"In the Crystal Grove" Story Critique.

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[Story Link]
This deconstructive critique thingy was done at the behest of Weatherbug. Be it through snow or sleet, rain or hail, the Meat delivers without fail.
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Augh… where would she have gone? I wondered as I trotted along the nearly empty streets of the Crystal Empire. The sun should be setting soon. “Where could you have disappeared to, Jade?” I murmured to the wind.

The wind didn’t answer; the prick.

Spotting a familiar sign that read “The Diamond in the Rough” I couldn't help but smile fondly. Remembering the day Jade and I had met in the very same bar.

“The Diamond in the Rough” was actually the name of a lingerie store near where I used to live. At one point they had a sale on, and I’m not kidding, Sexy Clown outfits.

In front of me sat a faintly glowing blue crystal pool table, with ruby trim to help define the edges as well as the pockets. The tables felt was a rosey red to match the ruby crystal trim.

Rosey? As in the pro wrestler? That’s… pretty cool actually.

Two stallions were in a heated game, they laughed and talked seriously about bets and rather an earth pony could beat a unicorn in such a game. I’d bet on the earth pony.

Quite the run-on sentence you got ‘ere bud.

I walked towards the pool table, beyond it were the party booths but to the far left, around the corner was the bar, and as it came into view I almost wanted to smile until the sight registered.

Geez man, this is like 3 sentences mashed into one.

As I walked up behind her, I half expected her to turn and look at me, just out of curiosity. Normally she wouldn’t allow anyone to just walk up behind her like this. Instead, her head hung low as if lost in thought until her head bobbed with a drink to her lips.

Bobbing your head while drinking seems kinda inconvenient. Unless… she’s… getting it straight from the barman’s tap. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I’ve never seen her like this… What’s going on here?

I’d make a follow-up joke here, but it would suck. kill me.

She finally spoke, her voice was wistfully quiet. “My little brother… He was a good foal. Bright and intelligent. Our parents, died to Sombra too, early on, they tried to protect us but, they were killed in front of us before they separated us in slavery.” She paused as if recalling a horrible memory. “My Father was an earth pony. My mother was a unicorn. He happened to take after our Mother. While I, on the other hoof, took after our father.

Missing a double quotation mark at the end there.

We walked in silence, for a while until Jade spoke again. “My brother and I used to walk to the schoolhouse that used to be down this way. You know, before they tore it down and moved it towards the center of town.”

“Wasn't the old one destroyed by Sombra? I was done with school by the time the new one was build, don't think ever looked into why it had to be relocated…” I asked, tilting my head back a bit with the thought.

What’s up with evil dictators always destroying schools? Is it like a hobby or something?

Inside the cluster of crystals stood a young tree with three large crystal grave markers in the ground in front of it. “My brother and I had bought an acorn from a young traveler and planted this here back when he was still going to school. It was our little secret and his favorite place in the whole kingdom.” Jade fell quiet as we walked towards the gravestones. I could see tears silently dripping through her fur.

How would they successfully grow an acorn tree in the crystal empire, considering that the crystal hearts weathershield would have been inactive for a few years at the very least pre-banishment? Because if that wasn't the case, then that would mean Sombra is just that good at destroying schools.

I looked down at the crystals, each one had a name elegantly imprinted on them. “Your family…” I could feel tears coming on now. I sniffled and suddenly felt Jade clinging to me, her face hidden in my neck and under my mane. I put my hooves around her gently. “Your family would be proud.”

I imagine they’d be more impressed she managed to keep the oak alive through Sombra’s reign.

Many years have passed since that night. So many fantastic and wonderful years. Few tears slipped from my aged eyes. Too tired to cry anymore. I peered onwards at the Great White Oak that stood in front of me. The trees upper reaches had grown almost as tall as the crystals that protected it.

Woha, that’s one hell of a time skip right there.

Its roots have grown around the same three markers. I took a few steps forward and sat down in front of them. I know you will love this, my love… And I hope one day to join you here again.
I had come to learn the one on the right had her father engraved in it. Sir Sapphire.
On the far left was her mother. Emerald Whisper.
The center crystal had her younger brother’s name transcribed on it. Opel Skies.

Opel? As in the German car manufacturer?

As I finished, I laid down in front of the gravestone. “I’m glad I could make your wishes come true, Jade,” I whispered before leaning forward and kissing her name gently. “I love you.”

What she wished for shalt not be mentioned. It was probably something lewd, anyway. Like interior design, or fancy tiles. shudder

My voice was slow to come but as I turned to leave. “Come now you two... They have a lot of catching up to do. More than a thousand years worth.”

This is quite a nice ending. Gives a good sense of closure. Bit cliché though.

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All in all, it was a rather nice and simple ‘feels’ story. Bit bare bones and generic, but nice. The wording is a bit awkward at some points, and there are a few run-on sentences, however that does not detract too much from the story. It’s a good, quick read that may make you feel things. Check it out if that’s your thing.