What it's like on the inside - I need to get away and clear my mind · 10:17am Jun 15th, 2020
To get away and be free is a goal that I fully strive for.
Finding even a shred of peace and quiet around here where I can clear my head is unheard of and proven impossible. If I don't find anywhere to clear my cluttered and emotionally pent-up mind, I'm going to scream or lash out. No matter which home I go to, it's the same story, only one is more obnoxious than the previous. No chance of clearing my mind there in the slightest. For once, I need space to breathe! I'm being bloody suffocated by everyone around me and it's driving me insane!
Apart from being stressed to absolute fuck, I have got so much on my mind that I'm too scared / tentative about to let somebody else in. I'm not taking that ungodly risk ever again. I already know more than I want to know about certain subjects, and it's an honestly dragging burden. If I can get out and not look back, dump those burdens off my shoulders, then maybe I can start a recovery from this hellish existence. At this point, I'm more concerned about finding a means of leaving for good. I don't plan on looking back, either. What's the point in doing that?
I'm truly terrified of being stuck in this situation forever. The fight's already been lost, but it's also never been won. There's no better side since they're all the same and getting the family to see sense is like talking to a brick wall! It's senseless sticking around with people like that. So the sooner I can find a place and leave, I'm not planning on looking back nor giving two shits if I'm said to be missed by those I've left when the truth is I won't miss them. It's clear I'm already unwanted, so how in the hell would you miss me if that's your attitude? As I've said; no winning side.
I don't know where any of this will leave me, but I'm emotionally delicate at the moment and unable to stand any provoking. I'm plain fed up. Whatever happens, I suppose I've got to make the best out of it and carry on. Nothing else to do, is there? In the end, FireRain and everything I've tried to do will either be put on hold for an undetermined amount of time or it will be completely shut down. Don't hold your breath for too long.
A clueless FireRain,
Adieu. 💔
I'm sorry I couldn't be the person I should have tried to be from the start. Can a heart still break once it's stopped beating? Probably; mine has.
*hugs tight* I am sorry this is your situation my friend *hugs even more*
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💛
*Hugs you back* Nothings ever going to get better. I don't want to move on because this is what I've called home for years and it's where I grew up, but there's nothing I can do. If I don't get away soon, I think I'm going to be stuck here forever or worse. I just want some space to be alone.
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what and where is your ideal place like?
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As far away from everyone and everything as humanly possible, which would place me in the country side. Not much traffic, not much civilisation going on around me, where the pace is slow and the daily routine is steady and unlike the town where I am now. My hometown where I've lived all of my life was like that before we started getting more visitors, foreign and not, and it's gained a bit of a boom to populace, which isn't fun for me. All I've known and loved has been stripped bare and there's only my memory left. As such, with that many people around, it's an easy distraction and there's always someone to complain about noise and 'disruptions'. I want none of that.
You ever been inside an old farmhouse, Fantasy? I went into one from the 17th century with my dad on my 16th birthday to explore and have a look around while he worked on fixing the place up. Houses like that are huge, cosy and very rustic. I loved that house and the style of it. All those bedrooms with their own fireplaces, a cellar underground with potential space for a jamming / recording room, large living room for having space to breathe and chill...that's my ideal. I honestly can't stand modernisation in the household, it only makes me sad and nostalgic for something better, you know? Old stuff has always been a passion of mine, so living in a home with that many years behind it suits me, doubly so if I can renovate it to my liking.
If I can have somewhere to play as loud as I want where I can't be heard and complained about, then I'm totally happy with that. I feel smothered to death right now, not even able to have five seconds to myself before I'm called up on having another invade my space when I want to be left alone. In that regard, it sums up to a nicely-sized countryside home with large open spaces where I'm in an isolated section of land.
Yes, I know, I'm probably a bit more old-fashioned than someone of my age should be, but did you expect any better from a guy like me? I grew up around this stuff, and I was raised by my grandmother. The day I can afford that kind of living, then I'm going to take it. I have no plans on looking back on a single thing, and all I want to do is live my life the way I want to live it instead of the way others want me to live it. I've strived to avoid that whole conflict and oppression for my entire life.
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sounds like you like the quiet, the calm, and the peaceful. I can understand and appreciate that, and it seems making new memories would be the only option
I believe I have, I have certainly been in some old houses before, ones from my family in New England, and they did look very wonderful. I am fond of old architecture, how places looked in olden times, modern either rubs me the wrong way or rubs me like a cactus leaf on sandpaper. I have enjoyed games like Skyrim and Assassin's creed for showing off beautifully the old medieval and colonial era buildings.
I have sort of experienced that feeling, I only say sort of, but I think I get it.
Some days I kind of feel I could have fit in in an older time. That I would have appreciated how things use to be more than how they are now.
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Yes, exactly! Old architecture is so interesting, looking at how we built stuff to last back then, unlike today. We took pride in what we were building in those times, and when you enter a Tudor / Elizabethan / Jacobean-era home and you see the lime walls and large wooden support beams, it takes you back in time. Many people turn their nose up at it, but that musty aroma you get? To people like us, it's enchanting and draws us in!
Modern homes all look like plastic and there's nothing original about it. In fact, the materials we use now are ridiculous. Glass? Really, glass? Have fun surviving an earthquake. And our taste in colour? Have you noticed everybody is obsessed to death with matte schemes with like a charcoal skirting board and boarder with grey walls? Or 'rhubarb and custard colours', like two-tone deep pink and thick yellow? Ew. Makes me think I'm living inside a fruit pastel.
Omg, Assassins Creed Brotherhood was my favourite game back in the day! Medieval architecture is so interesting and cool! The way they built fortifications, mechanisms, sentries, aqueducts, forts, the whole thing, it's such a rich history to get into! I'm a nerd for that stuff. Believe me, I can tell you a lot of stuff about that era, even later on in the Elizabethan and Jacobean era, which I got a distinction grade in (highest possible) for intimate details on structure and materials. If you haven't had chance to look into them yet, you'll love what you find out!
💙
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Like taking a step into the past. I don't think I can ever grasp how the ideas and designs came to these people. In sheer brilliance they made something so gorgeous, it may have come natural to these architects, but to me I cannot fathom how it comes to be. I do love strolls down the neighborhoods with these homes
And just how some of them look it's just....what made them think this was a good idea? Did they not run this by anyone else to see if it got the green light?
Also, just from what you said, I remember when reading the book The Birds (the one where avians decided that the age of man was over and started attacking) the protagonist had an edge because his house was old, had stout walls and smaller windows while the newer homes didn't offer protection enough for their inhabitants.
Some peoople are impressed with newer fortifications, I am much more amazed at how the old world built these beautiful, intimidating, and intricate places. Ones that were built to last, and still do in some places.
It was so much fun to scale them in that game, to climb their mighty walls and see just how much work went into all this.