I regret a lot of things and I've come to realise quite a few things · 4:26pm Feb 8th, 2020
I regret quite a lot of things in my life. For one, I can’t get out of the mindset I ended up with since my secondary school years, where I constantly feel like I have a ball and chain around my ankle that belongs to a social reject and an outcast of all of the cliques. All it gave me was this inescapable melancholy that only got worse as I got older.
The older and wiser I got with every time I learned something, I only became more and more depressed, where all I was able to see was the heartache in the world, so much so that if I look at somebody in the eye, I can easily figure them out. It’s one of those things you only know about if you yourself have or are experiencing it. It’s stuck with me since my younger days, unfortunately.
But that’s not all. I don’t have very good memories of school; it was easily the worst time of my educational life at the same time it was the best. I had friends to keep me from dying of boredom, I had some space away from my family so I could think straight and relieve myself of stress, and I had a pretty good social life. For an anti-social misfit, I have to say that all of the conversations I had with students in my form and the teachers, both of whom I got along with, made me feel better and less scared of the world around me.
When school ended after prom night, the last time I saw everybody I went to school with, that’s when life changed for me. Once again, it sucks. When I had social media at the time, I’d always be skimming through it, noticing that everybody from my form kept adding each other as friends, obviously meaning they cared enough to keep contact with each other, but when time went on, I began to realise something. Everybody had at least something in their life to be proud of.
Once again, it felt like I came last in the rat race, with the force of a slug in the gut. All of the girls were getting into relationships and all of the guys were finding themselves a special someone at the same time they were finding jobs or pursuing their dream careers. That meant everybody I knew apart from myself.
I don’t know how else I can describe it, but each time I see that people are moving on and maintaining a social life and relationship on top of a fair-paying job, it increases the hurt in my chest. Heartache is one of the things in life that people in general can do without. I had a similar conversation with my auntie where she was confiding in me about her time after school, putting her in the same place as me. It was nice that I had somebody to talk to that understood how I was feeling inside and how upset I was, but now I have no idea what to think.
I’ve tried finding work, literally doing a dot-to-dot puzzle left and right going door-to-door asking straight-up if there were any vacancies, only to be turned down. This time of the year is crap to get anything anywhere, so it’s going to take a long time, unfortunately. It’s not only the job situation that’s getting me down - it’s not even close. Truth is, even though there are a considerable amount of people in my life, I feel so alone.
My entire life has been nothing but a ginormous question mark. I can’t count one time when a person in my life has treated me like a human being with real emotions, a sense of humanity, common sense or the ability to think freely for himself. In turn, I find it hard to believe a word of praise spoken to me or anything positive because I simply can’t figure out if it’s truthful due to most things being told to me have come to my attention as really being a lie. Meanwhile, my family can’t figure out why I’m distraught about these things, which are mostly their fault. But, as you’d have it, it always gets flipped on me and I’ve been told a couple of times ‘’there’s only one person in this family with something wrong with them, and it’s you.’’ Imagine your parents or somebody close to you telling you that to your face like they did with me. How hurt would you be, exactly?
All this has done is make me realise how little I truly have. Like anybody else in school, I was so sure of myself in the sense that I’d hoped to have something at this point in my life. I’ve tried so hard to try to get the best possible result out of anything I’ve done, including performing arts and writing both stories and poetry, but didn’t get anywhere. I even got so miserable that my thoughts weren’t really my own and I was unable to concentrate enough to contemplate what I really wanted deep down, ending up signing myself up during GCSE choices to doing woodwork and engineering when I’m not a practical, man-power type of guy. I’m creative, not a grease monkey. I don’t know the first thing about woodwork or metalwork.
Now that I’m still in the same state, with hardly anything going on, my misery is incomprehensible. These past couple of days have been pretty painful for me. I’ve spent most of my time in bed for three or so days now, hardly getting any sleep, but when I do, I wake up with headaches and I feel nothing but emptiness inside of me. Nothing seems to satisfy me or give me any happiness anymore. I lost every single thing that made me feel like a human, including my confidence and my emotions. I’m a shell, at best.
Everything has been a waste of time to me. Trouble is, I don’t know how to get out of it. Being the age that I am, it’s the age where I should have been someplace worthwhile so long ago, and I want to be like everybody else - normal. I hate waking up every single morning and being unable to experience anything outside of sadness and loneliness. I can’t tell you how much I’ve tried to sleep but instead curled up and cried silently to myself.
I’m not one to say if anybody really cares about this or myself, but I am not blind enough to know that I’m not fine, because I’m certainly not. I know I’m not. All I want is to go back to the way things were and be happy again. What am I supposed to do, if anything? Everybody else has managed to move on and get what they want, so why can’t I?
I’d honestly rather die than continue living with an empty, gaping maw inside me along with shards of glass that once used to form a functioning heart.
I... I don't have the best memory, but looking at your stories, I can see that I quite enjoyed your work. I'm not sure what to say, other than that your death would be a loss to many, within and without this community. I know you've probably seen this a bunch, but...
National Suicide Prevention Hotline
1-800-273-8255
Please don't kill yourself. I don't know that things will get better, but I imagine it'd be difficult to find out from the other side.
5199482
No, I never said I was suicidal or wanted to kill myself. I meant it in the way that most people are hinting at when they're fed up of something that's getting on their nerves, not literally. I really wish people would stop jumping to that conclusion, it's the Number One go-to nowadays.
We all have bad in our lives, we all will face our storm we must brave through, once we come out, there will be calm waters and a clear sky for us to enjoy.
Stay strong my friend, things will get better.
5199583
I sure hope so. When you've felt like a social reject, a loser and an idiot for as long as I have, it's hard to find even the slightest glimpse of hope. I want everything to end and go back to the way it used to be, that's it. Apparently, that's a bit too much to ask. I already feel like the majority of my sanity and patience have been ground away by the stress of moving twice (it'll be three this year) and dealing with issues that I should never have been burdened with from the beginning. Somehow, I got stuck with responsibilities that should never have been asked of me.
5199656
That does sounds very very unfair and horrible. Stay strong my friend