Everything Wrong
With
"Worst sister"
(by andrizzi)

in 1800 words or less

Spoilers!!

(duh)

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Rarity loved spring cleaning. Sure, she already cleaned her house every two days each, but (...)

Each what? Day? It's weirdly redundant in the sentence as it is now, unfortunately. And if it pertains to 'house', it both should be plural and we better learn where is Rarity's summer vacation abode. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 1

That day, Rarity was ready to start. She had her ostrich feather duster, her maid outfit, she had covered her mane with a gray band, and she had given a big smooch on Sweetie Belle’s forehead before the little dear had to run to school.

Implying that a feather duster is the only thing necessary to clean a whole house? I'd let this pass since she was established to be a regular cleaner and probably didn't need more than a touch-up to do it here... except half of the last paragraph is dedicated to how meticulous she has to be. With only a a feather duster. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 2

Also, a maid outfit? What, does she have to be so thorough as to get in-character, too? I realize it's possible she has it, I mean... she's a fashionista by trade. But I don't see the practicality of this versus a simple apron or something more protective of dust? Unless that's what the maid outfit is specifically designed for this, but then you never actually described it as such nor is it mentioned again, is it? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 3

Luckily, between Sweetie’s good qualities there was her predisposition to put all her things in order. ‘Which is a blessing,’ thought Rarity in relief, ‘considering the messes she often comes up with.’

The narration continues seamlessly through Rarity's thoughts. Only, it doesn't feel as natural when you do that.*(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 4

All the books were on the bookshelves, no toys were scattered over the ground, no clothes out of the wardrobes, the table clean and empty save for one diary…

Rarity abruptly stopped and opened wide her eyes, spinning in a flash her head towards the table.

So the last thing Rarity looks at is the table. She stops at this point, widens her eyes and then... spins her head towards the table again? What, did she pull a 360º Exorcist head turn? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 5

“What’s this? My little sister got a new diary for the new year?” muttered Rarity between herself.

I fear that Rarity was split in half and her mouth is the only ligament remaining between both parts, people. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 6

Looking at the table, Rarity saw that the only other thing beside the diary was a pencil.

Yes. Except, earlier, you said:

(...) the table clean and empty save for one diary…

*(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 7

By deduction, she guessed that her sister barely had the time to write down a new entry right after she woke up before she had to literally run in order to not being late for school.

And she's basing this entirely on the unlikelihood that Sweetie Belle would leave the diary out unattended in the opening? It's hardly a deduction, it's more of a poor inference. It wouldn't be a point of nitpicking if it wasn't distracting to use something like that in a reasonably well-paced and succint narration as it has been so far. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 8

“As I promised, I will respect my word will not pry… ehm, check into my sister’s life,” she announced, putting the diary back on its place.

Don't worry, words are trustworthy. They never pry. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 9

... Thereby follows a good 14 small paragraphs of Rarity comically fooling herself to resolve opening the diary and take a peek. I'd complain about the time took to setup as compared to the payoff, but as you might have noticed, I don't know the first thing about humor, so I'll refrain.

Sighing, Rarity started to scroll all the page one after the other, ascertaining that almost all the pages had just one dull line: today was sunny, today we and the Crusaders helped another pony with her Cutie Mark, today Discord switched Scootaloo’s scooter with a giant crab, tomorrow we traveled through time to today…

Are we to believe that Rarity wouldn't be the slightest bit concerned with that last one? Especially given what she's doing? Or maybe I'm wrong, maybe time travel isn't anything of importance.*(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 10

An excited giggle escaped from her mouth. She could already tell she was going to adore this one.

Dear Diary,

Rarity is the worst sister ever.

What in a glancing pass of this sentence could make Rarity possibly think she was going to 'adore' this? It's quite clear and eloquent on the top. I just don't get why she'd be excited unless if you meant to immediately upset her to present the contrast of emotions. Which the story did, of course. But it feels odd, if anything. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 11

Sometimes I think she doesn’t care about me. (...)

Probably, we wouldn’t do anything together if it wasn’t for my efforts. (...)

Because that’s what little sisters are for, dragging a chart containing all your packages and yourself while you chill. UPHILL! That’s minor abuse! (...)

Rarity stared at the signature, both dumbstruck and horrified, searching for anything else over the page. She couldn’t believe that Sweetie could ever write something like this about her, there had to be a part where she realized how much she loved her big sister. (...)

Could it be then… could it be that she just wasn’t enough?

Oh boy, this is interesting drama. This is exactly what I was looking for in this story. I mean, this is tagged Drama, isn't it-

... Oh.

Oh no. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 12

Also, a fair bit happens on the start of the next scene and through paragraphs, none of which even tries to make the readers laugh, I'd safely wager, so that's an extra two sins. It wouldn't be if the fic was longer and was setting up more stuff, but it's reasonably short as it is. *(ding!)* *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 14

Sweetie bolted up on two legs and threw her forehooves in the air.

“April’s fool!” she announced.

Ah, that was a good one, Sweetie, it's a real knee-slapper, I'm roaring with laughter right here. It doesn't excuse all the unfunniness up to this point, though, if that's what you're wondering. It's a pay-off, but... c'mon. Who would laugh at that. Certainly not Rarity, as we'll see. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 15

After the explanation, she leaned eagerly over the table and excitedly looked to her big sister. “That was a good one, right?” she asked with the innocence of a calf the day before Easter.

... So am I to assume that not only do ponies have Easter, but they also sacrifice firstborn calfs to an elder God or something? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 16

She just kept on staring to Sweetie Belle with an unreadable expression. (...)

Then, after a full minute, Rarity stood up. (...)

Rarity still held the same expression and, without uttering a sound, reached the exit.

Wow. The joke was so bad that Rarity left the story on her own. Sucking that bad takes talent, Sweetie Belle! *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 17

Also, we transitioned to another scene and STILL no comedy! *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 18

‘It wasn’t meant to be like this, it just had to be an innocent prank,’ thought Sweetie, biting her lower lip.

*(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 19

Ultimately, Sweetie heard a click from the front door and turned, holding her breath.

Interestingly, earlier when Rarity left, the doorbells rang loudly. They have a whole paragraph line dedicated to them. It makes it feel inconsistent they're not cited here. Either don't cite them at all or do both times. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 20

Cue several more paragraphs where Rarity fakes the fact that she's actually really not a good sister after all, and though the way that both she and Sweetie are talking feels well done and organic, it doesn't change that fact that it's not funny. Y'know, I think I'll just double the sins so far to account for this and not mention it so much more. We good? We good. *(lotsadings!)*

Sin Tally: 40

“Why is Applejack here?” asked Sweetie Belle with a clear quiver in her voice.

“I asked her to come,” said Rarity, covering her eyes with a hoof.

“But why?”

“As I already said… you deserve a good big sister.”

“What?” Sweetie Belle panicked and her breath fastened.

I mean, darling, you sure were quick to latch onto her on Sisterhooves Social, how could I not? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 41

“April’s fool, darling,” slyly muttered Rarity.

Obvious pay-off is obvious. Though to be fair, I suppose it'd suit an episode of the show if fleshed out a bit. So the sin goes to none of these scenes having a lap dance. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 42

“Well, looks like my part here is over,” shouted Applejack as she turned to leave, saving her laughs for later. “Take well, sugarcubes.”

Thanks for the pointless cameo, Applejack!

*(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 43

After the door closed, Sweetie Belle spun repeatedly her head between the door and Rarity, who was now snickering.

Oh no, the Exorcist head syndrome in this is getting worse! Any more spinning and we'll need an actual exorcist.*(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 44

“Applejack! I changed my mind!” she yelled as Rarity burst out laughing. “Come back here! I just need to pack a few things!”

... OK, that was pretty funny. No sins found in this scene.
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Fanfic Sin Tally: 44
Sentence: Pranked, bro! (by never-mentioned-again time travel)

More like ET neck.

This was hilarious and very helpful.

When you pointed out the presence Drama and the lack of Comedy you hit a nerve.
Originally, this fic was supposed to be a prank itself for first April and be tagged like a Sad Drama fic.
Basically, I wanted to prank the reader as well as the characters with a drama that had to look real.
Then, I decided to use the proper tag because... I don't know, it felt more honest I guess.
I mean, the point of this story obviously isn't to make you feel sad. And the only Drama present is fake.
Still, tags can be quite a spoiler.

Anyway, thanks for being so insightful.

Just one question, when you say:

The narration continues seamlessly through Rarity's thoughts. Only, it doesn't feel as natural when you do that.

You mean... I should do it more often, or I shouldn't do it at all?

5887756 Thank you and I apologize for hitting a nerve. After all, this is meant almost solely for entertainment.

I do get that the drama was meant to be fake and that is the joke. And, well, in some instances, it definitely is funny, and though I'm not going to get into being an arbiter of what funny and what isn't, I was struck by how long the scenes with the fake drama themselves were, in comparison with the rest of the story, and... seeing as they are most of the story, I was inclined to point it out. Mind you, I liked the story nonetheless, it's short and does what it needs to fast.

Also, it might not be wrong to use the Drama tag anyway, so it becomes a comedy-drama of sorts. That said, I understand why you wouldn't, if you don't consider this real drama; or if you just want to refrain from using more tags for a short story since, well, a single tag reflects some degree of focus and quality more often than stories that cram the 5 most pertinent tags (and add gore and sex for good measure >>)

... Oh, as for your question, I'd recommend not doing it unless you establish that the narrator IS the character. It isn't the case here, so when you did it, my suspension of disbelief dropped for a moment. But to be honest, it's a minor point, and you only did it once- and honestly, it might just be my personal preference showing. In which case I apologize.

Glad you enjoyed it at any rate~ ^^