Hopes and dreams

Do you remember those days you were in school? Those days when your whole future was ahead of you? You and your friends all had a vision what you would become after you grew up. You all had dreams, hopes and wishes. Maybe you wanted to become something like a doctor or a fireman or something else cliché? I never met a kid who didn't have these dreams. They all knew what they'd do with their lives, they all had dreams.

I, never did. And still don't have today.

I always found it weird that I never craved for anything, I didn't dream about anything. People wanted to find a partner to share their life with, but I didn't. I often found myself thinking that there's something wrong with me. But for me, it has always been normal. I never cared for success or the company of other people. Even when playing online games, I didn't mind being just one of the pawns in the guild, I didn't want to be a leader or anything. And I often got away from those who did. I just want to live in peace and quiet, doing my own things, and I'm perfectly happy with that... Most of the time. There are times when I want acceptance or human contact, wether it's in person or online. I guess this is one of those moments and the reason why I'm writing this. But I'm also pretty certain that nobody will ever answer. Although, that's my life in a nutshell and I have pretty much accepted it as it is.

There was never anything particularly wrong with my life, pretty typical stuff, really. But I lacked passion big time. And soon after that, I lost my self-esteem and became extremely shy and introverted. Others were always talking their heads off, while I kept quiet. And I didn't mind. Everyone who ever met me quickly got the picture of me as a quiet loner who didn't care for chitchatting. It was always completely meaningless to me.

I always liked different things compared to other kids of my age. Maybe that added to my shyness. I had very little in common with others. And I deeply cared for what I liked. I didn't want to get my feelings hurt so I never really revealed my favorite things to people, I never let anybody close. And I always made sure I never offended anybody when they talked about something they liked--which was quite hard as they usually liked the complete opposite things. You asked my opinion and I either lied or said something political and general about the given subject.

I was but a bland weirdo without an opinion on anything. That was my self shielding mechanism. But, it doesn't explain my lack for dreams. Even here, I'm as modest as I can be. I have literally no ambition to be anything. I only set myself my own goals that I fear I will never achieve. They are purely for me. Everything else is just added bonus. Everything I do, is for myself, as selfish as that may sound. Of course, I still hope people would enjoy my stories. If I can make even one person laugh or smile, I'm happy. That's enough for me.

People might think I don't like to chat or that I have nothing to say... But under all my spiky shields, is a young man who would like nothing more than to be your friend... If I only knew how.

Did you grow up without hopes and dreams? What was it like and how are you doing today? You don't have to reply here, but you can send me a PM instead. (Yes, I said PM and not DM because I'm old-school like that...)