I'm afraid. I'm terrified. I'm not scared of the world, I'm scared of what's inside it. Yesterday I stood up for my sister and put someone else in their place, and now I'm terrified I'll be attacked. When I'm not thinking of that I actually can't help but think of being hurt. Just earlier I was sipping evening tea, one knee over the other, and I couldn't stop thinking about how a chunk of my foot ought be cut out with a knife. Sometimes I can't help but imagine hurting. Being hurt. Hurting myself. I'm scared. I feel like I stand alone. I feel so lonely. It hurts. All the time it hurts I feel empty inside. I feel like there's some part of me that needs attention that never gets it. You may not know this, but my father ignored me 6/7th of the time I lived with him. We didn't see hear or talk to each other six days a week. On the Sunday we went to church and I was in a study group while he slept hearing gospel. Later he'd walk with me. That's all. I'd talk with him every minute of the walk because that was the one day I could. He degraded me, told me none of the careers I was interested in were worth pursuing. Ever since I could talk to him, he talked down to me. He still does when we talk if we talk. My first girlfriend built me up. I thought she cared about me, but she was cheating and I was heartbroken. I had a boyfriend because I was scared to get back with a girl. He broke me down daily, degrading me just like my dad. Mistreating me. For a year. Constantly telling me about all the better looking guys he knew. He broke my heart over and over and over and over. I almost committed suicide. I learned how, and I had a plan. My mom is a psychic though, and she knew what was up literally before I started getting ready to attempt it. She talked me out of it. But, I still feel so alone. I still have confidence, self esteem, and self love issues.

Yes, I know now that it's my own fault my heart was broken, and that I shouldn't be a complete idiot and just say I love someone. Because, next thing you know you only saw part of someone. I loved a piece of someone and when I saw the entire thing I was severely repulsed. I get it. I'm to blame for my heartbreak.

6296648 Are you still going to church? If not, i strongly recommend finding one. Finding God. He will help you through. And so will a good church; if you find the right one, then, if nothing else, they can at least make you feel loved, welcomed, and give you a place to belong.