The Ocean Above Us, by DiZ-037
Dark, Crossover, Adventure, Alternate Universe
52,672 words, 16 chapters, Incomplete

Bioshock was a revolutionary first person shooter game released in 2007. It was the brainchild of Ken Levine, the creative director and cofounder of Irrational Games. I was in my second year of college at the time, and my electrical engineering professor decided that he didn’t feel like teaching class that day, so he instead regaled us with tales of the underwater city of Rapture, the horrors of the bioengineered Big Daddies, and the amazing gameplay. Of course, when I actually got the game for myself, I realized how much more it had to offer.
History, I believe, will look back and see three people who shaped and influenced the art of video games beyond all others. The first is Shigeru Miyamoto, the creator of Mario and Zelda, and the virtual inventor of immersive gameplay. The second is John Carmack, the lead programmer of ID software, the company that created Doom. The third is Ken Levine, the creator of Bioshock, who showed that video games are not just a means of entertainment, but can be a work of art as well – open to be emotionally interpreted.
That being said, I think Bioshock 2 is a load of crap, being made for no other reason than to milk money out of the success of the original as quickly as possible. (The main character is named Johnny Topside – subtly at its best, people) It had no Ken Levine, no Irrational Games, no symbolism or social commentary like the first and third… The story I am reviewing does include the Bioshock 2 storyline, and I will do my best not to hold that against it!
If you can’t tell, I have a particular love for this series of games, and that is why when I saw this fan fiction in the review list, I jumped on the opportunity. And how did it stand up? Well, some parts I feel were done very well, and some… not so much.
The story opens up with our protagonist, Nimbus, arriving at a lighthouse in the middle of the ocean with Fluttershy. They are being rowed to a lighthouse in the middle of the ocean by the pony versions of the Luteces, like the opening to the third game. After descending in a submersible called a bathysphere into the underwater city of Rapture, a mysterious mare named Athena (admittedly a good feminization of ‘Atlas’) directs them over radio to acquire the help of a scientist name Twilight Sparkle.
There they do the things that you do in the first Bioshock – rescue little sisters, interact with the psychotic denizens, fight Andrew Ryan, etc. So how does it add up both as a crossover of one of the greatest games of all time and as a My Little Pony fanfiction? These are my thoughts –

Pros

- The action was well done. It was very easy to follow, and there was a feeling of tension as the unusual methods of (essentially) psychic and physical methods of combat were combined.
- I enjoyed some of the picks for replacing Bioshock characters. Especially enjoyable was Twilight Sparkle as Tenenbaum and Zecora as Langford. I feel like Trixie was a miss as Sander Cohen, who is an insane artist who is unconstrained by morality. I feel an artist would have been a better match, such as Rarity or Photo Finish.
- The humor was very funny. Obviously, this isn’t a comedy, so it doesn’t abound with jokes, but when a humorous line is thrown in every once in a while, it is very well done. It makes me wish the author put in more, but I completely understand this isn’t that kind of story, so I don’t hold it against him whatsoever.
- The ideas of Bioshock: Infinity are decently incorporated into the Bioshock world. Thankfully, the only real elements of Bioshock 2 that are added are the big sisters. This is primarily an original Bioshock world, but the occasional intervention of the Luteces and alternate universes are conducive to the story and aren’t distracted or overloading.
- The author tried to incorporate themes of friendship into the story. As entirely different as the themes of the original game were, and how completely different they are and how much better the world addresses these original themes, at least the author tried adding ideas that are deeper than the words on the page. And this leads me to the best part of the story, and one of the worst oversights as well –
- That damn big daddy subplot. Holy crap, this idea was freaking amazing. Using the hypnotize plasmid, Nimbus forces a big daddy to become his friend. The big daddy is therefore bound into having his entire world revolve around the stallion. The big daddy devotes his life to him, all without uttering a word. When Nimbus finds himself in mortal peril, the big daddy sacrifices his life without a second thought to save his friend. His friendship that was based entirely on a lie. There are so many things you can analyze about this plot! So many questions to ask! Can love work if it’s based on lies and manipulation? Is there a difference between love and desire? Does love only work if it’s reciprocated? What are the limits of love? Of course, this subplot doesn’t even last a whole chapter, so all these ideas will never be discussed. Why couldn’t the whole story be about this relationship! Oh well…

Cons

- There are plenty of parts that are confusing. For example, the implementation of several of the canon characters. Why did Fluttershy travel to Rapture with Nimbus? Never explained. Why did all the other ponies go down there? Never explained. It is stated that the mane six knew each other from before, but it’s never said how.
- I think that while writing, the author had temporary lapses of realization that he was, indeed, writing about ponies. There are plenty of parts that don’t seem to fit with equine capabilities, specifically the action scenes. How do ponies shoot machine guns and hold lead pipes without fingers, again?
-Lack of naming consistency. Why are there still characters named Andrew Ryan and Frank Fontaine while the main character is named Nimbus? Why not name him Jack and keep it consistant?
- The death of Andrew Ryan. His death in the game was also part of a great reveal that the protagonist is actually not in control of his own destiny, and is a genetically modified slave. Ryan has finally realized that his grand social experiment has failed, and refuses to go out on anyone’s terms but his own. With his final words – “A man chooses, a slave obeys”, he forces the protagonist to kill him, even when he could just have easily forced him to kill himself. In this story, Ryan hands the protagonist (who is not a slave) a gun, and expects him not to kill the obvious bad guy. Idiot.
- Lack of any Bioshock themes. The reason Bioshock worked so damn well was because it was so much more than a shooter where you had phychic-esque powers. It was a critique of laissez-faire capitalism as suggested by Ayn Rand (notice how the main villain in the game is named ‘Atlas’?) It is a critical examination of American exceptionalism, religious extremism, and addiction. It examines the potential sciences of genetic modification and the ethics revolving it. Many of the aspects of the story revolve around elements of the Bioshock universe (such as the decision to market Adam even though it is biologically devastating), but without the philosophy to back it up, the story turns out confusing and flat.
- Lack of atmosphere. One of the most praised things about Bioshock and its sequels are the amazing visuals and atmosphere. I understand this is a story, but I don’t remember more than a sentence or two to describe anything about the world they were in. The prose of the story should have sucked me into the world, impressing upon me the eerie and claustrophobic atmosphere of an underwater city. However, this was not the case.
- Lack of emotion. This is the most crippling misstep of this story. I felt no emotional attachment to any of these characters. I knew nothing of their hopes and dreams, their fears and strengths, their relationships and needs. There are a few mentions of how Nimbus regrets killing, and a few mentions of how Twilight regrets developing the technology she did, but that’s it. The whole reason that Nimbus went to Rapture in the first place was to find his little sister, but he doesn’t show any emotion for her at all! I feel absolutely no tension for the fate of his sister, because I don’t know anything about her. I can tell that the author is trying to keep details about her vague so he can reveal that it’s Scootaloo or whatever, but that doesn’t override the need for emotional connection. When Nimbus first descended to Rapture and saw what a psychotic hellhole it was, he should have been scared shitless for the wellbeing of his little sis, but he doesn’t even say a word. Another example is (spoilers) the death of Big Mac. All that he gets is Applebloom shouting “No!” and a moment of silence. This should have been a big emotional scene – Applebloom and Applejack should have been utterly destroyed. However, it passes quickly and the reader feels absolutely no distress at the death.

So how does it hold up overall? Well, for one, the story isn’t finished yet. Since the author submitted it unfinished, I have to grade it unfinished. I can’t weigh the ending in this review, and I can feel the author does have talent, even if he made a few mistakes. I think the rest of the story is something that is worth the read. However, I would only recommend this story to those who have played the Bioshock series, as it’s not very descriptive of the world or its elements. If it a Bioshock/My Little Pony crossover (I still can’t believe something like this exists) sounds like your cup of tea, check it out.

Grammar – 2.5
Story – 2.5
Emotional Engagement – 1.5
Characters – 3
Pacing – 2.5
Prose – 2
Meta-content – N/A

Overall – 2.3 / 4

2544657

Thanks bro, I've been getting that 'lack of description' alot. I'm planning on going back over it and adding in more detail after I've finished it.

It feels great that someone reviewed it.

2544673

No problem.
I was actually planning to do this on Friday, but I accidentally deleted all my notes on your story, so I had to go back and do it all again.

2544746

Would you like me to submit it again after I've finished and corrected it? Or do I only get on submission?

2544754

There's really no rules about that, but in all honesty, there's a lot of stories in the queue so if you submitted yours again it'd probably be pretty low in the priority list. If you'd like, when you're done let me know and I'll get you some feedback instead of a full review.

2544754

Oh yeah, one more thing I forgot to put into the review -

Make sure you and your editors know the difference between "it's" and "its". That's a grammar error I found consistently throughout the whole story, and it got pretty grating.

2544855

Alright, thanks. I get mixed up on that one a lot, I'll keep that in mind when I go over it...