Things I Hate About Things I Love: My Best Friend · 1:14am Jul 22nd, 2015
This one is a bit more personal, and I don't expect everyone to have a similar relationship with their best friend. However, I believe that most people understand the difference between enemy hate and brotherly hate. This is mostly the latter.
My best friend is a guy by the name of Prince Conjure (check him out, he's trying this whole fanfic thing out, finally). Now, me and his highness are about as close of friends as any two introverted dorks can be. Thing is, there are certain things he does that makes me wanna stab him in the neck with a plastic spoon. Here are some of them.
For one, he can't focus worth sh*t. There have been several instances in which I say something of major importance, he'll go "uh-huh", then, two minutes later, when my important thing could have helped him, he goes "Why didn't you tell me?!" It's one of the most annoying things ever. The worst version of that is when I say something, he ignores me, and then he says it back to me in two hours as if he had discovered it and I never knew. Beyond infuriating.
Then there's this thing he does whenever we have debates. As I'm sure you can tell by the length of my comments, messages, and blog posts, I can get rather wordy whenever I'm in a comfortable situation. I'm comfortable enough around him, so I talk/type a lot to and with him. This leads to arguments. I'm better with my words than Conjure, so when he inevitably loses the argument, he just goes "okay", or "whatever", then stops talking. Every single time he does it, I scream very loudly, regardless of whether he'd be able to hear me or not. When I'm in an argument, I will only be satisfied when one of two things occur: When my opponent takes me to a point where I understand where they're coming for and respect it or they make me feel like a jackass, because I realize they were super right. Conjure is hellbent on making sure I get neither.
He's loud as hell, which is shocking to me. For such an awkward little dude (heh), he has a huge mouth on him. What's worse is that he's one of those contagious loudmouths, and I find myself being super loud along with him. It takes me out of character because I'm a more measured, calm, even person in general. All that goes out the window when you put me and Conjure in the same room.
Oh, and he's such a smarmy little prick. There's this thing he does, and he does it exclusively because he knows it pisses me off. We'll be talking about something video game related, and I'll warn him, he'll ignore me, get himself killed, then later talk about it as if he warned me, and I was the one to eat shit.
This man got me locked out of my house over a sandwich. Lemme paint the scene for y'all. I'm in Queens, New York for vacation, my old stomping grounds. My grandmother, whom I was staying with for the duration of this vacay, lives just down the block from Conjure. As a result, he was over every day I was there. One day, as the clock neared six or seven PM, he decides that he needs a sandwich. Me, being the good pal I am, decide to give my poor, awkward compadre the much-needed company. I grab my hoodie, slip into my flip-flops (I was too lazy for kicks), and we leave the house. He grabs the door, opens it, we step out, and he closes it. As the door swings shut, it begins to drizzle. I decide to go back inside to put on my sneakers, so my feet would stay dry/warm. I twist the knob and it stops. We look at each other and go "Ruh-roh". Besides my very sleeping grandmother, nobody was in the house. My stepdad: Gone. His brother: Gone. Brother's Fiance: Gone. So, we look at each other, let out a satisfying "Sh*t!", and go to get him his sandwich. We had to wake up my grandmother by banging on her window, and she didn't appreciate that much.
The next things he does are very minor things that bug me way more than it should. For one, he refuses to consistently use commas in his work. I edit and proofread for him, and a part of me dies every time I have to remind him, which is every time. Another thing is that he doesn't have the same respect for music that I do. Let me explain. I am, to put it simply, an Eminem Fanboy. Name an Em song, I've either heard it or heard of it. I tend to listen to Eminem when I talk to Conjure. I tend to sing when I listen. Conjure will then, days later, recite a verse he overheard from me. It bugs me because he doesn't know the song, and, sometimes, he doesn't even know the artist. You don't even like the song! You don't like Eminem, for some reason! Don't disrespect the lyrics, you jerk!
Last thing I'm gonna talk about is how painfully un-picky and critical he is. A while back, I made the mistake of asking him what his favorite type of music is. He says he doesn't have a favorite. Bullsh*t, I say. I ask him what are some of his favorite songs. He likes all music, he says. We pick his brain for a bit, and, as it so happens, Conjure has no idea what type of music he likes. He doesn't even know what makes a song good.
Me: What qualities does a good song have in your book? How do you know if a song is good?
Conjure: I know it's good if I listen to it a lot.
Me: Okay, but why do you listen to it a lot?
Conjure: Cause it's good.
Me: But what does it have to do to be good?
Conjure: It has to make me want to listen to it a lot.
Me: What makes you want to listen to it a lot?
Conjure: When it's good.
This went on for several minutes. Then, he tries to flip it on me, as if I wouldn't have an answer. I know exactly what makes a song good for me. It has to be either clever, inspirational, or powerful. If it's rap, the wordplay and the flow has to be smooth, fast, and funny. If it's something like rock, it has to be powerful, satisfying, and it has to make me feel something. And it's nuts, because there are several songs that both he and I love, and I can say what I like about it while he cannot.
Don't even get me started on his tastes in anime and video games. He will rabidly defend Sonic Unleashed and other awful games, despite not being able to list me any saving graces. He scolds me for bashing the terrible story of the Gears of War series, insisting that it's well-written and impactful, even though it's just a dumb, meathead, shoot-the-bad-guys game. And anime, oh my god! He made me watch two of the worst anime I have ever seen, those being Heaven's Lost Property and Tenchi Muyo GXP. He claims that they get better, but I couldn't make it past the first five episodes of HLP, and I tapped out of Tenchi after episode one. Me and Conjure are very different in that sense: For me, something is good if it's good. For him, something is good if it doesn't make him want to gouge his own eyes out. It's as if we went to dinner. My meal is good if it's well cooked and seasoned. His meal is good if it doesn't give him food poisoning.
Well, that's enough rambling about my buddy for today. I don't want any of you guys to gleam the idea that I don't like him from this. On the contrary, I wouldn't be doing this blog if I didn't like him. It's "Things I Hate About Things I Love", not "Things I Hate About Things I Hate". I'll save that for the Teen Titans Go! rant (Conjure defends that trainwreck, too!). If you have a best friend who drives you nuts, tell me about him/her. I'm always interested to see a friendship dynamic. That's why two of my favorite YouTubers are Super Best Friends and Good Mythical Morning. Remember, a good friend should make you question your friendship all the time.
A friend helps you up when you trip. A best friend laughs at how badly you just bust your ass. Farewell, amigos. Till the next time!
I remeber sooooooooo many things here. I read paragraph after paragraph laughing my ass off. But I want to say a few things here.
First of all, only you have that problem. Nobody else I know is pissed when I say "okay" or "whatever" at the end of an argument. Secondly, I do have a favorite type of music (It's rock, I'm listening to You're Gonna Go Far Kid by The Offspring as I type) and the reason I like it is because a lot of rock music has a really black and white perspective to it.In my head, I can clearly see a story where there's a challenge the artist must face and overcome for the song to come to an end. Maybe I'll do a one chapter story about that. Thirdly, I admit, Gears of War doesn't have the best story and Sonic Unleashed has bad controls and a camera angle that'd make any die hard fan of the series rip their hair out. But before you start congratulating yourself on winning the argument, I have one thing to say.
Okay.
Fourthly (I think), I have since given up on persuading you to watch bad anime because I have come to a realization that I love anime that would be considered trashy, but I'm proud.
IT WASN'T MY FAULT! That sandwich was calling for me okay?! That sandwich neeeeeeeeded me!
Finally, I want to say one thing. I am not short, I'm just shorter than you. I refuse for you to use that against me anymore.
Finally plus, I want to thank you for making this roast. It was funny as h-e-double sippy straws and I needed the laugh.
3258975 Anytime, compadre. I love that we're really running with H-E-Double-Sippy Straws. More people need to use that.