Christmas

I wish all none of you who read this happy holidays and a merry Christmas time with family and friends and people you enjoy having around. I really do.

I know I've been using my blog to bitch a lot about this and that, so I'll try and keep this short while still allowing me to put down my thoughts so that they may not haunt me as they are doing now.

Christmas is the worst.
I don't mean in general, I'm not saying it isn't enjoyable. It just isn't for me, hasn't been in years.

If you're actually reading this, chances are you've read the previous blog as well. Let's just say that when it rains, it pours, and any ray of light shining through the clouds is merely a glimmer of hope to be viciously extinguished come the next moment.
I finally got invited to an interview for the internship I need to do in January. Good news, right? Even better knowing that even if it turns out negative, I can still get one at a lab my stepdad works in on short notice.

However, the trouble with my girlfriend I mentioned developed into a situation where she is now my ex-girlfriend. And even though that is something probably everyone ever went through at least once, I find it hard to cope with, and the thought doesn't sit well with me. I lost the only person I ever truly confided in, the only one I fully trusted, and I have never felt so utterly alone.
We've agreed on each taking our time before we speak to one another again. I'm not sure I ever will be able to, and it tears me up inside.

Add a heaping serving of almost every family member being at each other's throats because, well, Christmas and general idiocy, sprinkle a little me being on the receiving end of complaints, badmouthing and emotional baggage on top and marvel at the increasingly unbearing load that is my life.

The icing on the cake was today's graduation class meeting. I originally intended to not even go, and in retrospect it is the obvious better choice. However the possibility of getting to talk to the one or two people I got along with in highschool seemed to outweigh any negative aspects. I was wrong. Just walking the same roads again as I did then brought back unpleasant memories, and I never actually entered the bar the meeting was held at. By the time I got there, all I could do is continue walking back to my car, and recognizing some people around didn't help that situation in the slightest.

I know that the situation at hand is about at its peak and it'll likely calm down once the holidays are over, but I can't deal with any more of this. I just can't. Not another minute, not another SECOND of this.
I am beyond my breaking point. I haven't slept more than three hours in two weeks, my teeth hurt so bad I can barely eat from them being clenched shut and I can't remember the last time I actually found joy in anything but pain.

It doesn't help that people, especially my mom, are noticing and prying, trying to get me to talk, while at the same time disregarding me telling her to stop talking about family and how my grandma and aunt and uncle don't like me and disagree with everything I'm doing. I already have too much on my mind, the sleep deprivation and runaway thoughts give me a crippling headache, so why won't they listen when I tell them I can't take any more?
I don't know. I do know, however, that this is most definitely the worst I've felt since trying to off myself. It's so overbearing that I'm running on autopilot and anything beyond basic functionality is shut down. I can feel the pain and anger and hurt deep down, but right now it's like observing an enraged beast from a distance with a 10" protective glass wall in between.

Again, I know likely nobody will read this ever. Still, if you have any ideas, thoughts or suggestions to help deal with stress, strain and barely suppressed feelings, please tell me. Please. I'm grasping at straws because while the craving is there, the sane part of my mind tries its hardest to keep me from relapsing. If this doesn't change soon, there is no guarantee I won't do something utterly stupid and insane.