Everything Wrong
With
"Drunk Shipping: Starring Soarin and Octavia"
(by DBP12012)

in 3600 words or less

Spoilers!!

(duh)

______________________________________________________

Chapter 1

She inhaled deeply, trying to calm her nerves.

She let out another deep breath.

While Octavia is indeed nervous, this is a lot of deep breaths to draw after the spotlight is on you. Especially since she got some time of warning before this, as the other lights faded "slowly". *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 1

You've practiced this for three months. No, longer than that. At least five.

That's a lot of practice for a song that was referred to as "simple". In that case, even if the audience are the 4 alicorns and the Wonderbolts, she shouldn't be as nervous as she's shown to be. I know it's an emotional thing, but still. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 2

Nopony is watching. It's just you. Close your eyes, just for a minute.

Remember that you're in the spotlight, and all other lights were dimmed! One minute is a long time when you only have one thing to stare at! *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 3

One, two, three, four...

Octavia becomes Teemo. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 4

She hummed the melody to herself as the bow glided gracefully along the strings, causing each note to come out cleanly and crisply.

It takes two paragraphs and two sequences of inner thoughts (though the second is admittedly smaller) for the music to begin. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 5

The lights faded gently, creating a dreamlike atmosphere.

Wait, again? They did so in the first sentence. What did I miss? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 6

One of the younger alicorns sighed with the performer, leaning back in her chair and closing her eyes as well.

Is there any specific reason why neither Twilight nor Cadence could be named here? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 7

Octavia smiled to herself, opening her eyes to see her crowd enjoyed her music almost as much as she did.

She had her eyes closed? But she was very nervous about that performance! I'd hardly think she'd purposely keep her eyes closed and give any room for error in that situation. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 8

Her imagination soared in the form of eighth, quarter, half, and whole notes.

As someone who plays the keyboard, I'd accept this if she was coming up with the song on the fly, but she isn't, as she has practiced it for 5 months. In that case, her imagination should be buried in the corner while she goes through the practiced, learned motions of executing that particular song. It definitely isn't "soaring". *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 9

He caught himself lost in the melody along with her, swaying side-to-side with the mystical composition. An orange mare next to him scowled, giving him a light tap on the fore-hoof.

Music appreciation is forbidden amongst Wonderbolts. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 10

The eldest alicorn, Celestia, staggered a bit. Her cheeks flushed bright red and her breath could kill a greenhouse with its stench.

"Kill a greenhouse"? We can understand she's drunk without needing an overstatement like this. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 11

Also, drunk Celestia. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 12

"Octavia, was it?" He smiled warmly, yet ruined the mood with a hiccup. Octavia flinched, her lip cocking itself almost automatically.

Octavia is afraid of hiccups. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 13

Oh, gosh, I even can smell his breath from over here, she thought.

Speaking of which, when did these ponies get drunk? It probably wasn't before the music started. They were acting nice and proper before, and even censored some ponies who apparently weren't acting "proper" enough. But then, the next scene just starts with:

After the concert, the seven ponies gathered in the waiting hall.

So, it is never clear when they could have gotten drunk. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 14

"Your highness," she smiled pleasantly, though her mind screamed to run to the hills.

Octavia shows her contept for Her Drunk Highness by not capitalizing the "H". *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 15

Celestia bit her lip, raising her eyebrows. Not before long; the alicorn stumbled into the table, nearly flipping it.

Celestia is stumbling and I can only think the royal guards aren't helping because they're enjoying seeing their leaders hammered like that. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 16

She need not even look up, the scent alone told her it was none other than the Princes of the Sun who'd pulled her up.

I'm not old enough to make a joke about that movie, but I suppose I could mention that Game of Thrones game? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 17

"Mng, you'd look so, so much cuter in socks, too..."

This is breaching Molestia territory. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 18

"Tia!" A new voice cried, getting all three heads to turn. Princess Luna revealed herself, and to Octavia and Twilight's delight, she wasn't drunk.

"All" three? We're in the waiting room, where there should be 8 ponies in total. Three heads wouldn't be all of them. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 19

"Stop. Go home, Tia, you're drunk."

This. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 20

Luna sighed, picking up her sister.

That moment when you pick up something your own size.

*(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 21

She waved one of the guards over, whispering some commands before motioning him to leave.

Oh, so there are guards here. I guess I was right about their just enjoying the show so far. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 22

"Are all the afterparties like this with the Royal Sisters?" Twilight rapidly shook her head. "Wait, Princess Twi-"
"Just 'Twilight' is fine, Octavia."
"Sure, sure. Twilight, do you know the reason for this concert anyway?

After being corrected on what to call Twilight, Octavia immediately forgets her first question. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 23

Twilight dropped her voice into a low tone, so the sisters wouldn't hear. "It's Celestia's monthly Drunk Shipping Event. She gets drunk, picks two random ponies, then tries to get them...hm, ah...How do I put this?"
"Laid, maybe?"

The advantages of being the ruler of the land is that you can get away with sh*t like this. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 24

Also, if this is actually a holiday and even Twilight knows about it, how come Luna doesn't know? And if she does know, why does she tell Celestia to "go home" just some paragraphs ago? That'd be interrupting the holiday's whole purpose. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 25

"It's all for laughs.

It's all fun and games until somepony gets pregnant. But I suppose that only means "more subjects/servants" for Celestia, so she probably doesn't care. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 26

Chapter 2

Spitfire seemed okay, but she still had a few beers. She gets unpredictable even when buzzed, so Octavia steered clear of her.

In the series, she seemed predictable enough, when sober. But this "even" seems to imply that she's unpredictable both ways. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 27

Luna quietly tried to approach her seemingly insane sister, occasionally trying to the empty glass.

OK, so occasionally Luna approached to try and get the empty glass, but other times she... approached just for the heck of it, apparently. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 28

Also, a verb is missing somewhere. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 29

She remembered the first time she drunk was at one of her best friend's DJ party. She had puked all over Vinyl Scratch's- her best friend's -turntables. (...) even though Vinyl had laughed and told her not to pay for them, because it happened all the time.

Apparently everyone pukes on Vinyl's tables and it is widely accepted. What sort of parties are these ponies having? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 30

Even so, she seriously considered to have a drink or two just to break the ice.

Break the ice with whom? Octavia doesn't want to approach Celestia or Spitfire. Fleetfoot is mentioned to be by Spitfire, and she wouldn't need to drink in order to talk to Luna. At this point, Twilight and Cadence have left already. The one pony missing is Soarin, and with Celestia right around the corner trying to ship you both, you might not want that either. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 31

"And why are you suddenly a surfer?" She snapped back. She tried to walk away, but he staggered enough to catch up. Octavia tried to smile, but her cheeks wouldn't let her.

Why is Octavia trying to smile here? After snapping at Soarin, it's no use trying to act nice suddenly. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 32

"I have no idea what you mean, bro." Soarin smiled, chuckling to himself again.

Being drunk gives Soarin some sort of Rule 63 vision. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 33

"How should I know?" Octavia asked back, a sarcastic and condescending tone lacing her words. "And for that matter, why is anything called anything? Why do they call it a pumpkin? Or a squash? Or a banana? Or..."

No sins found here. This would have been a hillarious subject to dive into with a drunk by your side.

"Why do you like vegetables and fruits so much? Don't you eat anything else?" Soarin asked quickly.

Ponies are herbivores. What did you expect? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 34

Don't do it, Octavia. He's not worth your face hoof.

Wouldn't you facehoof at something stupid or pathetic? Why would one need to decide whether it's worth or not to facehoof at something? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 35

She was a vegetarian, and he should know that.

Of course you are! *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 36

Also, if there was a possibility for Octavia not to be vegetarian, why should he know that? Aren't they meeting each other here for the first time? The previous scenes seemed to imply that. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 37

She opened her mouth to speak, but unbeknownst to her, Luna had gotten the empty margarita glass away from Celestia.

Luna worries about getting the empty glass away from Celestia, but doesn't worry that her clearly drunk sister is left alone and unattended near the person she had been flirting with quite intensely since the last chapter. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 38

"Yes, yes, come to Molestia, Octi,"

...
...
No. I can't do this. *(lotsadings!)*

Sin Tally: 88

Octavia turned around, instantly screaming at the sight of Celestia breathing not a foot away from her neck.

Oh, so it was the sight of the breathing that scared you now, not the smell. Okay. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 89

Her mane looked like a rat's nest.

I don't think Celestia's mane would ever look like that. It's too colorful for a rat's nest. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 90

"I planned all of this. I know you love me, my dear Octi. I love you as well, and I even have a pair of adorable socks just waiting in my bedroom.

Socks. The ultimate display of love. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 91

Soarin caught her in the act, so he pulled her in a planted a kiss on her cheek. It was sloppy, wet, and disgusting, yet she wasn't sure whether to blush or puke. She did both

An extreme case of the cooties. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 92

So get out, bro, or I'll take you down

Says Soarin as he forgets he's talking to the person that controls the sun and the ensuing battle is a short one. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 93

Also, this confirms my "Drunk!Soarin gets Rule 63 vision" headcanon. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 94

"Actually, I'm trying to-mmmmph!" Celestia winked to her, grabbing both hooves and planting a kiss smack-dab on her lips.

It both were standing up, they'd fall upon doing this. Celestia needs to have sat and then pulled Octavia by her hooves towards herself for this to work. No indication of this is given, though. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 95

Octavia finally wrenched Celestia off of her hooves. For good measure, she shoved the alicorn down

There goes another poor soul to the sun. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 96

Also, Celestia is bigger than Octavia. How did she do that? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 97

Celestia whined. Octavia sighed, offering a hoof up. Celestia accepted it graciously.

Again, Celestia is bigger than Octavia. This motion should have been at least awkward. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 98

I'd also make a complaint about having fallen down and accepting some help up not being in any way "gracious", but it's Celestia so I'm sure she found a way to pull that off.

Who was she to say he was thinking logically and sincerely when he had drunk so much beer it could've killed him?

He obviously didn't have that much beer. I mean, he's alive. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 99

She handed Octavia a glass of wine subtly. She gave in and took a sip. She spit it out. The wine left a bitter taste in mouth at first. Celestia nudge her to take a second sip. After the second sip, she groaned in pleasure.

3 sentences is all it takes to someone who literally spits wine out of disgust for the taste to groan in pleasure after having it again. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 100

Octavia would've snapped back, but the wine had a calming sort of drug in it.

The narrator usually follows Octavia's thoughts and view, but she clearly doesn't know about that drug. If she did, she'd have acted upon it in some way, or at least referenced the taste in a clearer manner. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 101

She didn't fight back, though she could faintly hear a voice in the back of here head somewhere screaming bloody murder to get out, out!

Sadly, Octavia doesn't kill anyone in this scene. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 102

Stop, Octavia, just stop! He's filthy, raunchy, stereotypical, and...

Being stereotypical is as much of an offense as being filthy. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 103

Also, they'll understand that you were drunk, so if doesn't matter what you say! Yes, it does! Even if you are drunk, you don't know how Soarin will use your words against you.

Apparently alcohol is the little devil and Octavia is the little angel in this scene. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 104

Luna'd already prepared a carriage home. The two guards pulling the cart yawned, only to get a death glare from Luna. They both perked up after that.

Yawning is a punishable offense. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 105

She walked to the door slowly, getting ready to walk home at one in the morning. In Canterlot. With a crime rate of fifty percent.

What!? No. This is the city where the rulers of the land live, that is probably one of the most heavily guarded cities of the land, the closest to the telescopes which the sisters use to keep watch of everything during day and night, that has no repercussions for the leaders if they banish you to the sun, moon or Tartarus, that is not too far away from Ponyville where the representatives of the Elements of Harmony reside, and that is the closest to Luna's probable route amongst dreams, allowing her to scout the thoughts or dreams of any possible future evildoer around before it even brews into something. I call bullsh*t on this rate. *(ding!)* x10

Sin Tally: 115

Also, what does just "fifty percent" even mean? I mean, if it's high enough to alert Octavia, I already know it's way higher than it should be, but it is still unclear in this aspect. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 116

Epilogue

"Nopony?" She asked.
"Nopony," he replied.

So there's no one to carry either of the ponies home, and Octavia realizes this by the end of the previous chapter, but when did Soarin got into this? Last we saw him, he was just trying to kiss Octavia again. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 117

"We're running out of options. Shouldn't we just walk?" He asked impatiently, kicking at some loose gravel in the street.

"Are you crazy? Walking home alone in Canterlot at one in the morning? How badly do you want to get mugged?" Octavia snapped.

I could give another sin for this crime rate still being a ridiculous plot device, but the sin is actually due to Octavia saying anything about walking alone when Soarin asked what they both should do. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 118

"You seem perfectly fine and sober. After all, you're using logic.

*(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 119

"Don't call me that. I can deal with Octi and Tavi, but don't call me babe," she growled.

"Don't-call-me-babe" cliché. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 120

Just because I'm drunk in no way means I'm going to change my moral compass and refined tastes and sink so low as to--"

While Octavia is doing the right thing, and there are definitely reasons against hooking up with Soarin, what sort of taste would she consider "refined", then? What, is one of the members of the most renowned team of fliers in Equestria not good enough for her? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 121

"Tavi, we don't have to sleep just yet," he whispered. "Will you watch the stars with me?"

If all else fails, I guess he can always blame the stars. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 122

"When I was younger, my mother...she was an astronomer. We used to go out on our balcony and she'd point out the constellations to me.(...)

"Hmph. All my mom taught me was how to make a pie crust.(...)

"Soarin, is your mother..."(...)

Only now character development hits, and it's pretty decent. Too bad it's in the epilogue. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 123

"Tavi? Where are you..." Soarin glanced up at the sound of cackling thunder. Octavia jumped and the sound and bolted for the doors.

The sky is hiccup-ing! Hide! *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 124

Sure enough, it looked as though a flood could burst through Heaven's gates any moment.

The weather ponies must be mad they weren't picked for this holiday or something. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 125

"I..." Octavia let out a small burp, embarrassment flooding her face once she did. She closed her eyes then pushed on the doors. She screamed, then slammed her body into them. "Umph!" She exclaimed as her shoulders crashed into the barrier. Soarin ran up, trying to calm her.

... What? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 126

Also, shoulders. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 127

"Soarin, it's about to flood and the doors locked automatically

How? Certainly not due to technology. My guess is that one of the guards did it, in which case Octavia is wrong about saying it was "locked automatically". *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 128

Soarin reached down, only to get his hoof smacked as she turned her face away from him.

Soarin tries to be actually compassionate to a crying Octavia, gets smacked right back. Apparently the prospect of being mugged in the streets isn't too bad that it prevents Octavia from thinking that being touched by an ally will also be bad. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 129

"No, Soarin. There's no way out anymore. No way out..." She whispered. "You can go, you can fly away miles and miles from here because you don't have an Equestria-shattering fear of something as moronic as thunder;

You know very well why he can't do that. He's drunk. You were the one to point that out! Plus, it's raining now, apparently. Not ideal conditions to fly. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 130

She lifted her chin up, gazing upon Soarin as he shoved himself into the rain. His fur stood up straight, much like Octavia's had in her performance.

How is his fur standing up in the rain? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 131

He couldn't do anything rational right now, not with the five or so glasses of cider in him.

Wasn't it established it was beer, and not cider? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 132

He twitched and tried to fight the rain.

Good luck, mate. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 133

Do you know what the c-cold is, Octavia?"(...)
"the c-cold is my f-fear! I shouldn't f-fear it, because it c-can't hurt me. Yet, here I stand, biting back my tears in the coldest r-rain of March. It hurts, Octavia, because I let it hurt me.

I assure you that cold is very real and it will hurt you. It is not just a manifestation of your fears, Soarin. You're drunk. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 134

"Do you let the thunder hurt you, Octavia?!" (...)

"Yes! I let it hurt me!" She yelled back at him. He smiled, his body refusing to shake anymore. Octavia gave him a puzzled look with which he responded:

"I'm not afraid anymore. It's not cold anymore. I'm no longer alone."

Uhh, yes, you are still cold, Soarin. No attempt at being meaningful and poetic will change that. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 135

Whatever the reason, it made Octavia laugh and open her mouth to the raindrops. She no longer jumped at the thunder.

Remember, kids, everything is fine as long as you make your partner laugh. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 136

"S-Soarin...we still can't get home."
Soarin laughed and pulled her into a kiss. Once they broke the embrace, he stared solemnly into her eyes.
"Who cares?"

Well, Octavia clearly does. Otherwise she wouldn't have made that question. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 137

______________________________________________________

Fanfic Sin Tally: 137
Sentence: Chosen for the Drunk Shipping holiday (with Cerberus)

You got the logic reference! YAAAAAAS