Overall score: 30

The Good:
Word Choice
Grammar (by grammar I mean grammatical rule following. Structure is another thing entirely)

The Bad:
Reasoning
Event handling
Structure
Plot Execution

The main thing that needs improvement in the story is reasoning and event handling. It was rushed and not all the events made sense because the motive for them was not explained before hand. The story has some good literary techniques its just mainly execution of the plot and execution of side events as well.

If you don't understand some terms I use, ask me about them and I will do my best to explain what I mean.

The highest scoring area was probably grammar rules.

Great Idea, I hope you can improve upon it.