Everything Wrong With: A Puppet to her Fame
By Kaidan
Sins by BronyWriter
Spoilers
(duh)

Pianissimo, then a crescendo into fortissimo, then a decrescendo back to pianissimo.

Musician porn. Ding 1

We were somewhere East of the theater,

improper caps. Ding 2

I thought we—I thought you and I. . . slept together.”

A short gasp escaped her lips. “Octy, I wouldn’t take advantage of you. You’re lucky to still be innocent, and that’s worth protecting. Stick with me and I’ll make sure nothing bad happens to you.”

Oh, well then never mind my comment on this last chapter. -Ding 1

My eyes darted around a bit, and I quickly drank the rest of whatever drink Bon Bon had mixed me.

As opposed to quickly drinking whatever sandwich Bon Bon had made for you. Ding 2

“Thanks, and relax. We’re here to take it easy. Bon Bon, can you make screwdrivers please?”

“Sure thing,” she answered, smiling.

“What’s a screwdriver?”

“It’s what you use to drive screws around,” Vinyl replied.

“Oh, ok.” I smiled and leaned back into the sofa, relaxing.

Octy doesn't know what best alcoholic drink is, and Vinyl gives her a dumb response when she asks. Ding 3

Figured I’d introduce you to the breakfast drink of champions. Well, it’s tied with bloody marys, actually.”

"Bloody Marys" should be capitalized, given that it's a proper noun. Ding 4

Would Celestia and Luna be hearing my song at a gala in a thousand years ?

Improper space between "years" and the question mark. Ding 5

You have to become an adult and leave your Parents’ house eventually.”

Improper caps Ding 6

I sipped my drink and imagined moving out of my Parents’ house.

And again. Ding 7

That was the first time I started hearing music, playing, composing. . . don’t get me wrong. I enjoy it.

This should be re-organized a bit. It flows more naturally if it's "...playing, composing. Don't get me wrong: I enjoy it." Ding 8

I sighed and looked down at the grimy floor.

I dunno. That doesn't really match with her description of Lyra and Bon Bon's apartment earlier. Ding 9

Circling around to the Servants’ entrance to my estate

Improper caps. Like before, let's just add ten sins for all of it instead of pointing each one out. Ding 19

I turned on the lights to my room, moaning as my family portait came into view on the wall. It showed my parents dressed in their fancy suits. It showed me, cowering between them on my belly, with my ears lowered. As far as family portraits go, it could have been worse.

Chilling, but it pops up randomly. If she sees this in her room then either the hooks put it there and it freaks her out, in which case mention that it being there is out of the ordinary, or don't have her react to it because she should be fairly used to it by now. There doesn't seem to be anything about her seeing it that's special this time.Ding 20

Perhaps one day I would make my parents proud enough to buy me a pen. I’d heard nothing but good things about them from the servants.

Of course, you also used one at Vinyl's house, or did you forget about that? Ding 21

“Indeed, I would hate to get knocked up by a unicorn and have a filthy unicorn foal.”

She was actually stunned speechless, mouth agape, for a moment. It had become a game between us. She would come and taunt me, I would make my quips, and she would punish me. The implications of what I had said caught her off guard, a rare victory.

Okay, I'll give her that one. Well done. -Ding 20

I quivered in fear and sobbed under the new moon. The thoughts of defeat going through my head were unwelcome. No. They are the ones acting like animals. It’s not my fault. . . is it?

I gotta give this story more credit for this kind of thing. It's brilliant at showing the psychological effects of being abused. One of the ways it comes out is that you do start to blame yourself for it. Nicely done. -Ding 19

“Stupid fucking eggheads!” I swore at the top of my lungs, slamming a hoof into the ground. “Ugh, we’ll see who is laughing after I go to the bar, again.”

Your mother left your room seconds ago. She heard that. Ding 20

I gasped into her mouth as she placed her hoof somewhere I had never been touched before.

My elbow. Ding 21

Mother takes her anger at Father’s small manhood out on me?

There's that word "man" again. Silly nitpicky BronyWriter! Ding 22

“I’ve always wanted a pet. I wonder if you will appreciate me after I break you once and for all.” Mother laughed as she managed to drag me out from under the bed, towards the waiting collar.

So get one. A cat would complete the hysterically overblown cliche that is you. Ding 23

“I had hoped it wouldn’t come to this, but my wife’s methods proved insufficient. She’ll be in shortly to begin your training. I’d suggest you stop antagonizing us. Both of us can track that collar. Both of us can use it to deliver a powerful magic surge through your nerves.”

My Father’s horn glowed and the device around my neck tightened. I could still breathe, yet it dug deeply into my skin. To demonstrate what would happen next time I disobeyed, he effortlessly activated it. I fell to the floor in exquisite agony as I felt hundreds of nerves running through my body, from my brain, down the spine, to my hooves, ignite in white hot fire. As sudden and severe as it was, the searing affliction vanished just as quickly, leaving me gasping.

Okay, before it was all good, but now it's just getting farcical. I get that her parents feel they need more and more extreme measures, but they should have been caught by now. Vinyl, and by now Bon Bon and Lyra, too, know what's really happening to her. Why wouldn't they, say, go to Princess Celestia? Or Princess Luna if Celestia is busy? Celestia would take it seriously enough to at least look into it. She's not dumb. If several ponies come to her and say "uh, so here's what's going on" then she'd look into it. Octy's parents cannot have the entire royal guard in their pockets. It's just ridiculous at that point. So her father is friends with some higher-up and a judge. That's fine. But it's getting to the point where they're cartoonishly evil.

If Celestia, or let's say Shining Armor, came up to Octy and asked what the deal was, she'd likely point to her collar, which would obviously be coursing with magic. Octavia isn't some random earth pony: she's an Equestria-wide famous composer! if Celestia hears about this, which is all happening right on her doorstep, then she'd look into it, especially if Vinyl pointed out that Octy's dad has a lot of the guard in his pocket. Celestia isn't the type who would just say "oh, they're exaggerating" especially when Vinyl tells her about the rope burns and bruises on her neck. Seriously, there's not one pony in a position of power and influence in all of Equestria who isn't in the pocket of Octy's dad? He was just a famous conductor! He's not Blueblood.

Don't get me wrong: this is a great story. It's just that her parents eventually get so evil that it breaks all suspension of disbelief. Before it made sense. She was essentially brainwashed by their anti-earth pony rhetoric. She was just breaking out of that when she met Lyra. They kept their cruelty relatively contained (or, at least, relatively speaking. Seriously, a cat o' nine tails will mess you up) and kept power over her that way.

I dunno. Her parents just got too over-the-top evil to me. Ding 33

“ Remember,” my father warned.

Additional space. Ding 34

“You even think about stepping a hoof out of line, and I can fry every neuron in your body.

So what happens if she misbehaves in public? Remember: she's 18. She's legally an adult. Are you just going to fry her in front of an entire audience? There's only so much you can get away with. Having a judge as a friend isn't a "get away with all evil forever" card.

...

Don't ask me how I know that. Ding 35

Now leave, Lyra, before I have you thrown in jail by one of the police on my payroll.”

I just... gah! Ding 36

“So, any smart ass remarks? You want to tell your Father about his small penis now?” my mother mocked.

“Octavia,” Mother cooed

Her mother speaks, then the next paragraph is her speaking again. You could condense that. Ding 37

“Oh, t-thank the goddess...”

Previously in the story, whenever Kaidan used ellipses, the ellipses had spaces between them like this . . . now they're condensed. Pick one. Ding 38

I cringed as she did, but there was nothing else I could do.

Extra space. Ding 39

Just talk to me... I-i can’t take this!

Given that Vinyl is still referring to herself, the second I should be capitalized. Ding 40

I watched helplessly as Vinyl walked away. That was the day I truly became a puppet to my fame.

Roll credits! Ding 41

For 70 years Octavia had no rival on the cello

Seventy should be spelled out. Ding 42

Well, I've been a dick to this story so far, silly nitpicky pegasus that I am, but I really do enjoy it. It gives you just enough information about the chains and hooks to make them chilling, but not so much that they're completely explained. The ending is tragic, but very well done. The one big flaw of the story is her parents in the third chapter. They hit cartoonish levels of evil, which dulled the impact of their actions. Overall, this is a great story. -Ding 37

Final Sin Tally: 37
Final Story Sin Tally: 67
Sentence...

...

...

A puppet to your fame. (Damn you, hooks!)

I didn't know you were a pegasus

5532700 Yeah, my full profile pic reveals the wings.