Random Thoughts #2

Comments give me anxiety.

I rarely, if ever, post anything anywhere in any platform. This fanfic writing thing was a spur of the moment idea I had after I foolishly believed I had good ideas. So, posting my personal stories to a public community, especially one in which I existed for the majority as a lurking ghost, is a new experience to say the least. That being said, I get heart palpations (not literally) every time I see that bell icon with the numbers on it. The heart rate doubles when I see it’s a comment.

Fun fact: I am what one would affectionately call a “bitch-ass n***a”. I am very sensitive and take things personally, even when they clearly aren’t. I know this, but refuse to internalize it. Whenever I see a criticism, constructive or otherwise, it feels like I made a mistake that I should’ve and could’ve avoided. This is obviously NOT the case, but I never shake the feeling.

So, one may notice that I’ve been giving explanations (Some may call them excuses. Hi, I’m Some.) as to certain decisions or mistakes that I’ve made. That’s me hurriedly attempting to clear the supposed bad impression I’m leaving. I probably take this fanfic business too seriously, which is ironic given that I don’t take it seriously enough to get a proofreader nor editor. Regardless, it’s both the best and worst feeling when I’m being seen. And that sucks.

There’s no real message here. Just another explanation for why I do the things I do. Please disregard. I’m sorry. Also, the constant use of the phrase “I’m sorry” is a preemptive way to apologize for any preconceived slight, disappointment, or offense the reader may have taken away from my amateur scribbling. And also to apologize for being apologetic. I recognize some will see this as ingenue, but that was likely always going to be the case. And for that, I’m sorry.