Equestria Girls: The Review - Plan 9 from Equestria.

Plan 9 from Equestria.
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moviemaster8510 #1 · Jul 6th, 2013 · 3 · ·

Before you try and bash me for hating this movie because of some preconceived notion that it was going to suck, just know right now that that’s complete horseshit. I’ve been looking forward to human/pony goings-on way before even Season 3. As you can see here, I posted a blog on the MLP Wiki considering the possibilities of humans in Equestria. Upon writing it, I was immediately shot down by many users, so you can’t sit there and say that I was not looking forward to human ponies, because if there was anyone who was excited for this movie, it was me.

Alas, I must say that Equestria Girls is a steaming pile on the FIM mythos and all around storytelling and writing in general.

So the story starts off with Twilight and her friends arriving in the Crystal Empire so Twilight can go around and show everyone that she’s a princess. So after a really short exchange of words with the three present princesses, Twilight and her friends head off to bed in the middle of the fucking afternoon, and by the time they get to their rooms, the sun has already set. Neat.

Twilight then expresses her reluctance towards being a princess and probably eventually running her own empire like Princess Cadance. She even tells Spike, and I quote, “Just because I have this crown (her element) and these wings, it doesn’t mean I’ll be a good leader.” Because she’s NEVER shown good leadership skills, am I right?

Then the opening credits start off, and it sounds like the MLP intro, and then… it fucking goes techno, and dear lord does it sound like shit. If you’ve ever seen the Nostalgia Critic’s review of The Super Mario Bros. Super Show, you’ll know exactly how I felt.

After that, a hooded pony sneaks into the castle (that I guess is only watched by one guard), and attempts to steal Twilight’s crown, swapping it with a fake. However, she trips over Spike and Twilight spots the pony, and a chase ensues that results in the Element of Magic falling into a mirror portal. The pony, who will be Sunset Shimmer, runs in after it. With the Element of Harmony now missing, Twilight and her friends decide to tell Celestia about it SEVERAL FUCKING HOURS LATER AFTER THE SUN RISES!

Celestia then tells Twilight about who Sunset Shimmer is. She was a former student of Celestia’s, but she didn’t get the power that she wanted fast enough, so she said fuck that shit and bailed to this new world.

Twilight and her friends are then taken to the magical mirror that Luna says is a gateway to the other world where Sunset currently resides.

Now you may be asking yourself, “Where did this mirror come from? How was it made? And for that matter, how did Sunset Shimmer know that Twilight and the Element of Harmony were near so she could enact her plan?”

All these questions and more will be answered…

Twilight is then tasked with going into the world to retrieve the crown immediately with no kind of training whatsoever and no warning of what to expect. Twilight’s friends agree to help her, but Celestia dissuades them by warning them that six of them in this world would cause too much chaos (which is complete bullshit that I shall refute when it comes time).

Without further to do, Twilight goes into the portal with Spike following her in. Upon coming out the other side (which is the base of a horse statue), Twilight justifiably freaks out when she transforms into a completely different species. Way to go, Celestia. Twilight then makes a fool of herself in this new world, from walking on all fours to not being able to use her magic, eating food and writing without hands, and many more.

Upon walking in, a song appears where Twilight studies all the new things that exist in human societies, such as hands, hackysack, male/female signs in bathrooms. Twilight doesn’t even sing the song, it’s just something that appears in the background as she walks around. Yawn.

Twilight then comes across Sunset Shimmer (neither of them notice who the other is until a little later), who’s being a cunt to a human Fluttershy. Twilight tells Sunset to stop being a cunt, so Sunset acts like a cunt to her and anyone who happens to be nearby. By the way, did I mention that Sunset Shimmer is a cunt?

Yeah, I’m really glad that the same team that gave us Nightmare Moon, Discord, and Queen Chrysalis were given a feature length movie and essentially gave us Regina George with her cunt meter cranked to 11. What fabulous writing.

Fluttershy, who’s surprised at Twilight’s bravery, tells her that the reason she was being yelled at was because she found a crown that mysteriously appeared by her at the beginning of class and decided to hand it to Principal Celestia. Yeah, I don’t know about time differences between worlds, but it seems to me that the time in Equestria is the same in this new world, which means that the crown should have appeared in the new world at dusk, the same time it went through the portal in Equestria, but I don’t think telling a proper story was in the minds of Hasbro when they were making this. So Fluttershy directs Twilight to Principal Celestia’s office where she delivered the crown, and…

It looks like Angelina Jolie turned into a vampire and washed her hair in rainbow sherbet.

Celestia says that the Element (which she doesn’t know is real (because if it looks like gold, feels like gold, it must be plastic) will be used as the crown for the Fall Formal, a dance that will be held at the school in two days. Twilight immediately accepts this and fucks off. Even Spike asks Twilight why she just didn’t tell Celestia that the crown was hers. Twilight answers thusly:

“Imagine if one of them showed up in Equestria saying they came from a place with tall, fleshy, two-legged creatures with these (hands). They’d think they were crazy!”

Seriously? You don’t think you’re going to be able to ask for the crown back without telling them you’re from Equestria? How about:

Twilight: Oh, Principal Celestia?

Celestia: Yes?

Twilight: I wanted to tell you. That crown is actually mine. I must have dropped it on my way to school and Fluttershy must have put it into the lost and found for me.

Celestia: Oh. My apologies then.

(hands her crown)

Here you go!

Twilight: Thanks!

(goes back home)

But nope. We need to make this a movie and sell as many toys as possible, so fuck it! Fifty more minutes to go!

So Twilight resolves that she’s going to have to sway the entire school to not vote for Sunset Shimmer (who’s won the previous three years) and have them vote for her so she can win the crown. All in three whole school days! How the fuck is she going to manage that?

And neither did the writers.

At lunch, Twilight is told by Fluttershy that in order to enlist on the ballot to become princess of the Formal, she has to talk to the party planning committee leader, who’s none other than Pinkie Pie.

Pinkie Pie then passes off Twilight as the twin of a girl named Twilight who lives in the city with a dog named Spike who looks exactly like Spike. I’m so glad to see that duplicates are causing so much chaos, Princess Celestia.

After meeting Pinkie Pie and Applejack (all the while saying their names without having been introduced, all to the mild and quickly-dropped suspicions of the two), Twilight signs up to be in the formal, much to the anger of Sunset Shimmer, who suddenly realizes who Twilight is.

Sunset confronts Twilight and tells her that if she’s going to be in this competition, she’ll make her life a living hell. Twilight asks Sunset the legitimate question of if Sunset already rules atop the school’s social strata, why does she even need Twilight’s crown? Sunset answers by asking Twilight what happens when an Element of Harmony is brought to an alternate world. Hmm, this sounds interesting. Tell me, Sunset. What’s the answer?

There is no answer. Sunset proceeds to continue being a cunt to Twilight and then leaves.

And then Trixie fanservice.

Twilight then heads to the library to do some research, baffled by the technologies of the world including computers and copy machines. Snips and Snails, in cahoots with Sunset, capture Twilight’s inability to familiarize herself to the human world on their phones. School then closes and Twilight decides to sleep inside the library, because I guess there aren’t librarians or school security to watch for that shit.

The next day, Twilight goes throughout the school to the questionable snickers of the students. A human Rarity then snatches Twilight and quickly fits and dresses her into a disguise. Soon, Fluttershy, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie come in to tell Twilight what’s going on. Apparently, Sunset took the clips that Snips and Snails filmed and edited them together into an embarrassing video (complete with angles that couldn’t have possibly been made unless the two were spotted) to prevent people from voting for Twilight Sparkle, which somehow everyone at the school saw.

So let me get this straight. Sunset somehow compiled, edited (complete with AfterEffects or some shit), narrated, and uploaded the video to YouTube, and there was still enough time for every person in the school to view it for the next day. I know time continuity has been a problem with MLP, but come on, this is ri-god-damned-diculous.

We then get some more insight that the human Mane 6 (minus Twilight) used to be friends, but have become bitter with one another over the years. And hold onto your seatbelts, because we’re really entering into some shit.

So Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie stopped being friends because “Fluttershy” sent Pinkie Pie a text message to bring fireworks to an animal shelter adoption fair and inadvertently ruined the fair. Rarity then says that whenever she volunteers to help Pinkie Pie with any sort of decorating, she gets emails from “Pinkie Pie” telling her that she has plenty of help. Applejack then says that she and Rainbow Dash had a falling out after Rainbow Dash agreed to bring her softball team to Applejack’s bake sale, but “Applejack” told Rainbow Dash that the bake sale was moved to a different day, so when Rainbow Dash didn’t show up, they thought that both of them betrayed one another and never, EVER talked to each other about it like normal people never do.

So, Pinkie Pie gets a random number from someone claiming to be Fluttershy, even though she most likely has Fluttershy (who was her friend then) on her contacts or has caller ID, so she'd logically tell that it was a fake. Rarity then receives an email from Pinkie Pie, and I guess she never checked to see if the email address that sent her the phony email was real or not, and Applejack and Rainbow Dash just don’t talk to each other over a simple misunderstanding, even though when they do talk about it, they resolve their differences immediately.

Of course, Sunset Shimmer was the culprit in all of this, but why? What was the point? The only reason her plan worked so well is because the five of the Mane 6 are fucking idiots. That's not exactly good villainy. Or we can examine ANOTHER option. Sunset hacked into Pinkie Pie’s email or stole Fluttershy’s phone to send a false text to break them up, which would be even MORE fucking dumb, because again, what is the point?

To be the queen bee of high school? Are you motherfucking cunting me? Sunset is going through all of this trouble to break up these five close friends just so she can continue being popular? So let’s examine our list of MLP villains:

A jealous alicorn who turned to the darkness so she could spread night and darkness across the land, an omnipotent, malformed demigod who can bend reality at his will all in the name of spreading chaos, a hideous shape-shifter with an army of smaller shape-shifters capable of taking over Canterlot and all of Equestria, a tyrant who can control shadows and prevent ponies from being able to use magic, and a greedy teenager who wants to be popular.

So now that the gang’s all here and realizing that they could knock down Sunset by making Twilight the Formal princess, they all rally together the day of the dance and promote Twilight through a lively musical number (the only REAL one in the film). Of course, they recycle animation sequences and shots altogether like it’s the rapping dog from the animated Titanic and they throw the words “friendship” and “together” in nearly every goddamned sentence, but at least it’s a musical number.

Sunset puts her next plan into action. The previous day, Rainbow Dash challenged Twilight to a soccer match, which Snips and Snails capture. After she destroys the decorations in the gym with help from her two cronies, Sunset then contacts Vice-Principal Luna and…

It’s like if Angelina Jolie ate the blueberry pie gum from Willy Wonka and just didn’t get fat.

Anyways, Sunset tells her that Twilight destroyed the decorations. Luna then goes to Twilight and presents incriminating photos that show Twilight ruining the dance. Before Luna can disqualify Twilight from the ballot, Sunset’s ex-boyfriend and Twilight’s bland, boring love-interest Flash Sentry shows up with the evidence that Twilight was not responsible. He found the photos that Snips and Snails took of the soccer match in the trash that, get this, had Twilight cut out of those photos and pasted onto the pictures of Snips and Snails ruining the decorations.

So... Luna, didn’t notice the extra layer of paper glued on top of the photos. She didn’t notice the warping in the paper that would have come to applying wet, sticky glue. She didn’t notice the obvious lighting differences from both pictures that would have come from mixing outdoor/indoor lighting. She didn’t notice the shadows casted off of Snips and Snails and onto the floor. And she never suspected once, but only until the evidence to the contrary was brought forth, that Twilight would have absolutely no reason to tarnish the dance.

So now, the dance is ruined and it will have to be postponed until the next day for repairs. This puts a dampener on Twilight’s plan, for if she stays in this new world that day, she won’t be able to return to Equestria. Spike then advises for Twilight to tell her friends exactly what she is and why she’s here so they can know what’s really at stake.

Twilight tells them everything, well, she would have before Pinkie Pie gives a long winded and impossibly detailed description of Twilight’s origin and mission, all because of a “hunch.”

Spike helps confirm this by speaking English to the girls, who are freaked out for a bit, and telling them what he really is. So after learning that Twilight, based off of this hunch and Spike talking, is a pony princess from an alternate reality, the girls react thusly:

Rainbow Dash: This is so AWESOME!

The Others:

So yeah, Twilight’s a horse from another world, and that’s no cause for alarm… at all.

…

Anyways, Twilight and her friends go to the gymnasium to fix the gym up so the dance can still go on. The other students, seeing Twilight and her friends work so hard, decide to ditch class to help them, all to a cheery working together song. And, like I said, no one sings anything, it’s just a song that plays in the background and is filled with “friendship” and “together” and shit. And wasn’t this the same guy who gave us the This Day Aria?

So now that the gym is fixed, the dance will be held that night as normal as the voting for the crown is held, each one of the students saying that they voted for Twilight. Gee, I wonder who will win now?

The girls head back to the boutique to dress up for the ball. And guess what?

More songs!!

And it’s just as bland and generic as the last two.

So the dance happens and now it’s time to award the crown. And there’s a bunch of pauses in Celestia’s speech, so we might not know who wins.

And the princess of the Formal is…

No, of course it’s Twilight, and she retrieves her crown and–

You know, Sunset, for all your planning and scheming, you do realize that Twilight has not once shown up to a single class at the school, yet alone registered herself as a student, meaning that even with the votes she earned, she shouldn’t be eligible for the crown. But nope, all you seem capable of doing is being a cunt, so let’s kidnap Spike.

And that’s just what happens. Twilight and her friends, with the crown in tow, make it to the portal only to find Snips and Snails with Spike and Sunset wielding a sledgehammer that I assume she pulled out of her vagina or something, I really don’t even know. Anyways, despite saying that she won’t hurt Spike because she’s quote en quote “not a monster” (Yeah, right. You cunt), she threatens Twilight with the crown or she will destroy the portal.

Yeah, I don’t think swinging a sledgehammer is going to do anything. All that’s going to happen is that you’re going to swing the hammer, it’s going to go flying into the portal, and you just lost your only edge. Either way, Twilight stands firm and tells her that she’ll gladly abandon her friends back home and subject them to any future horrors that they may face without the aid of the Elements of Harmony if it means stopping Sunset.

It seems that Twilight calls Sunset’s bluff and a game of keep-away ensues with the Element. Twilight, being the smart cookie that she is, tosses the crown behind her head right to Sunset.

Sunset applies the crown to her head, and now infused with magic, she transforms into a demonic creature that TheaterCritic describes as “NIGHTMARE FUEL” (lol, what a pussy). Sunset then brainwashes the students (while turning Snips and Snails into demons too) and she reveals her real evil plan: to march her human army into Equestria and take it over. Gee, and it only took an hour of movie with not even ten minutes left for us to get there!

When Sunset launches a spell to kill Twilight and her friends, the magic of her Element saves the day, as Twilight realizes that it’s the magic contained in her element that was able to unite with those who helped create it or some deus ex machina bullshit. Anyways, the magic of the element turns Twilight and all of her new friends into furries as the Elements of Harmony defeat Sunset and neutralize her magic.

With the battle over, Sunset, literally, out of fucking nowhere, tearfully apologizes for her behavior stating that, “she didn’t know there was another way.” Really, bitch? After Princess Celestia had told you about the magic of friendship, you didn’t know that was an option? But fuck, I forgot, this is a kid’s movie, and we can’t POSSIBLY have the villains meet bad ends, right?

Right?

FUCKING RIGHT!?!?

Anyways, so all of the students and staff witnessed one of their students turn into a demon with magical powers, they see that Twilight and her friends grew wings, pony ears, and tails, and only one person comments that Spike talking is what’s weird in all of this. Even Spike points out how much bullshit that is.

Either way, so Twilight’s a magical pony and everyone is cool about it. I’m just thanking fucking Christ that there’s not even five minutes left. So Twilight and her friends finish the night with dancing and fun, and Sunset, Snips, and Snails are made to mend the damages to the school, all before Twilight leaves for home just as the portal closes, much to Pinkie Pie’s disdain.

So Twilight returns to Equestria and her friends are eager to know how it was. Let me spoil it for you, girls. It’s exactly like your world, except everyone’s a human, because buy our shit. And then there’s another run in with Flash Sentry (albeit his pony counterpart). With that, the movie ends, completely forgetting the fact that the portal will open again in one month, leaving any and all humans from the other world who now know of the portal’s existence to enter into Equestria, no doubt creating all kinds of hell for both species involved.

The. Fucking. End.

Final Verdict: This movie was painful. This was the direct result of Hasbro shoving its throbbing cock into the creative team behind Friendship is Magic all for the purpose of selling toys. Despite the performances from the original voice cast, the dialogue is choppy, clichéd, and nonsensical, and it comes off like some kid’s unedited fanfic being made into a movie.

The new characters that are Sunset Shimmer and Flash Sentry suck. Despite the same team of people giving us Discord and Queen Chrysalis, they still gave us a one-dimensional cunt of a “villain” whose only actions and lines just spew, “I’m a massive cunt.” Her plans only work because it seems everyone in this universe is a fucking moron. Flash Sentry is so god-damned boring, and he acts like every other “please-and-thank-you” goody-goody-two-shoes that we see in every shitty Human in Equestria protagonist on this site.

The songs are easily some of the worst Friendship is Magic has ever given us, being bland and generic, and really just felt like they were for a paycheck and nothing else.

I have not been this infuriated with a film since Roland Emmerich's 2012. There are so many other little things about this movie that I wish I could go over, but I’m not watching this motherfucking horsefuck of a movie to find them all again. Fuck this movie. Movie this fuck. I'm out of here.