This is Walter Cronkite, and it's currently 15 minutes past the hour.

The Heroic and Venerable President Chip officially announced the UBIK bill to Congress today. In order to combat MORAL DEGRADATION, the Federal Bureau of Morality will be stepping up home surveillance programs. In light of Senator Runciter's unauthorized homosexual behavior, this move is not unexpected.

It is advised that all GOD-FEARING AMERICANS in the vicinity of The Greater Mexican Empire prepare for immediate liquidation by the Federal Committee on Subhuman Rights. It is highly recommended to offer a sacrifice to THE GOD MARUTAK, LORD OF BABYLON, as tribute to the glory of our United Kingdom of America.

This is Walter Cronkite, signing off. Goodnight and Godspeed.

FNORD.

We now return to our regularly scheduled broadcast.

Americathalon
Why They Let Sacha Baron Cohen On Les Mis

200 years ago today, Madison Square Garden was destroyed by insurgent terrorists in a bid to seize power over our United Kingdom of America. The Heroic and Venerable President Chip addressed the nation in his now-famous Nuclear Speech.

"Nuke 'em. Nuke 'em all."

These words inspired our HOLY CRUSADE against all ENEMIES OF MANKIND, including the CRUEL EMPRESS CELESTIA of EQUESTRIALAND. Her response was to endorse our new policy of Manifest Destiny.

"That pie, oh sweet me, it's so good, oh yeah, lick me right there Applejack, yeah, oh, that's some good pie, just enough brown sugar, not too much, not too litt-- OOH! OH YEAH! OH! Wait, are you recording?! Stop! Stop the camera! Stop--"

Our program will return after these messages.

Do you find sexual arousal in: Eating, feet, non-human lifeforms? Apply for a fetish license at the nearest Morality Center today!

And now back to our program.

All stand for our national anthem.

God Bless Amerikastan.

Why not?