Apr
3rd
2016
Stressed. · 11:10pm Apr 3rd, 2016
I know this blog has been a whinefest lately but I do need to vent.
I'm stressed out. The sleep paralysis was a clue, but I'm also in a lot of pain from my endo, feeling paranoid that people hate me, depressed and anxious. Worrying that I'll suck at my new job or be incompetent.
Having very little money isn't helping, but it's also the logistics of moving etc. Moving is stressful and takes up a lot of energy.
I just feel like I want to sleep for days but I can't.
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Captain Wuzz · 579 views
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As someone who suffers from anxiety, I can completely understand feeling something that isn't true, even though you have no notion to believe it. Your mind believing something even though you know otherwise, but it decides to believe the anxiety. Mighty suckish. Don't worry. I'm willing to bet (I'm not a betting type of person.) that people don't hate you. And, in concern to your new job, if they hired you then they deemed you competent. If they deemed you competent, then even if you can't trust your abilities, trust their opinion of your abilities. I have faith in you.
Oh, please don't worry about needing to vent!
All I can really say is that it's completely understandable that you're stressed out in the midst of trying to move. Even under the best of circumstances that's really stressful. And stress has an unfortunate tendency to feed anxiety--at least it does in my case, but in general too I would think.
From what I know of you I think you'll do great at this job.
If venting helps; then vent
For what it's worth; I believe in you. You'll do good with the new job.
We don't hate you.
Not sure if I've said it yet; but just in case I haven't: you can PM me if you ever want/need to
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This is so right on. When hormones are running amuck I can be feeling intensely negative or overwhelmed by something...that I know will be ok... But it is like an out of body experience where you can see that you are getting all spun up but the awareness doesn't seem to stop the feelings. Sometimes though I will start laughing while crying and you look nutburgers to anyone who sees it, but it is kinda the greatest.
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Anxiety is one of the things that just kinda.... sucks. Like, just getting a date is so impossible. I'll read all the signs and junk, be SURE that she likes me, then, but nah Anxiety's at the door. She doesn't like you. You're overthinking. You're misreading. You're clearly wrong. She's just thinking friends. LOOK AWAY! DON'T RUIN IT! WALK AWAY BEFORE YOU RUIN IT YOU IDIOT!
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Haha this is me with relationships, which is probably why I've been single for 8 years now.
And yeah, I can't really see anything good about anxiety. Hypomania yes, anxiety just feels BAD.
3849180
It's probably why I've never had a physical relationship. (It's so much easier when it's online and THEY confess to YOU. Removes the entire worry factor, though it does cause some problems with jealousy.)
And, no doubt about it, anxiety really does just feel bad. It's sort've like a Facebook message. You hear the noise, and your browser tab flashes. YOU CANT IGNORE THE FLASH, so you have to look at it. What's that on the computer? Why, it's a message from Brain Mcgee. What does he want?
How cantankerous, Mr. Mcgee.
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I had an online relationship when I was younger and it was so difficult. He lived in another country! Needless to say it didn't work out. I'm sure there are people that can make it work, but for me they have to live nearby.
She says, talking like she's ever going to have a relationship again. :P *Lives vicariously through shipping instead*
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Mine were usually states away, and in one situation, they were in Canada. I could've probably made it work, but they apparently couldn't.
I feel you on that last part. My romance is shipping, and is actually where I get my smoothest words. You'd be surprised how much it helps me in furthering prospective relationships, though I've yet to find one that I didn't anxiety-out.
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Thank you all. Just about coping. I don't get how people function day to day sometimes. I struggle to do what most people find really easy. Organising everything to move is a nightmare and I'm tired all the time. :(
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I worry it just makes me go further and further away from coping with real relationships, but then every relationship I've had has ended in misery or just made me feel even more unloved. My out of control emotions didn't help.
Oh man, I relate to Discord too much.
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I don't worry about it at all, as things I've seen in fanfictions actually tend to help when someone needs me for something, or I need reference for how to act.
And I can agree to that. I'm a personality of contradictions, and I like to think Discord's emotions are like waves and he just gets to roll with them. I'm very similar to that. Like, I know that they're not ignoring me. They told me that they didn't like to reply when it meant the conversation would only last a minute or too. I KNOW that, but my mind keeps telling me I did something wrong. I made a mistake. I've done something that's ruined it all.
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I like to think of the chaos he carries as a metaphor for severe emotional problems.
I'm Bipolar and when a certain mood hits it doesn't matter how much logic I use to convince myself, the good or bad mood will convince me it's real. It's like having a speed demon in the passenger seat.
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I'm not entirely sure whether I'm Bipolar, but I do occasionally get this URGE to feel a certain way. Sort've like someone pulling on your arm, gently getting harder. I'm pretty sure it's more the anxiety than Bipolar Disorder, though.
That does, however, make sense. I feel as though his chaotic personality goes deeper than his desires. His emotional state is most likely chaotic, in the sense that a tug could probably send it spiraling.
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I was about to say "if you're Bipolar you'll know" but that's rubbish, because I didn't know I was for years. I assumed everyone experienced emotions like mine and I couldn't understand how people could cope easily with situations I found unbelievably painful. Thank goodness I'm on my way to being properly medicated. If the lamotrigine takes hold, I might not even miss the mania anymore.
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Honestly, that's the way I was. I always just thought everyone else thought the way I did, acted like I did. It's why I didn't understand for so long that no one understood how I thought. Like I said, I'm not entirely sure how this stuff works, but small things that don't bother other people, would bother me. I'm not entirely sure why, it was just little things. Taking my chair? It always annoyed me. It was things that wouldn't bother other people, but it did bother me.
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Yeah the thing that people don't realize about Bipolar is it's not just a swing between very happy and very sad (though given its name it's understandable that people would think that). It does that with ALL your emotions. I would get SO angry I almost felt physically ill over the smallest things. Doubt about a person would become extreme paranoia and so forth. But because the emotions are so strong I had no reason to doubt them and people trying to convince me otherwise just didn't get it. If I FELT it, it was real. If I felt a person was out to get me, then as far as I was concerned it was REAL even if it wasn't.
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Right. A common misconception about Bipolar disorder is it's just one emotion to one emotion that's INTENSE. I mean, I would get pumping with adrenaline because of a small little thing. I'm STILL extremely paranoid about possibly making things uncomfortable, overstaying my welcome, saying too much, ruining things, etc. I felt it. That's what made it real. As far as I was concerned, it was real. I felt it, so why wouldn't it have been? And the worst part about it is that I'm smart, logical and rational. I would always VALIDATE everything I felt. I would give reason after reason unconsciously why it would be true, and would utterly dismiss any reason why it would be false.
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I wish there was more we could do to help.
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Have you been formally diagnosed? Might be worth doing so. I'm shifting off my old meds onto new ones and the new ones are making me feel more balanced already. Too bad coming off the old ones is making me feel sick.
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I'm afraid that diagnosing would lead to medication. I am uncomfortable with taking medication in situations like this. After all, it doesn't impact my life in a way that makes it unlivable, though sometimes it can be hard. I just don't like the idea of someone trying to fix me.
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Fair enough. It doesn't work for everyone. Personally I can't really function when I swing into a depressed and paranoid mood. I love the hypomania but it was short lived compared to the bad moods. FWIW my new medication doesn't make me feel like a zombie or anything, it just makes me feel normal and able to function. I can still be creative and funny. I don't really think it's about trying to be "fixed" with regards to your personality. Brain chemistry is a physical illness like any other. If I broke my leg I'd want it to be better.
But as I said, it's not for everyone, and if you can function then that's good. :)
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I can usually function regardless, I'll just have the urge not to. I'll have to force myself, as is the norm, but I will eventually be able to do it. It usually doesn't happen often, thankfully, but there are days.