A Chiller Review: My Little Twisted Metal by Speedy Silverstreak

If you had asked me six months ago if I ever expected to do story critiques on here, then I might have called you crazy, for that would imply that I had a modicum of skill to make such a venture meaningful to any respectable new writer looking to get his hands and feet wet in this literary sea we call fanfiction. Never in a thousand years would I believe that I’d achieve the mental preparedness for such a venture. And yet here we are.

[WARNING: This Blog Contains A Mild Amount of Vulgar Language.]

Today, I bring you a review of a story called My Little Twisted Metal by Speedy Silverstreak, my first review ever released to the public in fact. So why am I doing this now of all times, you may wonder? Well, ladies and gents, this review has come at the request of the individual who wrote this piece.

Before I dive into this four thousand word story, I must emphasize that this person appears to share the very same passion that I for trying to create the best narrative that he can, and while he also seems to be much earlier on in his writing career than I, I do implore you to refrain from giving him any votes on his story after reading this passage, as it is solely meant for the betterment of him and anyone else finding themselves in his situation, stuck in a rut trying to figure out what it is they must do to improve their writing.

There are no shortcuts down this road, nor any road that I know of, but at least with the help of critiques, one can learn from their mistakes and carry on. The journey is long, but the rewards at the end of it are well worth the effort. If you love writing, never give it up. You will get better!

Without further ado, let us dig right into this story, shall we?

The first thing that I take note of on the opening page is that the title and artwork are pretty good. The title, while sticking very close to the original name of the show, is a catchy blend of the two franchises, and the artwork does a good job of portraying what you should expect from this story. It's about vehicles of mass destruction. As in, they literally carry weapons of mass destruction. Okay, maybe they don't have any nukes on board (that I know of), but they do have weapons of some kind. I'm not real familiar with the franchise, but Twisted Metal kind of reminds me of Mad Max, so I'll be using that to draw my knowledge from if that ever becomes relevant.

Tags: Sex, Gore, Alternate Universe, Crossover, Dark, Thriller
Character Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Celestia, OC, Main 6

Long Description:

Twilight hoped to use some spells to make traveling through the mirror portal easier. But after something goes wrong, she is sent to a alternate Equestria where a annual tournament takes place. The goal of the tournament: survive and kill to win.

The tags mostly match up with what you'd expect from the Twisted Metal franchise. Dark, Gore, Thriller...My first thought is that the Sex tag seems a bit odd to me with this kind of setting, but from what I've seen of this genre there’s nothing out of the ordinary about it, and I'm hardly the one to criticize this particular avenue in the first place, so I’ll refrain from objection.

One tag that does raise a concern though is the Alternate Universe tag. Although the setting established does qualify the usage of the tag, it does tend to make people wary of the story because some authors take this to mean that they can strip every characteristic that a reader loves about a character to make them fit whatever role they deem fit for their story. We'll see if that applies here.

Moving on to the description, I'd say there's a lot of work to be done here. While indicating the general direction that the story will head in, the premise does nothing in the way of enticing the reader into opening the book up. Furthermore, it draws attention to the tournament itself rather than the societal problems that have led to the foundation of the tournament.

One other worrisome note here is the tidbit at the end.

The goal of the tournament: survive and kill to win.

The message that the author is trying to convey here is innocent enough. This tournament is no game for the faint of heart. Without additional insight into her plight, it does one other thing, though, which is imply that Twilight Sparkle's best chance of getting home is by killing her way through this tournament she now finds herself in the midst of.

Without the most extreme of circumstance, she'd obviously never condone that degree of violence, let alone be a part of it herself if she can help it. So we must either expect this tournament to cause her to fall irreparably into a state where killing is alright to her, or be the end of her. With added depth to the story’s premise, I’d be more convinced that the climax of either scenario would be satisfying.

With a little rephrasing and allusion towards the possibility of there being another scenario, such as one where she comes out of this without killing, but still scarred by the grim outcome of some twisted venture through this dark world, would be positively astounding.

The added effort into making the description will make a world’s difference for attracting the prospective reader. That being said, I haven't seen anything yet that immediately turns me away, so I suppose it's time for us to get into this story.

Prologue: Manehatten

Twilight was walking out of her castle library, holding in her magic aura a book on dimension spells for the mirror portal. As she entered she set the book down and started reading. “I hope these spells will help with going to the human world and to Equestria easier.”

Well that was quick. No introduction, nothing to paint a bright and lovely picture to set it apart from the dark world that she will inevitably be sucked into, quite literally as we're about to find out, no reason as to why she suddenly feels compelled to return to the human world to meet back up with her human friends, just immediately getting straight to the plot. We have a cool, whole other Equestria to explore, so why bother with those small details?

There is one major question I have to ask. What has made Twilight want to do this now of all times? Is she counting the days until the alignment of the moon - the process takes about thirty moons, by the way - opens the portal again and realizing that that time is still far off? Is there some trigger that made her unable to keep her thoughts from them?  I guess we just have to take it on faith that she can't get them out of her head.

Twilight then casts a spell on the mirror bridging the Equestria girls universe and Equestria. After a flash of light, we are told that the spell worked. There was a problem with the casting of the spell, however, and the first indication that something was wrong was that the spell was working. No, seriously.

After Twilight performed the spell she prepared to pack some things, but started to notice something wrong. “huh? The portal hasn't stopped glowing. "I thought the spell worked” Twilight said as she looked in the spellbook again.

If the spell worked, why is she surprised that the portal is continuing to glow after she cast the spell? This doesn't make any logical sense. That's like turning on my oven, popping in a lasagna and expecting it to still be cold after an hour.

And apparently this mirror is some kind of vortex too, because it immediately sucks Twilight and her book (I'm still wondering where that book went off too, because as far as I know it doesn't appear on the other side) into the portal.

Twilight groaned as she started to wake up. She remembered the mirror pulling her in and her hitting her head, which cracked her horn preventing her use of magic. Twilight sighed as she looked around and saw that she was still a alicorn.

I'm not an expert on Unicorn physiology, but wouldn't Twilight be crying out in pain over having a cracked horn? I assume she'd at least have a dull ache if nothing else. Seeing as how it doesn't affect her in any other way except preventing her from using magic, I can only assume this is a convenient plot device for the author to somehow level the playing field later.

“I should've became a human. Wait….this is Manehatten.” she said as she looked around. She was right, she was in Manehatten but it looked darker and more rundown. Most of the buildings she past while walking were covered in holes and some were even left as a pile of rubble.

Aside from the awkward phrasing and grammatical errors, I find something mildly amusing about the setting here. Somehow, the buildings here made me think of Swiss cheese. The description of the state of Manehatten is … okay … I suppose, but an artistic flair would have earned the author some kudo points here.

For unfamiliar environments or ones with drastic change, some authors will spend several paragraphs depicting the scene, how its people, if any are present, are fairing, and/or introspection of the protagonist as they're living the experience of said environment. Sometimes, a whole chapter will be dedicated to such a description.

Then we get this:

She turned around and saw a flaming car fly past her with a older car following. The older car was a orange Cord 810 with a white circle on the door with a number eight inside it and two miniguns on the rear fenders. Then the car slid to a stop and turned around facing Twilight, who was shocked at what she just witnessed Twilight was about to say something when suddenly the car started firing at her. She ducked under the barrage of bullets whizzing over her head. as the car took off towards her and she ran into a nearby alley.

The pacing here is slightly too fast. I understand that it’s action, it’s thriller, but if your reader, one not intimately familiar with the game at any rate, has to read through this section a number of times to realize that the flaming car was most likely destroyed by the other car, something I can’t confirm because there weren’t any descriptors to indicate whether or not the flames were superficial and the driver still in action, then we might want to reword it to make it clear one way or the other.

I also suggest breaking this section up into multiple paragraphs. Something like this would work nicely.

‘Gliding through the air was a car erupted in flames. Quickly passing her, it dove and exploded into a furious blaze as it made contact with the ground.

Soon thereafter, another car, orange in color, drove up next to Twilight and slid to a stop. Sporting miniguns as its main arsenal, the metallic monstrosity menacingly swiveled in place to face her, causing her to swallow anxiously.

Without warning, it opened fire.’

I believe that this section could still use a bit more revision, but I wanted to illustrate just how adding a few details can make all the difference.

Anyways, Twilight is running through the alleyway, where she comes face to face with yet another car. Unlike the last one, this newcomer saves her by shooting rockets into the other car, and in a Deus Ex Machina style, the car blows up. She is then invited into the car, where she meets none other than. . .

“Who are you?” Twilight said to the stallion. He sighed and looked for the keys “names Speedy Silverstreak. I'm from Ponyville.”

And it’s at this point that, if the reader hasn't already left out of general confusion, one would now exit stage right, because with the name of the character matching the name of the user, that makes this story, for all intents and purposes, a Self-Insert.

Now, it is most likely that the author didn't intend this. I have met a few other people already who really have generated their user name based on original characters they have already created. There is no way for the reader to know this, however, and so the first conclusion that anyone would come to is that it is a Self-Insert that was wrongly tagged as OC.

Is Self-Insert bad? On a general note, there is nothing wrong with using a Self-Insert. However, you're against the audience from the get go if you use it because of how many stories there are in which the author will take away some feature or characteristic from a pony, or multiple ponies, whom they love and adore to make their Self-Insert or OC relevant to the plot.

Do you remember when Twilight first got into this alternate universe? Her horn cracked, making it impossible for her to use magic. This is one example of taking away a characteristic. Her power is now gone, and now she needs a knight in shining armor to come rescue her.

Come to think of it, this Twilight doesn't seem to have any of the endearing qualities that she normally possesses. Even without her magic, surely she's not completely defenseless. We've seen her face tough opponent's without her magic, or significantly weaker magic compared to that of her foes, before, just by using her quick wit to out maneuver her opponents.

Her dialogue seems a bit mechanical as well, but so far she hasn't said anything that completely goes against her character yet, so it appears that the author is trying to keep her in character with that regard at least.

So after Twilight meets Speedy, they discuss what is actually going on. Twilight Sparkle has found herself in the midst of a deadly tournament, and the Twilight Sparkle of this Equestria has been dead for fifteen years.

“I'm not from here. I'm from a different Equestria. I'm princess Twilight Sparkle.” As soon as she said her name he slammed the brakes and stopped. “You can't be serious. You're not Twilight Sparkle. Twilight Sparkle has been dead for fifteen years.” Twilight was shocked, she didn't believe she died. Suddenly the car's radio started up.

This new information has me wondering if this universe is set in the future in addition to it taking a drastically different turn than the one we’re familiar with, because as far as I am aware Twilight Sparkle is only a young adult, which if this was taken at present time, would have made her a foal when she died.

Upon introspection of my thoughts on the conclusion of this chapter, seeing that Celestia is somehow involved with the tournament, then it does make some sense now that the Twilight of this universe could have conceivably perished at her hooves when she was a foal.

However, if this is the case, I then fail to see how Speedy would know about Twilight at all, for she would have made little to no contribution to society yet as she was still early on in her studies under Celestia’s tutelage. Heck, Twilight didn’t even live in Ponyville yet, so I’m not sure how he’s so certain she’s not who she says she is.

There is one more detail that is arises later in the narrative that makes me believe that this is indeed the future rather than the present, but for now we can still list present as an unlikely but possible answer as to when this story takes place.

At the very end of the chapter, we discover that the host of said tournament appears to be orchestrated by somepony named Celestio, who is most likely actually Celestia. Additionally, this universe’s Twilight has done something to Pinkie Pie, causing her to turn to the dark side, and and the duo drives towards Fillydelphia, where the next round is said to take place, concluding the prologue of this story.

One additional note I must emphasize is that I don’t believe this is actually a prologue, but the first chapter in the narrative. A prologue is a separate excerpt that might or might not take place within a body of the main story which sets the world and characters. It might take place completely away from the protagonists in doing this. My understanding is that prologues don’t typically move the plot forward. If anyone has a different understanding of the way prologues work, I would like some feedback on this inquiry.

Chapter 1: The drive and Rainbow “Ms. Grimm” Dash

We open up chapter two with Twilight Sparkle and her new companion driving on a highway. Being low on gas, they pull over into a gas station where they are told the store is closed.

“We're closed! Go somewhere else to refuel!” Speedy pressed the response button to talk. “I'm a tournament competitor, I need fuel for the drive to Fillydelphia” Twilight and Speedy heard static until the manager came back on. “Sorry about that. What fuel do you need?”

I didn’t really take note of this happening in the prologue (guess I was focused on other issues), but the dialogue here seems to have two speakers in one paragraph; they really should get their own paragraph to avoid any confusion on the speaker of the dialogue tags. When you don’t, it makes it look like the manager of the store look like the one that is buying the fuel, when in reality it’s Speedy.

While Speedy is refueling his car, Pinkie Pie, who takes on the name Sweet Treat, - which isn’t explained until later in the scene - drives up to the gas station as well.

Speedy tried not to notice as the masked pink mare walked past, and the sound of her machete scraping against his car. Then he sighed in relief as she walked past into the station. “You're paying for that Sweet Treat.” he muttered.

So she keys his car and then leaves without saying anything? Talk about vindictive. I would think she’d have some choice words for him, given her negativity towards Twilight in the last chapter and the fact that he’s harboring her. She also immediately knows where to find Twilight Sparkle because she then makes a bee line for the bathroom where Twilight has gone.

When she gets there, she proclaims to Twilight that she is Sweet Treat and that she’s there to finish what she started. A bit of a scuffle breaks out; just as she is about to swing her machete, however, she is stopped by none other than Speedy.

Twilight  braced for the swing when Sweet Treat’s machete was flung out of her hoof. They both turned to see Speedy holding his gun aimed at them. “Let her go Sweet Treat! You know you can't kill during this time.” Twilight struggled within Sweet Treat’s grasp until she let go. Sweet Treat then walked past Speedy to her truck and drove off, leaving Twilight coughing and gasping for air.

There is absolutely no tension in this scene. So far she keyed Speedy’s car, pronounced her name, and drew her machete on Twilight. What kind of antagonist silently, expressionlessly complies with this response and then just leaves after coming this close to fulfilling their goal? Given what she has said thus far, she didn’t seem like she would be particularly affected by this ‘no kill’ clause. The whole scene felt like it could use some polishing with respect to the characters’ actions and motivations.

Afterwards, we go a bit into the backstory of Twisted Metal, the name for the tournament, which is a bit murky.

“What happened all those years ago?” Twilight said to herself. Speedy heard her and sighed “Fifteen years ago, Princess Celestia changed from her normal self. Nopony knows what happened but she became…..dark.”

“The Elements of Harmony tried to stop her but failed….badly. I think Applejack was killed in the fight and Twi…...you, were killed by Celestia, or Celestio as she calls herself. Afterwards the rest split apart and Celestio started Twisted Metal. She enjoyed watching everypony fight for the one thing they wanted: their greatest wish ever.”

This backstory is why I believe this is set in the future rather than the present, but without some indication stating that that’s the case, we as the readers take on the mindset that it is the present, which makes this explanation incredibly confusing. If this was the present, they wouldn’t have even had their elements of harmony, which contradicts the parameters for this fight to occur.

Maybe I’m reading far too much into this, but then again, this tends to happen when one presents the story as taking place in one time period and then spews out a large number of years to indicate a time gap in events.

If this actually intended to be set in the future, it needs to be stated somehow. When Speedy meets up with Twilight, for instance, he could notice how she hasn’t seemed to age a day in the last fifteen years.

One significantly less frustrating thing I note here is the description for Celestia, which seems unintentionally funny. I can’t help but picture her as a sith lord.

Other than the corny statement of her being ‘dark’, the level of ambiguity here is wonderful; it creates an allusion of Celestia having a propensity towards evil that isn’t characterized in our Equestria. If you take the subsequent paragraph and make it instead about generalizations about the questionable deeds she’s done in the past with an inclination towards evil, then that would make this the first part where I think this story could shine. Everypony’s dialogue tags still need their own paragraph, of course.

After some description into the tournament, we get to the point of why Speedy has entered into the tournament.

I did the tournament for one thing: to get back my family. They were killed during the tournament a few years ago and I vowed that I will end this.

If the winner’s greatest wish was more heavily emphasized to have no boundaries as is the case in the Twisted Metal games, then this statement would have made more sense. I had to research into how the wish making works in the Twisted Metal tournament to make the connection that Speedy can bring his family back to life. You really want to avoid having your readers have to do this because, generally speaking, if they have to research into source material for a crossover genre, then chances are you’ve lost them as a reader.

Without that background knowledge, this is what the statement looked to me:

‘I joined the tournament for one thing: to get back at those who killed my family. I vowed to myself that I will end this once and for all.’

In this instance, it turned out not to be too bad, because I was still able to connect some dots and continue on, but I suspect that those weren’t the dots the author wanted me as the reader to connect, and so I brought this up for future reference.

The rest of the chapter is pretty much about a broadcast in which Rainbow Dash is conversing with DJ Pon3 about her dark past. It’s pretty gruesome, actually. and I approve of the level of detail here.

“The pleasures mine. Now let's get this over with please.” Ms. Grimm said. “alright then. Why don't you tell us why you're doing the tournament?” the DJ said. “Well about ten to twelve years ago me and my sister Scootaloo were kidnapped by a pack of griffons. They locked us in a hole for weeks with no food or water. Then about a week on Scoots got very sick. I screamed for help but their leader showed up.”

“She was a old friend from flight school named Gilda. She threw down a knife saying the only way to survive is to eat. I knew what she meant but I refused to do so. I would never eat my own sister to save my life. After a few more days Scootaloo died and I was all alone.”

“A few weeks later I gave in. I took the knife and…….you okay?” They then heard what sounded like somepony vomiting.

This scene does an excellent job at detailing just how gruesome this alternate Equestria can be, and it gets my mind churning about all the different potential aspects about this Equestria, but each of them points back to one thing. The level of desperation everypony has to win this competition.

This is what I want to see more of - these ponies, each with an agenda that forces them to go up against each other in a way they otherwise wouldn’t normally go up against. Be it out of revenge or out of a longing to return things to the status quo, each pony has their own story, their own reason for doing the things they do. This part is seriously a diamond in the rough, folks.

Now, if only we saw more of Twilight’s motivations.

Chapter 2: Round 1: Fillydelphia

After a night's rest at the local hotel, Speedy and Twilight were sitting at their starting point on the outer edge of Fillydelphia. At least two thirds of the city was shut down for the tournament to take place. Twilight groaned as she waited for the start, she never wanted to do this round but Speedy said he needed somepony to direct him and plus he threatened her saying that she won’t get her wish from Celestio if she refused.

Finally, we get some thoughts into Twilight’s inner turmoil dealing with this Alternate Equestria. I would have liked to have seen more of this from the very beginning, but beggars can’t be choosers, I suppose.

After this, Princess Celestia announces the start of the tournament, and the battle of sixteen cars for the top eight positions of the next round commences, and the narrative then devolves into a cacophony of senseless action.

My biggest disappointment with the scene is not that there’s a lot of action, but that I can’t get into it. The two biggest antagonists mentioned for our unlikely duo thus far are Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, neither of which seem to be huge proponents to this round’s fight. Their voices, their motivations, their desperation to win aren’t really heard here.

The author has invested into the development of Rainbow Dash’s character, but withholds her from the fight until it’s basically over, instead basing a little bit of the action around a different character, Crimson Fury, whom I know nothing about.

This would also be the perfect time to go into more of Pinkie Pie’s backstory here, to draw relevance to her seemingly unfounded actions from the previous chapter, and delve deeper into the sadistic nature she has apparently developed over the course of these tournaments.

It would also be a great time to show more of Twilight Sparkle’s whole hesitance in this situation. She still sees Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie as friends; being forced to fight them has got to be affecting her negatively, but this is only lightly touched upon as if it was made with a broad stroke across canvas that was made too shallow.

Taking this narrative and telling the story from her third person limited perspective would fix a lot of issues I’m finding with her character at this moment, and there’s a lot of potential into getting to see more of what her inner struggle must be like here.

Other than that, there wasn’t much else to mention from this chapter. It didn’t really add anything new to the narrative that we didn’t already know. If it weren’t for them ‘advancing’ to the next round and introducing a few more characters that we have yet to develop any kind of bond with, I would say that this action didn’t move the plot forward in the slightest.

Chapter 3: The nightmare, Rarity "Dollface" Belle, amd a public service announcement

We open up the final publicized chapter at the time of this review with Twilight Sparkle taking a much deserved rest after the intense battle in the last chapter, and she enters her dreamscape where she is overcome with unpleasant imagery.

The scene that unfolds in her dream seems to be an attempt at some artistic and edgy writing, but what happens comes off more odd to me than dark.

Twilight was confused then suddenly gasped as Applejack open her mouth and blood poured out as well as out of her eyes which were black as night. She looked at the princesses in which princess Luna was in the same state as the farm mare. Twilight watched in shock and horror as the two then collapsed and died twitching. She then saw Rainbow Dash as Ms.Grimm looking at Twilight with glossy black eyes.

This dream is oddly specific about what is occurring, which is contrary to how dreams usually play out. Their significance is usually a garbled mess of inane actions with a seldom scare moment that makes the dreamer shudder with horror.

The placement of this nightmare does make sense, however, as Twilight did just go through a traumatic experience, or what I assume to be traumatic for her at any rate, which would produce the nightmare. By dialing back some of the details of this portion and highlight more of her happier moments, a better contrast to the dark ending of her dream could be obtained.

Following the dream, Twilight finds Celestio, who proceeds to talk to her, in her dreamscape.

“So……” Celestia finally said to the pale and scared Twilight “after fifteen whole years…..you're still alive. And somehow a alicorn as well.” Twilight then realized that this was Celestio, somehow using the dreamscape spell Luna did. “But…...I'm not from this world. I'm from a different Equestria.” Twilight said to the founder of the tournament.

“Oh I know that” Celestio said “you just remind me so much of her. To bad killing you could cause some reality warping problems. But…..since I am the founder of Twisted Metal…..maybe I can change the rules a bit. Hope you enjoyed your dream Twilight Sparkle. Now you face reality.”

...To bad killing you could cause some reality warping problems.

In what way, exactly, does it warp reality?

I am completely lost here. I simply can’t fathom this idea without any explanation. This contrivance not only wouldn’t come up in their interaction in this fashion (what villain in their right mind would admit they don’t hold that kind of power over the protagonist), but it renders future suspense meaningless. Additionally, it creates a jarring experience for the readers.

I’m going to take a step back here and explain myself. Take time hopping, for example. If you jump back into the past and kill your past self, does your present self cease to exist, or have you just created another universe with alternative events in the timeline? The outcome is highly debatable, and arguments have been made that give credence towards either outcome being probable with various degrees of uncertainty, pending on the specific action taken to change the past.

While time hopping can still be highly confusing, there are still certain parameters in place. A past self who meets present self is now aware that time hopping is possible, and if they are severely injured, they are now crippled in their own timeline, if not in the present self’s timeline.

This explanation takes away even those parameters, leaving it up to the reader’s discretion on how to interpret the message. What happens should Twilight die here now can literally mean anything for this universe. Since it’s left up to my imagination, then I shall posit that if she dies, a black hole shall inexplicably erupt from the depth of her soul to devour the whole universe into nothing; my imagination is ludicrous, and maybe somewhat unjustified here, but without reasoning as to why it warps reality in the first place, can you really blame me?

Another thing this explanation does is tell the reader that Celestio can’t let Twilight die in the tournament, which means that should the situation arise where Twilight and Speedy are in actual danger, then she must swoop in and save the day. This completely breaks the dark image the author is trying to set for her.

Anyways, Celestio turns into a demon in tortures Twilight in her dream because she is powerless to do anything to her in the waking world and must instead resort to torturing her in her sleep. Afterwards, Twilight wakes up, and it’s announced that the duo still has six hours of traveling to go before they reach the destination of the next round of the competition.

Disturbed by the silence, Twilight fiddles with the radio knob until she tunes in to the radio broadcast with DJ Pon3 again, who introduces another one of the competitors.

I’m slightly less impressed with this broadcast than I was with the last, and that could be because I feel that there is a disconnect between her and the pony she wants to take revenge on. Unlike with Rainbow Dash’s nemesis, who was clearly defined as Gilda, this nemesis gets no name.

Adding onto that, she seems to have two different events, each with their own offender, with which to take revenge upon: the pony, who caused her traffic accident and messed up her beautiful face, and her boss, who inexplicably attacked her and locked a mask on her face.

What is with this mask, anyways?

“...No matter how much I try it will never come off. Point blank gunshots, corrosive materials, even simple lockpicking, but nothing is gonna get this damn mask off.”

The broadcast is then interrupted, and Celestio makes the announcement for all the competitors to capture Twilight and to kill Speedy on sight. This would be a whole lot more impactful if we weren’t already told that Celestio couldn’t kill Twilight.

The final scene in this chapter takes place inside Celestio’s castle with two of her cohorts, Cadence and Minion, who was a black and green bug with a horned yak skull. Minion is apparently the holder of the title from the previous tournament, but I’m not entirely certain of Cadence’s role in this world is yet. As Celestio takes a provocative action toward her, licking her ear, I guess this makes Cadence Celestio’s plaything, but I could be wrong about that. At the very least, this makes the Sex tag that I was curious about from before justified.

My final thoughts into this piece are as follows:

There is a good story in here somewhere that is somewhat muddled in convoluted plot devices and poor characterization of Twilight, who doesn’t seem to do much of anything except be along for the ride in this plot. It is rife with with grammatical errors, which I haven’t touched upon very much in this review because they can easily be corrected with the help of an editor.

My suggestion to the author is to find a editor and/or proofreader. A second pair of eyes on the work can help one can make the most significant impact to the reader’s emotions that they can in their prose, and shouldn’t be forgone for the sake of getting one’s work out there faster.

And Don’t give up on writing; one tends to get better the more they work at something, and this form of creativity empowers the mind to grow both mentally and emotionally as an individual. Continue to strive towards the best individual you can be, one that you can be proud of!

As this is my first review, I hope that it has been helpful, and if there are any pointers to improve any future critiques I may do, I am open to accept suggestions about where I can improve in this area. It'll also be helpful if you find something that I didn't take note of that you think I should. A question I have for you is: do you think that, should the opportunity present itself where an author requests me to review one of their works, that I should take that opportunity again?