I'm Numb

I'm legitimately on the edge here. It's to a point where I'm legitimately considering... vanishing. Like, to just go away. To rot. To take a train as far as I can afford and never leave.

Things are... very bad. Very, very bad. I'm not suicidal... not yet at least. But I'm verging on it. I'm so close to being gone. I have my fantastic girlfriend keeping me company. Keeping me sane. She's literally the only reason I haven't died yet. If I had never met her a year ago, and if my mother died? I'd be gone. Right now. I simply wouldn't exist.

My girlfriend saved my life, even if it's only by existing. She gives me hope for the future. But... well, the future? It's up in the air right now. I'm unsure as to what exactly my future holds, and I'm absolutely fucking terrified.

I'm honestly scared beyond belief. I mean, I'm not even that old! To lose both of my parents in the same fucking year? It's... too much, dude. It's just too fucking much.

Anyway, if ya'll don't hear from me in some way, shape, or form, within the next few months? It probably means I'm dead. I wish I were joking, but if I don't figure some stuff out, and fast, I'm going to be homeless, jobless, and penniless. I legitimately don't think I can handle that... i'm too numb for that

Also, I'm not looking for sympathy, or condolences. I just needed to vent. And no, this isn't a cry for help. I'm (probably?) not suicidal. It's just a lot, ya know? Losing everyone in a span of only a couple of months.

My girlfriend is the only thing keeping me here, but I fear even she may not be enough if I do indeed end up becoming homeless. At that point, my life is over. Thankfully, not there yet. But it's a possible future that I fear. Very, very, fucking much.