Personal Ramblings You Shouldnt Care About...

I don't really know why I'm writing this here of all places, but I figure I should say it somewhere...

Do you ever get to a point in life where you think you're happy but deep down, when you're alone with your true thoughts, you realize you aren't? Not to sound dramatic, but...eh, who am I kidding; I'm a writer. Everything I write is either dramatic or off the wall...

Anywho, I've come to the realization that even though I feel like I'm doing OK in life and that things aren't all that bad....every single night when the only sound is the vent on my ceiling I know that...I'm not really OK...

I'm..depressed I guess...? Anxious for something unknown? Am I cursed? I don't know what it is...I just know that something is wrong with me in someway.

I know some people say there's good and bad in everyone, but lately I feel like the bad has really taken over the good. The happy and good natured side of me is apparent on the outside, but inside I just feel...twisted, I guess you could say. Messed up; always angry or sad about something, even the littlest thing.

Probably doesn't help that I'm a bit of a loner...everyone I knew back in high school didn't stick around long after we graduated, and that was two years ago. Or maybe...it was me who didn't stick around with them. Some of them got to see the ugly side of me too much and just had enough. Some just faded out into disconnection.

I won't deny I'm lonely. But I can't have a relationship; all my past ones have ended in me being cheated on or left for someone else, but honestly I don't blame those gals. I'm not handsome, and only of average intelligence. And I...for some ungodly reason...always hide my true self from them...I know they say love those who love you for you,but who can love someone like me?

I ain't making much sense am I...?

Let me try to narrow things down...I look in the mirror, and my eyes see a human being. But my soul...well, it sees evil in my reflection. They say the devil was obsessed with his image in mirrors, and I sometimes randomly find myself looking at my reflection in any place there is a reflective surface so that could support the fact...

I try to Bea good person...but I feel more and more each day that its only a facade...I'm not a good person...I'm very....very bad...and not in the cool way...

Selfish...arrogant...narcissistic and yet self-loathing...deceitful...sometimes on rare occasion...violent...

I'm just a wraith wearing human skin...and yet I try to convince myself I'm not as bad as I think...but anytime iI see my damn reflection...I remember that I really am as bad as I think....

I'm not really of use to anyone, and I rarely speak with even my immediate family...what purpose do I serve here?

I write, and game, and make videos, but sometimes I wonder why...why do I do this? It isn't truly helpfulto any kind of cause; im no Markiplier, I'm no ObabScribbler, I'm just....the guy who tries to tell the world how things should be, but doesn't practice what he preaches.

I plead peace, love, tolerance, and acceptance, but inside I harbor war, hate, ignorance, and disdain and denial...

So what am I doing anything for?

I'm not crying to be famous or anything, I just wish I truly believed in what I try to convey in stories and videos and blogs and...all that stuff....I really wish I did.

I wish I believed in redemption and hope...but I'm forsaken and hopeless, so how can I?

Love is a fantasy to me; hate is reality. Anger washes over happiness....

What's my purpose here? Why do I even breathe? ...I wonder if anyone would really care if I stopped breathing...

Not like it matters. I don't know what writing this accomplished...probably nothing except a few eye roll and "get over its" but oh well.

I guess I just wanted tosay it somehow to anyone if anyone cares to read it.

I'm a mangled individual, who doesn't even fully understand himself ...

Just worthless really...

Comments

[TheOfficialFish]

I just signed up to this site to tell you to go to therapy. I know those same feelings, staring into the mirror and seeing a monster. I got used to it, forgot what it was like to feel happy. Therapy helped me, It let me feel real again. I hope that it can do the same for you.

[RandomPerson65]

Woah man. I don't think it's good to think these thoughts. I think you migh need therapy. Anyway, I think you write because you enjoy it and other people do as well. I loved your Blooming Talent story and its spinoffs.