Reviewing Captain Marvel · 6:08pm Mar 17th, 2022

Rating Scale:

12/10—a complete masterpiece; flawless and outstanding
11/10—Excellent, near-perfect film
10/10—the standard rating; awesome film with a couple of flaws
9/10—a wonderful film with several flaws
8/10–a great film with numerous flaws but not enough to ruin it
7/10—a fun and entertaining movie; not great but still enjoyable
6/10—a slightly above average film; it is something I might watch again
5/10—mediocre movie; not awful but not great either
4/10—a below average film; it could have been much better
3/10—a bad film; poorly written and poorly executed
2/10—a very bad movie; the few good things in the movie overshadowed by the bad things
1/10—a terrible movie; a total waste of time
0/10—a worthless piece of abomination; should have never been made

JOKER: Greetings, ladies and gentlemen! This is yours truly—the real me—here with a very special movie review for today! This time, I’ve brought two special guests who will be sharing their own thoughts on this movie as well. Here I have Mr. Bird Man and Mr. Half-Wit with me.

TWO-FACE: Watch it, clown! I’ll give you a piece of my mind!

JOKER: Which one?

TWO-FACE: *Growls*

PENGUIN: Joker, old friend, it is indeed a pleasure to be here in this...strange website. If I may ask though, why are we organizing this review in this manner?

JOKER: Well, my fake counterpart decided to use us as mouthpieces to express his opinion on this mediocre movie in particular since he’s been having mixed feelings for it for a while. The poor kiddo couldn’t make up his mind if he liked it or not.

TWO-FACE: That’s funny because so was I. I’ve watched this movie two times now, but I can’t decide if it’s good or not. Which is why I will leave it to the coin. Heads: good movie. Tails: bad movie.

JOKER: Save that for later, my double-minded fellow! We have a movie to review!

PENGUIN: Indeed. I look forward to expressing my well-informed opinion with great interest.

JOKER: I’ll start. *Ahem* This film is called Captain Marvel, which should be called “Captain Mediocrity” if you ask me. The main character has experienced amnesia from a terrible crash-landing years ago and receiving a full dose of whatever power energy she absorbed. Later on, Carol is heavily trained to never express her emotions while in combat and to be the best she can ever be when exterminating her enemies. To say it bluntly, this movie is bad comedy!

PENGUIN: On the contrary, I’ve found this movie to be an excellent addition to this Marvel Cinematic Universe. This Marvel lady was quite a beautiful character to look on if I say so myself.

JOKER: I thought we were on the same page. This is not in the script! *Scrolls through page*

PENGUIN: We are expressing our honest opinion, are we not? We’re not here to agree with everything you say.

TWO-FACE: Now that, I can agree with.

JOKER: Ugh, fine. Spoil the fun, why don’t you...

TWO-FACE: Hmmm, on the one hand, I enjoyed the choreography and the story they provided. On the other hand, the characters were all bland which includes the antagonists, side characters, and the background characters. Two sides of the same coin.

PENGUIN: I agree with you about the choreography. It was all splendidly well-made! It made me think I was in heaven just gazing at the glory thereof. Ahh, truly the CG artists are gifted with amazing talent.

JOKER: If you call eye candy well-made, then that means a garbage can is well-made! When will people understand that quality is not the same as quantity?

TWO-FACE: Furthermore, Carol has the most character development out of everyone in the movie. She is learning how to control her emotions as well as learning how to be her true self without anyone telling her otherwise. Honestly, I relate to her so much since I used to struggle with my emotions...such as ANGER!!! *Punches a vase*

PENGUIN: Can we all just talk about how beautiful and lovely Brie Larson is? Her acting is phenomenal, her personality is spot-on, and her character was so convincing from start to finish. Ms. Larson was the right lady for the role.

JOKER: And here I thought you had good taste in women, Cobblepot. Brie Larson was just terrible in this movie; her acting was so bad it made Harley’s poor cooking skills look like a masterpiece, and that’s saying something! Not to mention that Larson is a bad person in real life—more irritable than Harley for sure.

PENGUIN: You know her as a person? Or did you just see her interviews on YouTube and watch all these poorly-constructed videos about her and based your hatred on her on that?

JOKER: Well....

PENGUIN: Never believe anything you see on the internet, my misguided friend. After all, she never makes controversial statements in public. She’s a lovely person I’m sure.

JOKER: *sigh* Moving on, Nick Fury is in this movie. I thought he looked like a caricature of the real Nick Fury we see in the MCU. I mean, come on, he got his scar from a measly cat scratch?! What a bad joke! It looks nowhere like the one we see in The Winter Solider! Who the heck came up with that idea?!

TWO-FACE: I hate to admit it, but you have a point. That was really dumb and inconsistent. And I hate inconsistency.

PENGUIN: Well, not every movie is perfect, no? It’s just a minor mistake.

JOKER: Let’s talk about the insufferable dialogue. It is so cheesy than the ever-classic Swiss cheese! *holds up cheese* Nick Fury’s lines were all corny too. *holds up corn* Cheese and corn must never go together. Otherwise, it will be disgusting and vomit-worthy. Ask Harley.

TWO-FACE: What about the Skrulls? I think they are the most interesting characters in the whole movie since we see that they suffered from the tyranny of those fools Carol called friends. Talos was actually pretty hilarious...more hilarious than you ever will be!

JOKER: What...did you say to me?!

TWO-FACE: You heard me.

PENGUIN: Gentlemen, let’s not derail the subject matter here. As Mr. Dent was saying, the Skrulls were well-made characters with excellent design models. I especially enjoyed the plot twist of them being the actual victims of war whereas Carol’s mentor and his team were the real bad guys all along.

JOKER: Don’t get me started with that. That was one of the dumbest twists I have ever seen in any movie or tv show in general. There was barely any hint or foreshadow that the real villains were in front of us the whole time!

PENGUIN: I beg to differ. If memory serves, I recall one of the Skrulls in disguise saying that their people were all starving and homeless in the beginning of the movie. Plus, Carol’s mentor was very shady for the whole movie. I actually saw it coming.

JOKER: Wow, congratulations, feather brain! You’re Batman now! Would you like to see if Arkham Asylum got its plumber to fix its toilets?

PENGUIN: It’s just my opinion, Joker. Deal with it.

JOKER: Whatever. Anyway, the villains were so one-dimensional, boring, lame, have no distinct personalities, and were just there for plot-related reasons. I just wished they would lighten up and say something humorous for once. They’re barely entertaining to watch.

TWO-FACE: I bet none of them can beat the likes of us. We’re smarter and better in every way. Whatever order they believe in has no ground in chance, and I am a firm believer in chance.

JOKER: I think it would have been much better if the story actually flowed properly with a consistent pace. First off, no stupid twist with boring antagonists; second, make sure the dialogue is in the same tone with Batman and not so painfully cringe; third, give Captain Marvel some more emotion and actually have her display emotion towards the end of the movie! She remains stoic, boring, and dull from start to finish!

PENGUIN: What do you expect from a character who was literally trained all her life to not show emotion? That was the entire point of her character arch.

JOKER: Except that she didn’t show any emotion before her little “accident” happened and never displayed any emotion when she was a kid during her flashback scenes.

PENGUIN:.......Good point.

JOKER: Geez, the direction for this atrocity is absolutely no joke. It’s no wonder why this movie is terrible and is hated by a lot of MCU fans.

PENGUIN: The people who hated this film are just a bunch of sexist bums with inferior masculinity because they saw a woman so powerful and so confident.

TWO-FACE: That’s quite a mouthful right there. Honestly, you’re half right.

JOKER: Yeah, did Disney pay you to say that? And people say that I’m the crazy one! *laughs*

TWO-FACE: The same people who hate this movie must have likewise hated the Star Wars Sequel Trilogy.

PENGUIN: Hey, don’t even think about comparing this movie to that horrible trilogy! At least Captain Marvel is consistent in its own universe.

JOKER: I doubt that. But hey, at the very least this movie is not the worst MCU film I’ve seen. I’ve seen far worse. *Looks at Eternals*

ALL THREE: *Shudders*

JOKER: Well, it looks like we’re about to wrap it up here. Any final thoughts on this in light of everything we brought up?

PENGUIN: I’ll admit it’s not a perfect movie, but who cares about perfection anyways? It’s a movie I can definitely watch from time to time again. Consider this a guilty pleasure, if you will.

TWO-FACE: For me, second time was the charm. Despite the negatives, it does have its positives. So now I’ll finally flip the coin and see what it thinks. *flips coin and it lands on clean side* It’s settled then. It’s a bad movie for most people, but it’s a good movie to me.

JOKER: *Groans* We all can’t be winners. Fine, you like this, I hate it. Simple as that. I will give this a 2/10!

PENGUIN & TWO-FACE: 6/10!

JOKER: Fine, 6/10. But at least we have a final score for this movie. See, fake Joker? You don’t have to be indecisive anymore. It’s super easy, barely an inconvenience. Now, it’s time for “Mr. J” to come back.

TWO-FACE: Which one? *grins*

JOKER:............I hate you.