Temporary thread, so that I can hit the preview button, as PMs have none for some reason. Disregard this.
AlchemyStudent wants me to critique his story.

I'm going to ignore grammar mistakes and typos (for the most part) and focus on content.

All I could remember on that day was being trapped and I was in need of a way out; feeling as though I was a loathsome creature that needed to die for no real reason.

Really? Did Past Sins ever hint that Nyx felt herself to be loathsome and worthless, needing to die?

the rest of my story and why I am writing down the words of an monster-turned-savior.

Savior?
This tells the reader the plot. If she's going to become some sort of savior in this story, don't let the readers know yet. Show them over the course of the story.

Some rules for narrative:
Don't tell the reader what to think.
Don't tell the reader how to feel.
Don't tell the reader the plot.
Don't tell the reader what they already know.

My name is Nyx Sparkle; at least, this was the name my mother gave me and it best describes my life before I was adopted by Twilight Sparkle. Nothing. Nyx, as in I was nothing

I had to read this a couple times to get the reference. Did Twilight ever refer to Nyx as "nothing"? Wasn't 'Nyx of the Night' a fairy tale story or legend from a storybook of a valiant hero who defended her town against the monsters of the night? Would Nyx really be so self-deprecating that she would consider herself "Nix" (nothing)?

taught me what it was like to live a life free of hate, jealousy, and rage.

Did Past Sins ever depict Nyx as being filled with hate, jealousy and rage? Or are you referring to her former persona of Nightmare Moon? And if so, were those feelings ever personally adopted by Nyx herself to the point where she needed to be "taught" how to have a life free of those feelings?

You probably already know that story though:

Wait, is this a meta-reference? Who is Nyx talking to here?
"Metareference in fiction is jarring to the reader"

my mom had shown me a book that a few writers wrote down about the events

Wait, are you referring to Past Sins itself as "a book" written within Nyx's lifetime inside her universe? Another meta-reference?

Though, I take exemptions about some of those details. I should know... I was there, I lived it

"Exceptions" not "exemptions" Exempt is to be excused from something ordinarily required.

Are you setting up for a deliberate breaking of canon here? Having Nyx tell the reader (via meta-reference) that the book which tells her original official story (which is also a meta-reference) isn't actually accurate??!

Sorry, off-topic

Is she speaking this or writing this? Does she not have an eraser or something? Self-aware, yet uncorrected acknowledged mistakes make one wonder what the purpose is of leaving them in. She is writing a journal of some sort here, no?

I am also, an alicorn and maybe one of the last true ones in existence

Let's pair this with a quote from Chapter two:

Of course they’re alive, it would take a lot to kill an alicorn. I know that for a fact, Celestia and Luna are,” I swallowed hard, not really believing my own words, “alive and in Canterlot.

So does Nyx at this point truly believe they are likely dead or likely alive? And why? At this point, isn't she still in the Library, not having ventured out to discover the horrors of the Wasteland?

as I don’t consider those created ‘things’ to be anything like me at all.

What things? How would Nyx know about Trixie's manufactured alicorns at this point? And from a narrative perspective, would the reader have any idea what she's referring to with this?

Also, ironically, Nyx herself was "created" rather than born.

my aunts moved into greater things in their lives

Aunts? The other five are her aunts? Is the reader aware of this type of regard for her mother's friends?

The first thing that my mother did when the fires of war started was take me away from my dream job and forced me to work with my old friends from the CMC.
She told me that she wanted me to far away from the front lines as possible.

Whoa, time out. Wait, Nyx is an adult at this point, and has an unspecified "dream job", and Twilight forces her out of this job, and into a different job with the CMC? Is not Nyx grown up enough to make her own decisions at this stage? Besides, assuming her "job" is some sort of fighting role, is it not Nyx's sworn duty to be a protector of ponies? cf Past Sins (Judgement). "As long as there is breath in my lungs, I will continue to protect ponies" And Twilight forces her out of this role?!!

So, being the good girl I was, I STUPIDLY obeyed and stayed with my friends. That... was the stupidest mistake me and mom have ever made.

It would be, yes. But would Nyx really ignore her sworn duty she promised Luna, just because Twilight was being overprotective?

Maybe, if I was on the front lines where I belonged... I could’ve ended the war, I could’ve stopped the day the world ended.

I seriously doubt it. But we're not here to talk about my story.

I’ll never forget that day, when the balefire missiles were launched at Canterlot.

So you've established that Nyx was living in Equestria for the thirty years between the events of Past Sins and the balefire missile attack on Canterlot. Okay. So she's effectively forty years old (having started out about the age of ten). Sounds good, but let's see where this leads.

Watching those spells hitting the barrier was like watching javelins hitting an innocent pink turtle.

Wasn't it the pink which killed everypony? The Pink Cloud detonation didn't occur until after the missile strike which was, in fact, a diversion to get Canterlot to raise its shields so the Pink Cloud would remain concentrated. The missiles would not have kept going much after that point, since their purpose was served. After the PC filled Canterlot, the princesses decided to keep the shield up out of fear that releasing it would kill ponies outside the shield and poison the surrounding regions. That's mentioned in Fo:E.

My first thought was to fly up there and see if my mom was alive

Really? Did she expect that plan to work at all?

Twilight had a plan for this.

Did Nyx not know that Twilight had been working at Maripony in recent months about the time of the missile strikes? Granted Maripony was hit too, but still, this is Nyx's perspective here. She doesn't know that.

I felt something pulling at my right leg telling me to get away from there

Did you mean somepony here? At first, it appears like you're referring to an internal struggle Nyx is having, and not an actual pony pulling Nyx away... from "there"?

but the pony activated a spell that made me weak in the knees and unable to stop being taken to the basement of the library and thrown into a spell circle.

That's one hell of a spell to paralyze a forty year old combat alicorn.

How long was I under the sealing spell? I can’t really say, I think it was about 198 years or 200, I am not really positive.

That's astoundingly specific. What led Nyx to this conclusion exactly?

I just know it must have been a while, because after I had woken back up, I saw that the room I was in was covered in dust and cobwebs.

Oh. So she knows it was specifically 198 years because of all the dust and cobwebs. I've got stuff in my garage that must have been sitting there longer than that then.

I remember mom telling me about memory orbs, but I had never seen one before.

So Nyx lived through the entire Zebra War, and never saw a memory orb? Pretty much every major character has created personal memory logs with these devices many years prior to the megaspell detonations.

my mom then ran my hoof-er- I mean her hoof

Another one of those self-aware, yet uncorrected mistakes. Not really a big deal though.

Nyx, my darling little foal

Twilight is about fifty to fifty-five years old at this point. Nyx is thirty, with an effective age of forty.

No, Twilight, don't do this to her, be strong, just continue

Would Twilight really be ok with Nyx seeing her saying this in the recording?

What I do know is, there are ponies out there alive and well

That's quite a speculation, Twilight. Especially after this:

if you are watching this, then the worse has happened. We ended the world in a flash of hellfire.

I also know that there is a world out there for you to see, explore, and be that wonderful little filly that I love.

Has Twilight somehow forgotten Nyx's pledge to Luna? Is Nyx's purpose in life, from Twilight's perspective, to remain an innocent filly?! At forty years old?

I had always just imagined that when that day happens, my firends and I would all be together to watch the end.

typo. (friends)
Ok why, exactly, would Twilight have expected this? When the world is ending does it usually give you time to gather your buddies and pop some popcorn?

Focus Twilight, Focus, Nyx needs you to be strong

Again with this. Twilight might be thinking this but is it plausible that she'd be saying it during the recording to Nyx?

Nyx, there’s a few things I want you to do for me.
In this room, there is a book, I have written down everything I can about how wonderful and great those girls are. I wrote everything about them up until this very moment when I recorded this memory.

Twilight covered thirty two years of friendship with five separate ponies in one book?? Holy cow.
Also... I guess their joint journal project from Season Four didn't make it?

I want you to go, and find out what happened to them.
I want you find out about how each of them... how each... ... of them died.

How macabre. Why exactly would Twilight send Nyx on this mission instead of, oh, I don't know, finding a way to survive the wasteland? Maybe make a difference out there?
Also, what if some of them happened to be vaporized? Would Nyx be searching forever for the answers? How on earth is she going to find Fluttershy?

then want you to write that last part of the story down so that way, the world won’t forget the story of the five greatest mares I have ever known.

But didn't Twilight already write the entire story about these great mares? How exactly does adding "oh and each one of them died horribly" enhance their greatness to some future readers?

Don’t worry about me, I was just a spark. Celestia’s personal student and savior of equestria several-fold. But, in the end, I was worthless

Well now at least we know where Nyx got her self-deprecation from.
Is this plausible? Isn't it a bit out of Twilight's character?

I couldn’t save the mare who like a mother to me

Wait, who is this, now? Who was like a mother to Twilight? Celestia? How does Twilight even know that she died?

I didn’t want the innocent mare to become a killer so I stopped you from doing what you loved

Again, how did she have the power to do this? Nyx was an adult and on her own at that point, doing what she was sworn to do. Did she seriously give it all up just because Mommy was worried?

That’s what the book needs to know, that Twilight Sparkle was a foalish, selfish, mare who failed in being a mother and a friend.

Fuck, me. You can't get much more self-deprecating than that. So she wants a permanent record of how wonderful all her friends were and how worthless she was. Then her friends utterly failed at being friends if they didn't at some point help Twilight out of this state of mind. What future reader is going to buy that? Also, did Twilight seriously expect Nyx to write that detail in?

Please, please, please read this article on the vast difference between humility and self-deprecation.

Second, out there is a suppository of all of the books

Seriously. You gotta fix that typo. A suppository is medicine you jam up your backside.
You meant to say repository.

The book with the map is in your name. Remember, protect it from the monsters.

Monsters? No, seriously what monsters is Twilight referring to here, from her perspective?

I smiled at this riddle, she made it so that only I would get it.

Apparently she did, because I didn't notice any riddle.

After you are done with everything, I want you to go out and live your life. Have fun, find ponies to protect, make friends, live your life as you want, and become the mare that I know you are

This is good. But seriously, isn't sending Nyx on a likely very hazardous mission like learning how her 5 friends died a bit out of balance in terms of priorities for someone just entering the wasteland?

My Nyx, my little girl. I am just sorry that I can’t be there to be with you, to help you live in this new world.

Because Nyx the forty year old alicorn needs her mother's help that badly?

Also, I find it extremely difficult to imagine Twilight of all ponies, being this overprotective, clingy, manipulative, self-focused, obsessive mother to Nyx.

Where in Past Sins, did Twilight ever behave in this way? I mean other than setting normal limits on your ten year old, would she really keep doing this decades later??!

Here's a good article on parents who don't let their kids grow up and why it's considered psychological abuse. Everything I could tell from Past Sins, Twilight was a pretty good mother. Not this...

I looked, I saw cages of of ponies in various states of decay.

This could be nothing, but didn't you say that Nyx showed up two years prior to Littlepip? The library was a raider nest at that point, with raiders living in it and cages of both live and dead ponies if I recall. I wonder if this would have been going on for two years. You describe the scene as if it's pretty much in the exact same state as what Littlepip found two years later.

Also I'm slightly concerned that if Nyx clears the raider nest, does that mean they'll not be there when Littlepip shows up later? Or perhaps a new batch of raiders takes it over. Again this is minor.

I turned my head to look up the stairs, and silently walking, I prayed to Celestia that they didn’t get to my room.

Ok this could be just me, but I was under the impression that the whole "Celestia-is-a-deity" thing was a religion started up within the stables after it was assumed the she died and ascended spiritually or some such thing, and watched over them from... somewhere. The stable ponies prayed to Celestia. But why would Nyx at this stage? Nyx last knew Celestia as a very relatable flesh and blood alicorn. Not a deity.

Opening the box slowly, I was glad to see that no one scavenged it. Then again, it’s all worthless to anypony but me

Another very minor nitpick. If the reason it was not scavenged is that the contents were worthless, wouldn't the box be left opened at least? Or are we talking about the considerate raiders who clean up after themselves after looting?

I lifted up a small kazoo and giggled, remembering how I had won it; it was one of my favorite memories.

This nitpick isn't about this particular quote, but just watching out for a trend... Here we begin to see hints that Nyx hasn't grown up at all. It feels like Nyx was preserved as a child. Now, I understand nostalgia and so far, there's nothing to complain about in this department. Just something small to keep an eye on.

a photo of my graduation with my mom and aunts all around me

I do like that you added items to the treasure box instead of just sticking with what was there from Past Sins. Nice.

The reason for my glasses is... well...
Did you know an alicorn can get near sighted?

Really?

trying my best to fight the memories of the building back when it was beautiful. Back when I first met Rarity, and I had gotten my glasses.

2nd reference suggesting all of Nyx's memories are from Past Sins. Red flag. Not serious yet but watch out.

I muttered a small thank you to Celestia

Again with the Celestia-is-a-deity. But one which can actually affect things physically still? Sorry this is just a personal pet peeve of mine.

this place looked like Tartarus washed over it

Pseudo-reference to hell = Tartarus. Parallels only go so far, but this is probably just an additional pet peeve of mine, dragging real-world places into the poniverse and using them in idioms.

Draping the cloth over my wings, I felt a little bad to be doing this again. It was like pretending I was just a unicorn once again and not who I was.

Wait, does Nyx feel this way every time she puts something on? Why is she feeling that way now?

I had no idea if Celestia and Luna were alive at this time
Of course they’re alive, it would take a lot to kill an alicorn

Probably doesn't make much sense to be praying to them then, does it?

when I’m done finding out about Fluttershy and the others

Did Nyx have a particular relationship with Flutters that we don't know about? Just curious why she was mentioned by name and everyone else was "and the others".

Yeah... I’ll see Celestia and Luna at Canterlot, and they’ll hold me.

Nyx is still ten, isn't she?

They’ll comfort me and tell me that it’s going to be ok, that this is all a bad dream and Mom is alive and...” I then squinted my eyes hard, holding back the tears.

Laying it on a little thick. I get that she's distraught over the realization her mom and friends are long dead. But is this how she would really think about it? You could delete this entire sentence and the one after it in the chapter would convey her feelings just fine.

This cape was just to protect my alicorness. I didn’t know the alicorn situation here and if there are any ponies alive here in the Wasteland, they might be shocked to see a alicorn in the world.

Oh, now we understand why Nyx put on the cape. I'd explain this immediately after she puts it on.

Also - that's some pretty unusual foresight. I know we've established that Nyx is writing the journal after the fact but here you've given this as Nyx's motivation for hiding her wings. Is there anything at all from Nyx's history that would suggest to her that being spotted as an alicorn would be a Bad Thing somehow?

Especially one that looks like the mare who twice tried to destroyed Equestria.

Three times, actually. I may have to retract my previous statement if you reword it to just focus on her hiding her similar appearance to Nightmare Moon. Although, to be honest, her eyes aren't going to be hidden, and I am wondering if you'll have the wastelanders react to them.

I laughed at the memory, rubbing my hoof on the small dent in the ground from where the bomb went off.

Wait, a large water balloon left a dent in the ground... that still remained after 200 years?!!

I looked in the direction of Sugar Cube Corner and smiled widely to myself. Happily I ran to the ruined gingerbread building

Does something about this strike you as a bit off?
"Oh look! Sugarcube corner has been completely trashed! Yay!"

“Guys! Look, Look!” Cheered Applebloom as she ran to us, turning to show off a flank with a hammer and a nail in an apple.

I always find it interesting to see what different people envision the CMC's cutie marks being.

A chuckle escaped my lips as I opened the door, remembering the glee on Scootaloo’s face as a faint glow appeared on her flank.

Well... what is it?

talking Sweetie Belle into kissing her long time crush.

Who is it?

It tasted so good that I didn’t even try to think how long these have survived or how many rads they had.

What does Nyx know of Rads at this point? Also, nobody in Fo:E referred to radiation exposure as Rads. The game does, yes but this isn't the game... or is it?

Also, two hundred year old junk food "tasted so good"? So good that she apparently ate enough to alleviate her hunger? Damn those are some impressive snacks!

I was just walking around the town to see if I couldn’t find somepony. Well, now I found somepony and I think I better go

Nyx is sure chatty with ponies who have threatened her with multiple knives and multiple guns. Does she think it's necessary to explain her presence to them? Or should she just GTFO?

How did they get those, I didn’t know and quite frankly, dear reader, I did not want to know.

Might want to read this.
"I suspect you can also talk to the reader in a prologue and not again, because the prologue is a little separate from the story that follows."

Quickly, one of them went to my side and cut a deep gash into my right foreleg. This was when they had learned an unfortunate lesson, I had training as a royal guard and they did not.

If Nyx has royal guard training, and these ponies are threatening her with guns and knives, how on earth did they manage to actually cut a deep gash? Wasn't she backing up getting ready to GTFO? This just seems unlikely to get wounded like that.

In my confidence, I forgot about the fact that two of them wielded guns.

So much for her royal guard training. How could anyone "forget" about guns being drawn against them?

I concentrated my magic through my horn and made it crackle with pure electricity.

Wait, her horn generates electricity?? That's a neat trick. Is that unique to Nyx or something?
Magic != Electricity.

I sent out a bolt of electricity

Yep! Nyx is Electro now! Interesting.

I barely managed to dodge one bullet, but the other hit me dead in the hind leg as I rolled to the side. This left for his two friends to slice at my back and side, barely missing my wings. Squinting hard, I tried to concentrate for another another bolt, but the stallion in front of me cut in front of my chest before I could get another shot off.

Ok let's take stock of Nyx's injuries up to this point.
Deep gash to the foreleg
Bullet wound to the shoulder
Bullet to the hind leg
Knife wound to her side
Knife wound to her back
Knife wound to her chest

Dude... Nyx is getting her ass kicked. And she's the one with royal guard training??!

hope that my alicorn magic would act fast enough to heal my injuries

Wait, it can do that? Is this a new ability?

Now, I was forbidden from using a gun

WHAT?!!
What the. For... she can't... that's not... forbidden?!! By whom exactly?
She's got royal guard training. How can she be forbidden from using a gun?
Self conviction is one thing, but external forbidding is quite something else.

“Looks like she was a monster after all,” an earth pony mare taunted.

Who? Who is this voice in her head?

I screamed as I took off from my spot, my wings unfurling and destroying the cape

Those are some badass wings. Does she have razor blades on them?

Ok, so you've choreographed your first battle scene. I'd like to suggest maybe giving a whole hell of a lot of thought into the how's and why's of each and every moment of your battle scenes. Because this is where things happen, very quickly, and follow a logical progression each event dependent on the last. Have the entire tactical situation memorized, with the position of each combatant and what they can see, what they are doing and what they are dealing with. Think through the logistics of what each character is capable of, and what kinds of decisions they are going to make on the fly as the fight ensues.

To give you an idea of the depth of thought I try to go into when I construct an action scene, check this out.
And all of that analysis is just for a series of events in the story that takes place in the span of about 45 seconds.

I stood before the murdered stallion

Was it self defense or was it murder? A different adjective maybe.

“Look at that, guess she’s a monster after all,” I hear a small taunting voice

There's that voice again. Who is this?

“A little monster who kills ponies,” the other voice said.

Wait, now there are two of them? That mostly rules out internal conflict.

“Guess you are just a monster,” I hear my mom say, “Go away and never come back.”

WHAT?!
How would Nyx ever get this idea? After all the effort Twilight has put into convincing Nyx that she is not a monster... now this?

horrible fantasies

The word fantasies seems a bit off here. Maybe fears? delusions? nightmares?

“Hello yourself, Nyx Sparkle,”

This seems a bit tame for Spike upon discovering that Nyx (his adopted sister) is still alive!!
I'd imagine Spike saying "Nyx? No way! Is that you?!" I don't think Spike would be playing "Watcher" with Nyx like he played it with Littlepip. No need to hide his identity from Nyx. He knows she can be trusted.

“As for how I knew your name, ancient Canterlot secret.”

Why on earth would Spike be coy with Nyx?

Ok, I actually hacked into Celestia's files and other records of the events happened over 223 years ago. It seems that, three years after Nightmare Moon had been beaten and just after the return of the empire, there was a time period of two weeks where the sun did not rise,” I turned my head at this, it was still a painful memory to sit through. “A short time after that, Princess Celestia pardoned Nightmare Moon of her crimes. Then, after that, Twilight Sparkle adopted a young filly by the name of Nyx. A black alicorn that she said she ‘found’. It was not hard to connect the dots.”

And construct an elaborate lie about how he knows who she is?

“Now, what I want to know, is how did Twilight’s daughter wind up here in the Wasteland?”

He's seriously detached to Nyx. Coming across as moderately interested.

but he told me that mom wanted him to make sure that I was safe.

Backing up a bit... Something about this plan of Twilight's strikes me as a bit odd. She put Nyx in the basement of the library. (btw you mentioned the battle with Tirek as part of your canon. Didn't the library get demolished in that fight?) Anyway, the library is probably not what I would consider "keeping Nyx safe for 200 years". How is this any more safe than just letting Nyx roam free after the bombs fell? Also, and this is a big one - how the hell did the Raiders not find her preserved body in the library that they turned into a Raider nest?

and threw me into the treebrary

“She told me to find the fates of the other bearers of the elements, record it, and then find a giant computer thing to store it all in.”
“The archive?” Watcher asked himself

Wait wait... where was this referenced in the recording from Chapter 1? Did I miss it? What giant computer thing?

There is a Ministry of Morale building in Manehatten, you could try searching there.”
...
“Yeah, that sounds like her. She would want you live and be happy.” Then, he turned himself off and replaced with music as he left.

Whoa whoa whoa... Spike sends Nyx to Manehattan?!! That's one hell of a long hike, through very hostile territory. And he's not going to warn her at all about it??! He's not going to spend one word on explaining the hostile wastland situation to Nyx? He's not going to tell her where to get a copy of the Wasteland Survival Guide??! He at least did that for Littlepip! He told her to make friends so she can survive. This is Nyx! She's family. Spike is being a real asshole here.

I smiled as I gave them a few test flaps to make sure that they were in perfect working order.

She should still be seriously messed up right now though. Two gunshot wounds and loads of knife wounds. Shouldn't she be trying to find some way to get help for that?

there are times when I wished I had lost the wings and was born just a normal unicorn.

Nyx forgot that she wasn't born.

I saw Canterlot standing tall on the side of the mountain, or once standing tall. Now it looks like just a broken down castle

Actually, Canterlot was quite well preserved, structurally.

although, that weird pink mist that surrounded the city was worth checking out one day.

Nyx would know what the Pink Cloud did. All of Equestria mourned the tragedy at Littlehorn when the zebras released Pink Cloud into the school killing everypony.

I waved a hoof to the rust-colored stallion down below.

Did Calamity see her? If he did, wouldn't that alarm him quite a bit?

Ok I'm probably going to start coming off as pretty critical at this point. There are a lot of concerns I've got about some things now that Nyx is taking damage. Again, please don't take this personally. It's just how the story is coming across.

Looking around me, I noticed a small cave not too far from where I had landed. My curiosity was piqued, so I took a walk inside.

I'm curious if Nyx just didn't explore much in her lifetime before or what, because caves don't just show up in 200 years. Where was this thing prior to the holocaust?

Another major issue I just can't get out of my head is the fact that Nyx is happily exploring immediately after two bullet wounds and four knife wounds.

If Nyx can shrug off that kind of punishment, then Twilight had no business worrying about her on the front lines!

the white filly’s

Whoops, looks like Sweetie Belle hasn't grown up either.

3CMCBFF

It's CMC3BFF.

“Of course you do, Nyx!” Scootaloo said as she sat in front of us at the table. “But, when the CMC got started, there was only three of us and we three are the founding members. So it’s kind of like-”

Well technically the CMC had only been around for just over a year when Nyx showed up (and was admitted in the club) so Nyx has been with the CMC for nearly 20 years, but missed their first year. Just sayin'

“The three of us are watching over all the new fillies and colts that’ll be born in the stables. Watching over them and seeing that they all got their cutie marks and face a new future,” said Applebloom.

First, how are they "watching over" anyone growing up in the Stables?
Second, nopony is living in the stables yet. They were just being developed.
Third, where did this conversation come from? It seems like a strange random comment for AB to make out of nowhere. They were just talking about Nyx not being an original member and in the very next sentence AB changed the subject into something entirely different.

dear reader

Ok this is happening a lot. May want to tone it back a bit.

I could see the top of what was left of the skull, there was a bullet hole on the top. Lifting up the skull to look closer at the bullet wound, I took a good long look at the hole. Judging from the way the skull was caved in, I can guess that somepony shot him.

As opposed to a bullet erupting out of the skull suddenly?
Wait, what? Nyx sees a skull with a bullet hole in it, and after realizing this, examines the skull closely to come to the forensic conclusion that... the pony was shot. Because there are so many other ways to get a bullet hole in the head other than being shot. Good job Nyx! You're the next CSI hero, clearly.

trying to resist the urge to call out for somepony, not wanting to alert the ones who killed the ponies if they were still inside the building.

Nyx must not understand that it takes quite a long time for a dead pony to turn into a skeleton. How would the killers still be there?

I found a small freezer. Opening it up, it revealed some frozen sandwiches

Freezer's still working, eh? Man, StableTec builds things to last.

Looking for a bit, I took the water bottle and left the food behind, not really wanting to trust it. Who knows how long it had been sitting there?

Wait a second. She left sandwiches behind because of how old they might be, but she ate two hundred year old unrefrigerated candied apples a short while ago back in Ponyville?!? Nyx girl, your discernment needs work.

Besides, all stables had an orchard anyway, so I might find some food there.

Actually I think that was only Stable 2. Being right on Sweet Apple Acres and all. I don't recall any mention of orchards in other stables Littlepip explored.

saw that the orchard was just down the hall. A little smile came across my face as I ran inside and grabbed a few apples for myself and ate a few on the spot.

What's keeping these trees alive?

the leader of this stable (Which, I remembered was called an overmare)

Just a quick note, six paragraphs earlier, Nyx makes a casual reference to the overmare.

"I had at least expected the Overmare to be here or a welcoming party to see me in."

just sitting around as they were shot or doing some...’adult’ activities before they were gunned down.

She can tell that from skeletons? Or... are you saying that these are freshly killed ponies? Might want to make that clear one way or another early on.

Once inside I found the skeleton of a pony, lying in her chair in a fetal position.

Hmm, nope. Doesn't appear to be a recent attack.

Of course, the robots were all equipped with soft bags so no pony would die...

soft bags?

Apologies in advanced for being sarcastic. I'm just... not exactly sure how to feel about what I just read.
I honestly don't intend to be mean, and again, don't take this personally.

As I heard the guns warming up to shoot at me

That sort of makes sense if they are energy weapons. These aren't bullet firing guns are they? Guns don't have a "warm up" cycle.

Leaping over it as the bullets began to fly

Oh... Well then my question remains. Why the "warm up" sound?

as I focused my lighting mana

lightning mana??! This is an RPG isn't it? Nyx is playing an RPG. She has to be.

ripping the back off with my magic (Note to self: Find a screw driver in this place so I don’t need to rip metal plates again

Man that's some badass powers she's got. Ripping metal plating off a console?

But, before I could press the button, four bullets went through my right hoof and my side.

I sure hope she's able to limp to the med bay or something. Cause now she's been shot six times. How will this affect her?

Then I looked at the bullet wound in my side, grateful it didn’t get anywhere important, just missing my vitals.

What!! Does anyone, ever react to being shot in that way? Nyx is starting to sound like the limbless knight from Monty Python. "It's just a flesh wound". No sir, no big deal. At least they missed my vitals. How does she know this, exactly? When you get shot, you go into shock. Your body's sensations are all wonky and you are super confused about what just happened. Nyx is performing a medical analysis on herself after taking four (more) bullets.

I'm convinced: Nyx isn't living in the Wasteland. She's playing Fallout!! That's the only way to explain it. She's playing fallout and her health bar has gone down but thankfully not to the critical level. Carry on then! Maybe if I rest a while in a bed, I'll automatically heal like nothing happened.

With a limp, I walked over to

Well at least she's limping.

bots and grabbed whatever scrap that was left over

Yeah, definitely playing Fallout here. What on earth is Nyx planning on doing with scrap metal? Maybe take it to Megaton and sell it for some caps?

within a few short moments. I then turned my head to the Overmare’s door and ran out of the room

With six bullet holes in her body and knife gashes all over. At least one bullet hole in her hoof. And she's running.

Keeping their friend’s scrap up with my magic, I used it as a shield as I ran down the hallway

So that's what she needed the metal for. I take it Nyx doesn't have an alicorn shield of her own then? I find that a bit hard to believe, but ok.

Some of them even managing to graze my side or the side of my head.

More bullet wounds. Keeping in mind that a grazing bullet to the side of one's head would probably fracture the skull. Nyx is in really rough shape at this point. She needs a doctor now.

Looking to my left, I saw what looked like to be a med-bay and leapt inside, closing the door behind me.

Alright, here we go.

long enough to give my alicorn magic time to heal me.

Oh. Ok... So she does heal "just from resting". Nyx is playing Fallout, I swear.

my alicorn healing takes some of my mana to perform

Sigh.

Okay, I understand the idea that unicorns/alicorns have a limited amount of magical energy before they "burn out". This is Fo:E canon, we know this. But why is it being called "mana" here?

small orange pack labeled “rad-away”. I never tried the stuff myself, but I remember mom telling me about the Flim-Flam bros. invention that is supposed to help with radiation poisoning.

You did not seriously just make Rad Away invented by the flim flam bros...

I realized that I hadn’t drunk much of anything for the past day and needed it.

Having difficulty sensing how much time has passed since Chapter 1. Has she slept yet?

Deciding that it was time for me to leave,

Wait, Nyx was safely in the med bay with the opportunity to "heal up" and she hasn't really, yet and now she's leaving? Or is she healed? You said she found two healing potions but don't mention her taking them. She finds a canteen and you mention her drinking that instead. I'm seriously confused as to Nyx's exact medical condition at the moment.

some of the ice magic

Well that's an interesting ability.

but I found out the laugh came a bit too early as I felt five rounds go into my side

WHAT THE F... five more bullets?!!

Nyx has now been shot eleven times. Five new ones in her side? How's that going to miss vitals?

Panting, wincing, and groaning with each step, I dragged my body into the nearest room, praying that there was a bed. I smiled when my luck was fortunate to provide one in whatever room it was and I slowly crawled to it.

No... No, you did not just do what I was saying sarcastically several points up... You did not just seriously make a bed into a healing device like in Fallout. No. Just No. Is this a game or is this supposed to be an actual holocaust in the MLP universe with living breathing ponies who would be affected very different by bodily damage than a player in a game.

I fell into bed, the blood still oozing out from my sides and shoulders where the bullets had pierced me

The blood loss alone should kill her at this point.

I knew for a fact that, if I wasn’t an alicorn, some of these might have killed me.

Yes, that's the (sort of) saving grace here. You are demonstrating just how badass Nyx is. I do the same thing when I have her survive an explosion. Of course, she does need major surgery immediately after, but I'm shooting for realism. But I have to be honest, this kind of damage does seem quite implausible. You show that she is quite easily wounded but somehow survives these injuries with no problem.

“YOU CAN’T MAKE ME DO THAT, TWILY!” Shouted Shining Armor.

Actually, he's right.

“As your little sister and a mother, I think I have every RIGHT to make this request,” my Mom yelled at him.

No, actually she doesn't.

I want you to discharge Nyx and get her out of the royal guard,” Mom said, keeping calm.

I'm still having a bit of trouble believing that Twi would do this, and that Shiny would let her.

That’s why Mom took me out from my dream job, my destiny

Thing that feels off about calling military Nyx's "dream job" is that this phrase is usually used when referring to a job that someone finds true joy in. Military stuff might be Nyx's destiny and what she's good at but I hesitate to call it "dream job" because Nyx is very reluctant about killing.

I breathed softly in relief as I saw my bullet wounds had all disappeared

Complete healing overnight would be difficult to balance.

I walked off the bench and picked up a screwdriver (just in case I ever need to get a vent open)

Because that's the first thing everyone thinks when they see a screwdriver.

Before I walked through the looming gate

Gate?

When I had made my way out of the cave and into the open air, a part of me had wished to go back inside the stable

The insane part of her, surely. She just got out of that house of horrors where she got shot a half dozen times, and part of her wants to go back in?

While I looked up at the sky, I noticed an approaching little dot nearing me. Trying my best to figure out what it was, I waved the dot down.

At the distance where someone appears as a dot, you can't see someone waving you down.

watched with a smile as the pegasus saw me and flew down to me.

Not your fault, but I always thought it was rather silly that Derpy could still fly (much less fly well) in her physical condition.

I held back the urge to scream in horror as I looked over the rotting flesh and defeathered wings of the pony. Then I caught the sight of her unaligned eyes, the way one floated to one direction and to the opposite

Considering the condition of the rest of her body, it wouldn't actually be that surprising that the eyes would be screwed up as well - Nyx is sure it's Derpy despite the fact that she should be long dead, and happens to be right.

“Oh, I am so glad to see you!” I said, running over and giving her the biggest dang hug that I could possibly give.

ewwww

I let out a chuckle as I felt the cold fur touch me, “Hehe, you're...you’re awfully squishy.” I stood in that hug for a few good minutes, just enjoying her touch.

Ewwwwww!!
Nyx 'reacts-to-everything' Sparkle sure is keeping her composure (and her lunch) quite well in this situation. A few minutes? Of hugging what is essentially a living pile of rotting meat. As much as I disliked Kkat's choice of doing this to poor Derpy, I must say that it's quite surprising to see Nyx making light of it and thinking this is no big deal at all.

“It’s Dinky...” Sweetie Belle said, he eyes full of tears.
“What?”
Applebloom stood in front of them, her face looking down in a somber look, “They just released the list of ponies who died at Luna’s school...Dinky was-”

I knocked on the door, and watched it open slowly. Walking in, I saw Ditzy sitting there on her couch, looking over the family photo album. I walked slowly to the couch, leaning my head over her shoulder to see which photos that she was looking at. I smiled tearfully as I looked at the photo, the one that was taken when me and the other four graduated from Cheerilee’s school. We all laid together on the grass in a group pile, making sure that we were showing off our hard earned cutie marks. I looked across from that photo to one where Dinky and I shared a birthday muffin together, “I’m going to miss her too. If you need a friend, I’m-”
Ditzy dropped her photo book as she lowered her head to her forelegs and began to cry, “I need my daughter back, I need her back...”
Saying nothing, I got onto the couch with Ditzy and wrapped her in my forelegs, letting her cry on my shoulder while I rubbed her back gently.

Well done. No, really. Probably the most emotive, touching part of your whole story so far.

I watched as the wall-eyed... ghoul?

Did Nyx just guess the term for this type of pony?

Long story, but I am the owner of “Absolutely Everything!”

Ooh Ooh awesome play on words coming in 3... 2... 1...

“Absolutely Everything?” I asked, looking at the cart behind her.
Ditzy gave a quick nod and then wrote,
I sell various knick knacks and stuff to ponies. Anything you need? I got!
I smiled at the thought, “Great! I need some clothes and some

0...
...
Wait, what!
You passed up the most perfect opportunity for a joke your story has yet to create? You just passed on it??!
sigh.

No bits, caps are currency.
“Caps? You mean... bottle caps?”

Nyx wouldn't have assumed caps meant bottlecaps at this point.

“Oh, I’m sorry, but I don’t have any-”

For you, Free today. I’ll even give you 50 caps, As long as you bring me a muffin when we see each other again.
I smiled wide and gave Ditzy another squishy hug, “Thanks Ditzy. Here, take these ammo boxes that I scavenged and the bits, “I said, handing over the loot I had collected from my journey.

So Nyx has no money but Derpy gives her stuff and then Nyx barters anyway. Maybe Nyx would say instead: "I don't have any but I have these ammo boxes if you're willing to trade". Remember, barter is every bit as valid as buying with caps. And Derpy collects everything.

Back at my shop, but I do have some barding. No wing holes though.
I looked back at my wings and sighed. This was another one of those times I wish I was just a normal unicorn

There is no logic in this thought at all. The barding has no wing holes. Nyx looks at herself and wishes she was a normal unicorn. If that's the case then why doesn't she just put the barding on over her wings? I mean, how is that any worse than being a normal unicorn? It's like someone saying "Here, have this wheelchair" and you looking at your working legs and saying "Dang I wish I was crippled so I could use this wheelchair".