the struggle

why I don't write
it isn't that i have no ideas
the ideas are always in my brain
and boy are there a lot of them
too many of them
so many unfulfilled story arcs i could fix
so many tangents I could shoot off and make my own
it's a bit disgusting how much i imagine
but i don't write
i can't
because i know that how matter hard I try i feel i can't do my ideas justice
i'd be doing a disservice to the source material
i'd be destroying what i love with my pathetic attempts at creation like a 3 year old doing a painting in homage to davinci
so i sit and wait with a brain overflowing with ideas
and i rip myself apart from the inside
because i can't write as fast as the ideas come and as soon as i begin
they're already gone and I know I just wasted something that was important
to me and I just can't get it back
I'm in a lose lose situation where I can either feel completely dissatisfied with the
total shit i can manage to pump out of my head or i can sit and stew in my own ideas
but the longer i wait the more real something seems to me but IT'S NOT REAL
NONE OF IT'S REAL
and it's so much harder than it should be than it is for any other person
I've never had trouble knowing what was real and what wasn't but it's just accepting
what is and what isn't that makes me so sad
ugh
sometimes i make myself want to vomit
and i feel so bad because it's SO FUCKING STUPID
i just want so hard for the things I love to be real
but they aren't
but I keep watching them keep listening to them because I want so bad
but I have to live with it
and I know I'm now a special snowflake like some fucking tumblrina
i guess i just have to be more patient

2015-02-09 11:40PM

dear god I hope nobody reads this it's fucking embarassing
i hope they just click the notification button to get rid of it and let this rot
but it feels better now
at least
for a little while

unnecessary drama rant over
good night guys