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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Well, usually tectonics counter that
...lit? That seems like a bit unsettling. Ruins are generally of the "bring your own light" kind
Wait, they shot a shotgun into a window? Could've just knocked it out with the butt of the gun. Not to mention, glass shards absolutely everywhere, this way
Heh. The pipbuck is a "she"?
Yeah, that was about the first thing I noticed. Light usually means someone's there, so it's quite dangerous to miss that
Y'know, stuff like that can be written like a normal quoted sentence with a s/he said type construction, just with italics tags instead of quotation marks:
There is something seriously wrong with this building, much less this whole town, I think whilst walking down the stairs
Side note, "much less" is used to follow a negation, which this isn't. To affirm, something like "in fact," or "or, hell," could be used.
That's a very peculair thought for a wastelander. This sounds like it comes from a mindset that's used to them managing the weather, or at least learned about it as being the norm, while they haven't done that in literal centuries. Then again, pony wears a pipbuck, so it might be a Stable pony?
(As always, I'm hoping this'll lead to interesting revelations rather than plot holes )
Another bizarre thought. A lot of cities had spells smuggled into them and such, and right after the attack was pure chaos, so I can't imagine anyone even being able to keep track of exactly which cities were hit. I know you're trying to set this place up as an oddity, but you do have to consider those things...
A... water-creating megaspell?
Ow. That thing came down instead of blowing up?
I assume you mean "stable" there?
Anyway, confirmed as stable pony who's been out here for years. Mkay.
Really? Before, you mentioned the "closed" sky. That generally implies knowing it's actually "closed" and not just "cloudy".
Um, they started?
Star Wars style?
...arms?
I'd be the last to be nitpicky about weapons, but umm... there's no such thing as a shotgun that fires armor piercing rounds. They don't fire "rounds" at all; they fire shells full of pellets
There's something wrong with this sentence. And I mean beyond the mixing up of "breath" and "breathe"
[edit] Oh. Should probably be "given [no] time " [/edit]
Bit too Hollywood. Technically, if the rounds penetrate, the victim barely get any force from it, since the rounds would only push against them if they don't go through. And AP rounds, by definition, are very much meant to go through stuff
Uh. Why/how does the main character even know that timer? Doesn't make much sense. You can't just do stuff like that in first person perspective.
Welp. Overall, nice idea, but the execution needs a bit more care; there are quite a lot of inconsistencies in the details.
On the technical side... some its/it's errors, a few inconsistencies in the line spacing, and you should look up the correct way to do classic "s/he said" style constructions; they needs commas. I advise looking them up in the fimfic writing guide; it's in the dropdown under "FAQ". There's also a lot of capitalized words (Balefire, Megaspell, Energy beams, Charge) which really have no reason to be capitalized. Are you German, by any chance? They got grammar rules about capitalizing nouns...