday that chapter four has Nyx talking about how the sisters have already gone through whatever Nyx is going through. There's a little bit of repetition in Nyx's doubt in ch13 when compared to Nyx's doubt in ch4. I think maybe I need to draw a distinction on exactly what is different about it this time around. Specifically, in ch4 we know that Nyx was worried that "something terrible is coming". She references Luna saying that the fate of the world is at stake. But the key here is that she doesn't know why. She worried that Luna fears she will become some kind of monster, but that is as specific as we get. Now, she has seen the wild alicorn depicted in the journal. She knows that we're now talking about titans, where in ch4, it was very nebulous.

This is part of where I may need you guys to help me keep things straight. It's very hard for me to keep all the different "states of exposition" from the story in my head simultaneously. If you ever notice that I've double-revealed anything, please let me know at once. It also may be worth creating an exposition journal that parallels the story and documents where in the story various important facts are revealed to the reader.

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Opening up this chapter from Rumble's POV was a fairly bold decision. He's never held POV quite like this before. Even the first paragraph's "this dream sucks" provides insight into how he thinks and reacts to things. He didn't even realize he wasn't dreaming. At times, Rumble can seem simple-minded, but that is so not the case. The things which concern his mind are simply different than what concerns other characters. I'm also trying to portray 'complete adoration' of his wife without it being sappy or feminine. This is important, as I think too few people understand that it is possible for a man to portray those feelings while still maintaining a high degree of masculinity. It is certainly an interesting opportunity to develop a character in that direction.

I think you've succeeded in your goal quite nicely

This is something I need to tread carefully on. I'm forging new ground with this whole diary angle, as it was not originally a part of the plot. Storm would simply mention that he has read it, and that would be the end of it. Now that Nyx herself has seen the journal, and it has had a distinct effect on her, I need to keep that in mind as I delve on ahead with the story. I don't think it breaks anything, but I could be wrong. Much of Act Two has Nyx being mentored by Luna and Celestia. How well that would work now is a big question.

I think this could really spice things up! Nyx wants to trust the Princesses but is always wondering what they're keeping from her, while the Princesses, in turn, are afraid of how the stress of the changes is affecting her. Leads to misunderstandings and all builds up to that moment where Nyx actively confronts the Sisters.

References. Yeah, it's easy to overdo them but in this instance, it's justified. A war as bloody as this one will create social tensions, especially in a society that is a union of three very distinct groups of people. It's also nice and subtle. I guess, I was looking at the comments regarding the war itself and was thinking of how to emphasise both the Zebra threat and Equestria's response.

5342786
I was almost thinking of placing a dream sequence at the start of this chapter for Dinky to give a bit of context to Dinky's experiences with Luna in the dreamscape. The problem we have is that it'll throw out the nice flow you develop with the opening scenes with Rumble and Nyx.

With Nyx's feelings towards Dusty, I agree that this can be added onto the next start if the next chapter. It would be a nice opener to have her and Flitter talking about it.

The flow... yes, you just reminded me of why certain edits (though valid) may not work. Anything that disrupts the story's flow is a problem.