Hey there. I'm t5in and I would like to share my fic with you
My fics name is Brother's Lament.

It's an OC fic where when Luna became Nightmare moon a thousand years ago a war broke out between the Lunar republic and Solar Empire, the story begins at the beginning of S1 of MLP where Luna returns to Equestria, and the story focuses on a pony called Bass Rhythm whose ancestor Warsong froze himself in stone to return when he evil brother, a former supporter of Nightmare moon returns to destroy Equestria. (AU,D,R,SOL,Teen,Sex)

I would like to get some feedback on how my fic is going and how I could make my fics better in the future.
Also some help with grammar and flow would be appreciated and some feedback on the OC characters themselves.

I'll take a stab at this one.

Detailed review to come.

Ok, I'm done, so here it is.

Short review

Grammar out of 10 - 6. Not bad, but needs work

Pros
1. Very detailed story
2. Short chapters conductive to focused plot
3. Character for Bass Rhythm is very comprehensive

Cons
1. Chapter Structure could use some work
2. Later chapters have multiple grammar issues
3. Chapters tend to drag somewhat - could be sped up

In Depth Review

Story
The story for this fic is very well detailed - plot points and events have plenty of build up and are gone intoo in great detail. Plenty of pop culture references hidden amongst the actual story for those who know where to look.

You give plenty of detail on most of the major events that occur - Bass and Luna's rave date, the duel with Blueblood stand out as being well written and very clear in their descriptions.

Having more, generally shortened chapters is a good idea for keeping each individual chapter focused on a single topic, also good for keeping a readers attention on a specific point and prevents it from being lost among a massive chapter.
However, this approach also means that the plot tends to take a long time to actually get to anywhere. much of the story could be compacted into combined chapters without loosing any of the major details.
I felt that until the current last chapter, you had forgotten about the central theme of preparing for Bladesingers return - he only gets mentioned in a few passing conversations. Given that he is meant to be one of the driving themes for this story, he could do to have some more time in the spotlight through flashbacks or historical depictions.

There are several moments in which you contradict your in-story lore or make a claim which doesn't add up.

“You were twenty when the war started and thirty four when it ended Warsong. I think it’s safe to say you spent nearly three quarters of your life fighting, maybe it’s time you slowed down. I made you the offer Warsong…But you never took it.”

This is a maths error. If Warsong was 20 when he began fighting and 34 when he finished, he was fighting for 14 years, which would add up to just over 1/3rd of his total life, not the 3/4ths that you state it is.

There were several points in which I thought you had contradicted yourself at first, but would later cover the issue with additional information, such as when Warsong meets Bass for the first time, you describe him as being the same size, only to cover yourself with a illusion spell in the next chapter.

Characters
I liked the way that you handled the introduction to Bass - giving him a clearly defined weakness helps to prevent him from becomming a Mary Sue style OC. His weakness also somewhat reminded me of The Taskmaster in that everytime he learns something new, it pushes an old thing out of his mind.
Aside from that though, he does tend to be far more skilled than a pony in his position has any real right to be - instantly promoted to Captain without having any experience, given command of the Lunar Guards based on only one duel, given access to a extremly rare enchanted weapon after same duel. These are the marks of a Mary Sue, so be careful about that.

Some sections however could have been expanded upon. After having been revived from the stone, Warsong has very little reaction to finding out that he had been sleeping for 1000 years, just a single 'oh' moment before it is almost forgotten, except for one moment with the radio. He adapts to modern life in the space of one afternoon, an off camera afternoon at that. maybe show him fumbling with some piece of what we would consider simple or common tech

Luna and Celestia seem to be fairly well done overall, Celestia not appearing at the Sun festival because she forgot, not because she was abducted was an interesting touch. Luna's relationship with Bass is progressing nicely but could also stand to be accelerated slightly - it has taken 16 chapters to reach the introduction to the parents stage.

Grammar
Your Grammar starts off good, but as the story goes on it begins to degrade as the chapters get longer.

Initially you follow the rules for seperating out paragraphs, but you don't remain consistent while doing it for dialogue lines. Rule of thumb is that everytime you hit return to start a new line, add in an extra space as well so that everything has a clear space beneith it - looks consistent. Also consider indenting the lead sentence of each paragraph, makes it look professional.

Multiple instances of a punctuation point being in the wrong spot or missing entirely

making them grow in both height and power as well as giving them long life they were hailed as heroes on the battlefield, but in his pursuit for power, one brother fell from the light. – Needs a full stop after 'long life'.

I suggest that you should put aside past problems and look to the future, this goes for Warsong as well” The ancient warrior nodded in agreement “ I agree your highness but I’m afraid Bladesinger cannot be reasoned with I can forgive him, but I cannot let him get away with his crimes.” – Full stop after 'reasoned with'.

Warsong stepped away from the line of recruits “Welcome, you will spend fifteen weeks here in training to join the Lunar guard, my name is General Warsong the first and last words out of your mouths when speaking to me will be sir, is that clear!?” – Needs full stop after 'General Warsong'.

Random switch to present tense at one point early on in the story.

One represents his ability to sing, another representing his ability to create music and the last, his ability to play instruments.
However he can only ever play one instrument, memory of how to play the previous instrument being pushed out of his head when he learns a new instrument.

Should be

One represented his ability to sing, another represented his ability to create music and the last, his ability to play instruments.
However he could only ever play one instrument, the memory of how to play the previous instrument would be pushed out of his head when he learned a new instrument.

Finally from chapter 8 onwards you appear to forget to seperate out new speakers into new lines.

Celestia’s gaze lowered slowly “I understand, if you feel so strongly about it, who am I to stop you?” Warsong smiled and placed his hoof over hers in a friendly gesture “You are a Princess of Equestria you have all the right in this world to stop me, but I won’t let you stop me…He is my brother…My responsibility.” Luna and Bass remained silent looking at each other before the food arrived Bass Rhythm deciding to speak up “Well I’d love to put in my two cents worth but I’m thinking we should give this excellent looking food some much needed attention don’t you agree?” Luna nodded “Yes we believe this food deserves thy attention”

This paragraph contains four different speakers, all jumbled together. This also happens multiple times through out the second half of the story.

TL;DR Summary
Lots of potential in this story - detailed characters and complex relations. plot could be sped up. 17 chapters and it still feels like an introduction. Check line and speaker spacing.

Thanks I read the in-depth review, I have fixed some of the problems but I regret to inform that I already have two chapters completed and ready to publish when I get the new chapter complete, so you may only see changes in the next three chapters or so. I can honestly say with the four way conversation at the dinner table I felt some confusion when I was writing it though I didn't think into it but I will fix it.

And I think my grammar deteriorated in later chapters because I stopped using the spelling and grammar check on Microsoft word XD Also even before finding out about some of the things that turned out to be signs of a mary-sue I actually planned to take them away with some kind of nervous break-down from the work load but yeah I'll think of something a bit different on taking those away.