Putting Fimfic Aside For Now/ Probably Forever. My Sincerest Apologies

I don't know if or when I'm coming back here. My school and future chances at employment are more important than writing for enjoyment of people.

I still check out the site itself but I have to admit that of the stories I'm following I haven't kept up with them and I have recently found that when I do try writing pony stuff now I sadly spend more time realizing that the story I have I will never complete due to that lack of motivation that is directly tied to my continued inability to watch MLP for any reason and forcing myself to do something I have done before but I have to say that there is a sad fact that I might have to leave everything here incomplete. I have tried to force myself to write and keep a cheery picture on things- but I have nothing to show for it for almost a few months to a year besides the rare update of a work that does much better on fanfiction than on here.

I still read people's works (primarily of friends) but the idea that I have to keep coming back to try to finish something to make myself feel better about myself is a toxic thing that only recently I have come to terms with and reading most of my works- highly shaped by psychological or familial issues tends to make me realize that for the best hope for me to A. Continue on and grow as a person and B. Not die cause that's always a thing back there in my head- I have to move on.

MLP used to be a safe haven and writing center for me to realize that yes I do matter as a person and the whole fandom and community is a fantastic place overall but as my now two or three times before where I said that this would be my last time doing anything here shows I have issues with commitment. Primarily because of my brains inability to be more focused on ideas than execution, cool things rather than complete narratives. I need to cut my losses and focus on only a few things now. Unlike my freshman year where I could write all the time and not give a shit about grades cause I was overall rocking it- and also highly messed up after dealing with a long term illicit relationship that turned highly sour and made me continue down this point to now- I was horribly depressed.

It's still there and like psychological issues are wont to do- probably won't ever truly go away. But in those now almost five years I've steadily cooled at my love for the show- no more am I rabidly proselytizing about the fandom and yet I hold this place dearly- I have to move on. Fanfiction.net while a terrible UI, is now starting to be more viable to me.

Unlike here I'm not really constrained there (besides by ratings and by authors who do not allow fanfics of their works on the site which gladly is nobody I care for so no skin off my back) I often get emails when I post chapters on the site with favorites or followers constantly and if I uploaded more it would be continuously fun.

That's what's missing here.

I started seeing this as a chore to do anything here because of the constraints (and I've been waiting for a year for those whispers of this site turning partially to genfiction. . .) While fanfiction.net, while buggy and a UI hell on earth now makes me excited.

I wrote seven thousand words in August over a completely non pony thing and I felt accomplished. I mean it was one of the quickest chapter turnarounds I've had since 2012. And tonight I finally broke writers block and know how chapter four might go. And that's both a fantastic thing to finally realize and see- a drive to want to COMPLETE a story. Not keep it in an incomplete ghetto.

I feel like every scrap or idea collecting dust is still an accomplishment. I'm sorry this happened though.

I just know that I need to take time for myself and finally realize that I have absolutely nothing keeping me here besides guilt over incomplete stories that stay incomplete because of that guilt. I've spent so much time in my life wanting to be accepted that it turned into an obsession. I need to let that go.

And the first step is growing up and realizing that with my inaction on here and continued inability to write anything besides plot synopses and short descriptions and create this giant fantasy land of a magical story that I would never complete over and over.

It isn't just writers block. It's me figuring out that probably I've moved on besides maybe a few stories I'll move over from the massive list of unsubmitted stories.

But now I know. One story at a time. No more fifteen ideas and no work to show for it.

I've spent weeks debating this and it pains me but I have to do it for my health and future success as anything. Don't procrastinate when you can do something I guess.

Guess its important to me now. I am going to be 23 by the 19th of January. Which when I'm posting this is about forty minutes away. I guess this is a wake up call and early birthday present to myself.