Contemplation and Green Tea (Man, Decaf Really Blows)

Yeah, not even sure where to take this one. Been so long that I don't exactly have a solid direction to take much in. I mean, it's not like I ever forgot about wanting to write here, but I also haven't exactly found the initiative in myself to write or do much of anything lately. Job hunting sucks. Been passive and stressed mostly over nothing. Honestly, the last few posts I'd made ages ago about writing and trying to get anything published here weren't total bullshit. I've had two or three half written stories I've been sitting on for months now that I just haven't gotten around to finishing them. To say the least, it's been pretty annoying. Can't exactly openly deny the fact that I've been talking to myself for my blogs here either, no matter how infrequent they've been. I guess it's whatevs though. I mean, it's not like many people on the site seem to blog often anyway and nobody is gonna come here for the sake of reading my inane ramblings. Hell, I could probably write my own equivalent of Kaczynski's manifesto and I sincerely doubt it'd see much traction. That sure would be hilarious, now that I think about it. Like, writing out a suicide note or some kind of war declaration and just leaving it floating on the internet on an obscure site nobody will think to check. Something about the thought amuses me.
What was I talking about? No idea. I'm sort of just writing what comes to mind and breaking the in-between with sips of really lame decaf tea. Like, I don't have anything against it, but I'm really a super hardcore caffeine fiend. Something just feels weirdly missing. Probably the same reason I hate decaf coffee, now that I think about it. I've been tempted to write more about music here since I've changed up my regular listening so much in the last few months, but I really got no idea if it'd be worth it to. I love sharing and talking about music, but it's a lot less engaging when I've only got myself to talk to about it. Like, I'd be so much more inclined if even one person has ever said that I'd pointed them towards something they discovered they liked, but I've had no such luck. It's frustrating. I can't share what I love physically or over the internet and it's been bumming me out for a long time. Even if I blogged multiple times every day I doubt much would come of it.
Bleh. I feel kind of lame right now and it's bleeding into this travesty of a blog post. Whatever. I need to vent a little and just think out loud to nobody in particular. I mean, I guess I've got the option of going out and trying to do something or sit in the hot ass sun, but neither of them strike me as particularly appealing options. What I actually want to do is smoke a bowl and take a ten hour nap, but I have no herb and I still need to wait on sleep. Provided I can actually catch some sleep, anyway. Sleep is an elusive and tricky little bitch, isn't she?
So, I went on a walk recently and while I was out and about I sort of came to the realization that I feel, like... detached sometimes, I guess. For example, a few stores I passed on a daily basis a while ago are gone now and have been for a while and I never noticed. I tend to lose track of time really badly, too. Can't really do it too well unless I actually make an effort to have a "start" and "end" in terms of a time limit. In fact, I just checked the time and I already forgot when I started writing this and how long I've been typing. Happens in an instant sometimes. Can't remember details of my days a lot of the time either. It's not like I drank some freaky dementia potion or anything, I just tune things out to the point that nothing registers sometimes. I think. Not sure, actually. Maybe I fell through a mini black hole or we're all trapped in a fucky tangent universe.
Vape is murdered. I mean mine in particular. I really miss having super strong juice to give me an actually tangible boost in my ever more frequently low morale levels.
I finally got a lava lamp and that's rad. I love blacklights and glowy stuff and shit like that. Of course the lava lamp broke within the first couple of weeks, though. It's not even like I do anything crazy with my nice stuff, sometimes it all just craps out on me for no real reason. It's really not the best.
Sort of tempted to make coffee now. The tea is okay, but it's really only doing a good job of making me want coffee. Or I could play a game or something. Or write. It's all a mystery to me, dudes. I guess peace for now.