I wrote this early this morning - if you've ever wanted to hear what type of person FireRain is and what's in his head

DISCLAIMER: I wrote this very, very early this morning. For some reason, that's mostly when I become philosophical and thoughtful. I wanted to share this with you, see if it will clear anything up about me or give you an insight into the jumbled mess that's my mind.

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I think a lot about people I don't have any business thinking about anymore. People who do and don't deserve to be remembered or thought about. I often flick between my memories of them and involuntarily try to feel bad for them, but the reality is the opposite.

I don't have it in me to hate any single person enough to call them my nemesis, but to say I 'hate' these particular people would be a massive understatement. I frankly think they're vile. Uncaring, unsympathetic, unable to accept responsibility, can't understand what their life choices caused for others in their life. They're arrogant. Never stop to think. If they thought of anything even slightly, they might have done something right for once in their lives.

I also think of those I lost, try and remember the last conversation I had with them, try and recall what their voices sound like. Then I feel bad that I can't do any of those things. I only ever attended one funeral in my life, and that is it. I shouldn't think about this, but I wonder who's funeral I'll be attending next. More over, would I want to be there? I care more than I should for those who don't deserve it and whom have said and done nasty things to me, and that right there is my biggest issue. It's not trust or respect, it's mostly tolerance.

If I ever spoke up more, I guarantee some of my opinions would upset, piss off or strike the nerves of certain people. And that is totally fine. I don't talk much because I'm very reserved and shy, not because I'm opinionated and waiting to burst with them. I also carry a lot of guilt and regret for many things I've done and I suffer with those burdens every day, enough that it makes me paranoid and possibly gave me a form of light PTSD, if 'light' is the right word for such a thing.

I often wonder about what will happen when my own time comes, whether or not I will be missed or even if what I do in this life has an impact on anybody. I know it's such a dark thing to talk about, but mortality is an inevitability more than anything else. I don't want to leave everyone with a bitter taste in their mouths and I'd much rather leave nothing unsaid. I do have a few things on a personal list of promises I set for myself if I ever knew I wasn't going to be around for very long, a select set of words for very specific people. I hope that I won't ever have to use them, but that's no fully up to me.

I don't want to rant about these things forever, as I'm sure nobody really does care about what I think or what I have to say, but that's okay. I only don't want to leave anything unsaid or unthought. I have no other outlet for it, so here is all I have.

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Yeah, so if you did indeed read that in full, I don't know what you might think about me. I do still harbour a lot of dark thoughts and often have overwhelming sadness for an unknown reason, but I want to make it clear that I didn't write this because I was depressed or miserable. I was simply having a moment of self-reflection about pretty much everything up to this point in my life and voicing my thoughts along with everything else.

I want it known I am trying to be happier and trying my best to get on with life, and I can fairly say it's been very stressful moving back home, but it has taken a lot of the weight off my mind after getting away from where I was staying. That was a burden I hope never to have to discuss in detail ever. It was a nightmare and that's the best summary you'll get from me about it. Even still, I'm slowly trying to come to terms with a lot of stuff, personal demons and the like.

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Peace, love, empathy,

- FireRain

Comments

[Diawesome]

Well, l do care, and l shy too, well l always thinking something crazy.