• Member Since 29th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen Saturday

Learn for Life


More Blog Posts116

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  • 217 weeks
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Aug
19th
2019

An Update Since April 1st · 1:26am Aug 19th, 2019

It has been a while, hasn't it?

This year, I started a new job and left Pizza Hut for good. Due to the nature of my job, I can't reveal exactly where I work; I can say that I am making more money, have a healthier work schedule, have made more friends, and am doing greater work than I was at Pizza Hut. I am making great headway to paying off my debts, and once that happens, I hopefully can finally move out on my own. And I was awarded safest employee of my employment for the second quarter of the year, so that was nice.

This year was the first that I had flown in an airplane. I was terrified at first, but once it had taken off, it was smooth sailing from there. I don't think I'll ever experience a fear of flying again. It was nice to see my family down in California once again; it had been three years since I moved up here.

This year was also the first year I was rushed to the hospital. I lifted something heavy at work, and my chest went numb and my head hazy. They didn't find anything wrong with me at the hospital (of course), and I've had to keep on searching for a solution to my ever-present chest pains. It has been 14.5 months since it started, and I am beginning to doubt that it will ever go away. But I did get cardiac problems ruled out, so there's that. My family began to think I was faking the pain, and I don't currently have a good relationship with them partially because of that.

I also had a mental meltdown, where I left a bunch of Discord chats and isolated myself from as many people as possible. I had been working hard in my life, and things weren't getting better at that time. I concluded, rather, hastily, that I was a failure with no potential for growth, that I was too stupid to do literally anything right (and I mean literally anything). I was close to committing suicide at one point, (but luckily a Kaiser Permanente doctor helped me with some counseling and sertraline). So I ostracized myself as much as possible from everyone. But then things began to improve for me, and I started doing things correctly for once in my life. I got back with my friends, and my relationship with them is improving. I will admit that I'm terrified of having friends now, because I'm such a volatile, immature, stuuuuuuuuupid motherfucker, but I'll keep on trying.

I found one of my triggers for serious mental stress: Video games. I'm crap at them, and even though I tried to improve in it, it just doesn't work. When I lose a lot, I get frustrated and tell myself that I'm no good and why am I even bothering. I need to give up video games, or at least get over those bad thoughts.

As for writing, at the beginning of the year I said that I would either finish or cancel one of my stories if I didn't finish it by July 4th. I have decided, after looking at everything in my life, to go against this and keep on working on it. It won't be good at first, because due to lack of practice, my mental breakdown, and my generally abyss of stupidity, I have devolved from a shitty writer to a writer that shouldn't even exist. But I know people who want to see it continue, so I'll give it my best.

As for other writing projects, I honestly think that I am, as I've always been, too stupid to start on anything grand. The evidence is there: my mental breakdown over my inability to talk to people well, my constant low scores in the Write-Offs, the negative comments I've had on my stories, the constant comments from Reddit about how stupid I am, my inability to do a whole lot on my own without screwing up, my inability to keep deadlines that I set for myself, my lack of accomplishments with my B.A. in English, my lack of activity since I became a brony and joined the site, the fact that I don't compare to any other reviewer on the site... it's all there to say that I'm one of the dumbest people on Earth. I don't think I have the skills to do any writing at all, and I don't have a lot of self-worth, so I think I'll need to start over as a beginner. Look up basic writing courses, read what I can from them, and then practice those small things until I can get them down to at least a mediocre degree. Then, I think, I'll be ready to continue writing.

As for reviewing... I don't think I should anymore. The same problem of a chasm of stupidity abounds here, I probably wouldn't be able to say anything meaningful.

That's what's up with me! Great job, improving finances, acquiring skills, giving up video games, beginning anew writing. I hope to actually do something with writing at some point in my life, because I still feel a pull towards it.

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