What I knew was going to happen eventually

I don't know exactly where to start with this, so bear with me if it gets all over the place. I wasn't around to get the full story.

I have been told that my grandma got taken to hospital yet again, for what I think we all know will be the last time. No, she didn't fall and hurt herself or anything like that. I don't want to talk about family issues that should be personal info, as it has become a frequent revolving door of unwanted drama and depression I'd rather rusted shut so it didn't revolve anymore. I can't give full details, as I've said above since I had already moved out - again - so I don't know rightfully what to say.

I mentioned before in a blog post with more personal info than I would have honestly wanted to give, but I couldn't bear that burden anymore to keep to myself, but I did say that a lot of this could have been avoided if greed, arrogance and pure neglect wasn't the only things both of them were best at. I've at least been around long enough to hear all the stories, witness some for myself. I was simply too arrogant myself to see it because of how I was brought up by her. Wish it wasn't like that, but can't change it now.

I noticed my uncle's car was there on Friday when I drove by her house. He only goes on a Wednesday to bring shopping. Then today I get told she's in hospital. Why? Because she's lost her marbles. And she couldn't be bothered to arrange for carers, which would have made their lives easier and not have burdened already very burdened people like my uncle and dad to be forced to make time for whatever was asked. In some respects, that does make me incredibly angry deep down. She's done that all her life, as has my grandad.

I don't know exactly what was going on, but I was also told my auntie was getting yelled at by my grandad and he was getting very nasty with her. I don't know what was being said, so I can't offer much evidence there, but from a person who's been spoken to so condescendingly and disrespectfully by the same man, I'd believe it instantly. This auntie happens to be the one who is closest to my grandad. Now, what does that tell you? My auntie doesn't take that kind of verbal abuse from anybody, she's a bloody tough woman. She told him off, and I can never understand how she can be so controlled and as patient as she is in situations like that.

Oh, and all the cockatiels are gone. First Lucky, my 'feathered lemon' of a bird, died from neglect under the care of my grandma and now all of the birds in the aviary have been taken away, including dear Peanut, who has been in the family longer than I've been alive and whom has also moved through houses with us. 🐤 I'm not sad about them being gone, but I can honestly say that they are far better off in the care of somebody else who isn't my grandma. They need the care and attention since there are a lot of them (around 10 or 11) and grandma never bothered to take it upon herself to care for them. As my dad and everyone else in the family says, ''she doesn't give a fuck.''

Other than that, I don't know what's going to happen with my grandad. All I know is he's on his own now and he should be either in a home or have carers. Again, I said SHOULD, but his macho dictionary says NO. It's not my problem, I know, but that's what I've been informed of thus far.

I'm not entirely sure how to process this or even if it matters to me at this point. All those lies I've been force fed over the years, all the abuse I've been given combined between the two, the times I've been hit, insulted, offended, outright spoken down to like an animal, I don't know if I should even care. That sounds rotten to say, doesn't it? Well, try it yourself and see if you feel any different. I doubt you will. This has been my whole life.

I don't even know if the good times should be cherished, since they all came from the same person who unknowingly caused me more grief than anything else. The only thing I know is that my grandma probably won't last very long as it is. If she makes it to next week, I'd consider that very lucky. As for grandad...well, I don't know. He's not as bad as she is, and he has suffered a lot with her. I don't know if anything is currently being arranged or not, so I have nothing to offer there.

The only thing I think I need is a moment to myself and to process all of this. I don't even know why I feel sad inside right now. Maybe regret that I couldn't be there to help in the way that I could have, despite it not being my responsibility? I don't know. I know this was inevitable, that's how life is. I question myself every day for how much was my fault, if any.

I'm just glad I wasn't there for all of this to happen and get caught in the crossfire. For all the times that's happened in the past, it never ends well. I always get yelled at one way or another.

I guess I need time to think...and perhaps have a drink or something. Why not?

===============

Peace and love 💛

- Ribe