Story prologue/idea <Updated> · 7:30pm Nov 4th, 2019
UPDATED: 04/11/19 <edit notes: The prologue has had its first re-write pass. Not much change, just some alterations and additions based on the current feedback.>
UPDATED: 10/11/2019 <edit notes: With the aid of @legalpothead, I've made some major edits to the intro. I hope it's better now.
I've written a few books but never finished them. I cut my teeth on fanfiction as I'm sure many here did. I'm not particularly good at pros and avoiding run-on sentences, but I've received encouragement from those around me that I'm not nearly as bad at writing as I personally feel I am. Lol. But we'll see. I'm posting here the Prologue to my book. First some general details.
The synopsis is a little difficult to figure out; Original universe, fantasy hardcore magic system, unique races, and a 3 book plan. The three books are; 'The Sharp Plains', 'The Scarlet Lady', and 'The Queen'. The first book follows a person's journey into a land they don't know, with a name that gives a hint to their home, in search of who they are.
One of the taglines that will be above the blurb on the book is: 'Magic conforms to the shape of its conduit.'
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Prologue
The darkness had an earthen thickness, like the weight of the world above pressing down. The kind of sensation only derived from the deepest depths. And yet even here, below the earth, steps continued deeper still.
Footsteps echoed in the ancient still air and each step was barely highlighted by the flame of a single torch held high, spreading light that could barely press through the shadows around. Yet despite the dark, a figure descended as though each step was sure.
The path began to level out and soon they arrived at an opening. The final steps to the edge echoed in a cavernous manner, reverberating off of stone and stalactite, and as though the sound alone had disturbed something deep in the dark, the crash of stone smashing against stone could be heard as something fell into an unseen abyss.
The figure lowered the torch and the light illuminated a crevasse before them. It wasn’t wide, barely ten feet in width, but it was deep. The darkness below seemed even more oppressive than the weighted darkness around them. To fall would be to be lost.
Placing the torch on the floor to free both their hands, the cloaked individual looked to the stone walls of the crevasse and then to the air. Their left hand raised, palm facing the stone and they began to draw. It would take a quick draw so they didn’t waste time. Their right hand extended and they began to apply it to the air. Slowly the air began to thicken, there was a cracking sound as it began to become cold. There was a crack and the wall they were drawing from with their left hand began to splinter and crumble as its structure failed it. The figure switched focus, pulling from behind it instead where the rock was still strong, gritting their teeth a little at the effort. They needed so much; air was so sparse after all.
It took a little effort, but soon the robed figure lowered their hands and looked at their handiwork. A bridge of ice crossed the gap before them. A single tentative step proved the footing was sure, and slowly they crossed from one end to the other.
They continued through another opening and down another set of stairs that had been worn into the stone. The air grew warmer and moist as they descended.
The opening was small, and the cavernous room was large. A small walkway of stone led into the domed area and the ancient air was permeated with moisture from the deep basin of water that stretched out into the darkness.
The figure looked up and saw what they needed. They raised the torch and, drawing from the point of heat, they applied it to the ancient hanging brazier that sat stiffly above them, rooted to the ceiling. It began to smoke, and as the torch sputtered out, its state breaking down and the cavern once again being plunged into darkness; the brazier suddenly roared into life.
The water below cast reflections that refracted off of wet and worn rock, sending the place dancing with aqua lights, and there in the middle of the basin, half submerged in the water, golden eyes watched.
“You come before me?” The words did not reach the ears, they struck into the mind yet they echoed as though held within the confines of the stone around them.
The figure chuckled at the question, reaching down to run their fingers through the water, interrupting it’s aged stillness with ripples that grew and spread across its surface. “Have you ever known me to come without an offering?”
The reply reverberated off the walls in an echo that seemed to merge with the sudden rushing sound of water that accompanied those golden eyes approaching. What few ripples the figures fingers had caused were overtaken by a wave of water that crashed up against the rock of the walkway as the titanic being closed the distance between it and its cloaked guest.
In the glittering light of the brazier, they became visible. A huge serpentine creature, scales glistening with greens, crimsons and golds, a cobralike fin adorning a face with the features of an almost bat-like visage. Scaled from the nose down, and a body twenty feet thick.
“And what need have I, for a kingdom?”
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I am aware of the need to avoid repetition and similar sentence length to avoid stagnation, and I know the 'They' is incorporated a lot and as I'm using it for a single gender-neutral individual, I should consider such things like "the wanderer" or "the traveler" or "the individual" if I wish to keep gender quiet without accidentally conforming to 'They' so often it feels like there may be multiple characters here when there's just one. (Issue addressed: I think)
I'm not looking for any indepth editation for the moment, simply a beta read, a discussion of its contents, general review, and any sign of possible interest that may or may not have me offering to grab emails for a Mailing List I'll be doing to keep those up to date with excerpts, previews, and other such things for those that want them... if anyone does.
It seems interesting and intriguing for sure. I think the one thing that kept bothering me was a lack of a He/She, wolf, bat or some other identifier for the being that traversed the depths. I can accept it if this is just the opening of the story, but if it's like that for the entirety of the story then I might not able to read it. Now, an idea that you could explore is a second person point of view, if you intended on keeping the character vague and pronoun-less. Just a suggestion. You don't have to, but some sort of description/pronoun that one can use will help it feel more natural and relatable.
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This is just the prologue before chapter 1. This scene is genderless and featureless for a specific reason, the identity of this character I want to remain a secret for the moment. If you're interested at all, I'm setting up a Mailing List. So if you gave me your email I could add you to the list for updates, excerpts, chapter previews and things of the like. This is a book I intend to publish. (I'd only email like 1-2 times a month, so no spam). Would that be something you're interested in?