Fifty shades of bad advice

While browsing reddit, I came across an infographic of sorts. Its main idea is that. while Fifty Shades of Grey has a lot of grammar errors, examples of those same errors can be found in better-received examples of English literature.

It is not a good infographic. It perpetuates falsehoods about grammar and commits atrocities against innocent prose. Let's examine these "Top Grammar Mistakes in Fifty Shades of Grey." Is that post top grammar, or is it just a mistake?

1. Punctuation errors in complex sentences.

2. Comma misuse

These are basically the same thing, since the examples chosen (The Notebook and Hemingway's A Moveable Feast) are both lacking a comma in a complex sentence. Both really do need commas in those positions (although Grammarly didn't fix all the comma errors present), so this isn't entirely irredeemable.

3. Wordiness

Well, that's vague. Let's turn to the explanation Grammarly gives us:

Actually, this is sort of a really common mistake. (Words like "actually," "sort of," and "really" add unnecessary length to your writing.)

Now, there's definitely a difference between "This is a common mistake" and "Actually, this is sort of a really common mistake." The latter is less formal, because people use words like those as empty vessels whose meaning is filled by their tone of voice. Dropping such words and phrases is a good idea in technical writing, which sacrifices emotion for utility. But we're talking about fiction writing, where emotion reigns supreme and utility is merely a royal adviser.

Their example?

"Each time you happen to me all over again."
~ Edith Wharton, The Age of Innocence

I don't know if that's a good sentence or not, but let's look at the suggested correction to the "wordiness." Dropping "all over" doesn't change the meaning, and it makes the sentence shorter. That's indisputably true.

But this looks like in-character narration. Imagine an actor saying that sentence aloud. Wouldn't they slow down at that point, using "all over" as a checkpoint to drag out their cadence? Instead of a faux-factual "you happen to me again," they'd start to purr affectionately at the end of the sentence, which expresses how much they enjoy the other character's company.

I submit that this "correction" is tone-deaf and makes the sentence worse.

4. Colloquialisms

Although it is largely stylistic, the choice to use informal language -- including contractions -- can diminish the perception of your writing.

That's all well and good, but the example they chose emphasizes "largely stylistic" and lacks any evidence of "can diminish."

I'm not going to quote the whole example passage, just a relevant portion:

[Love is not] lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No...don't do not blush. I am telling you some truths.
Louis de Berières, Captain Corelli's Mandolin

What's the difference?

"No, don't blush" is empathetic. The subtext is "I understand you find this embarrassing to talk about in public, but, well, that is a common misconception that people have about love, and I can't just pretend it isn't."

"No, do not blush" is imperious. The subtext is "You are wrong to be embarrassed, and you should stop. I am speaking The Truth, and you would do well to listen."

It's a big change, isn't it? (Or, rather, it is a significant change, is it not?) Merely choosing whether to use a contraction changes the characterization you are conveying. The kind of character who'd say "don't blush" is not the kind of character who'd say "do not blush."

I don't have access to the original text, so I don't know who is speaking to whom, and I don't know what kind of character they are. But I'm going to assume that de Berières knew what he was doing. Apparently, he is a native Briton, despite what his name might lead you to believe, and he would recognize this difference just as well as I do.

So I guess the most parsimonious explanation is that Grammarly is in the wrong again.

5. Accidentally confused words

Words like "round" and "around" are commonly confused in writing, and may not be discovered by spelling and grammar checkers.

That's absolutely correct. (Side note: don't trust grammar checkers unless you already know the rules they try to embody. Computers cannot parse the English language, so grammar checkers take lots of shortcuts and sometimes get it wrong.)

But the example doesn't demonstrate accidental confusion of words. It demonstrates obsolete spelling.

See, it quotes an F. Scott Fitzgerald novel, and the novel uses the word "to-night". That is an archaic spelling of "tonight." According to this Stack Exchange post, the transition was still underway when Fitzgerald wrote that passage.

Oops.

6. Sentence fragments

Creating a sentence with no subject or no verb is one way to emphasize an idea. However, sentence fragments are technically errors in writing.

Sentence fragments are technically errors, but they are not actually errors. (This is similar to how the Grammarly post is technically an infographic but is actually a blog post.)

What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.
~ Chuck Palaniuk, Choke

Compare this to the "corrected" version:

What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. I need somebody who is addicted to me. I need a mutual addiction.

It fills a box on the checklist, and it obeys the commandment "Thou shalt write in complete sentences for all of your days. I am the Lord your god." (This is not an actual commandment.) But ask yourself: does it actually read better this way?

I say it doesn't.

7. Determiners

Words such as "a," "an," and "the" help writers to be specific about what they are talking about.

Okay. Articles are an integral part of the English language. Apparently they're called "determiners" now, but whatever. And using "a" instead of "the" is going to leave your readers with the wrong impression.

So will the example given.

You and I, it's as though we have been taught to kiss in heaven and sent down to the earth together, to see if we know what we're taught.
~ Boris Pasternak, Doctor Zhivago

Are they serious? No, they can't be serious.

For starters, why does "earth" get the article treatment? Why isn't it corrected to "we have been taught to kiss in a heaven" or "in the heaven"?

Well, because that's not how it works in English. Heaven is a place, but you don't have to capitalize it for some reason. Why? Who knows? Earth is a place, too, but you don't have to capitalize it. (In fact, it would be silly to do so, since that usually happens when we're talking about its meaning as a planet, rather than as the physical plane of human existence.)

Now, you can say "the earth." But you don't have to.

You might have guessed that I'm starting to get tired of this, and you'd be right. But the next one...oh boy. Please fasten your seat belts, because Grammarly has committed an act of supreme hubris.

8. Prepositions

Prepositions help to show where (or when) one thing is in relation to another. Correctly using prepositions helps readers to better visualize what is happening in your writing.

We are such stuff as on which dreams are made on; and our little life is rounded with a sleep.
~ William Shakespeare, The Tempest

Did...

did they just...

did they try and pull the "no prepositions at the end of a sentence"

ON FUCKING SHAKESPEARE?

THIS IS NONSENSE UP WITH WHICH I WILL NOT PUT

First of all, you can use a preposition at the end of a sentence if it is natural. There are only two reasons not to:

1. if you would like to be stiffly formal
2. to avoid being accosted by misinformed pedants

Look at what they've done to Shakespeare: "We are such stuff on which dreams are made on." They didn't even fix the mistake they were trying to fix! They left "on" at the end of the sentence! And try saying both versions aloud. I think you'll find that Shakespeare got the meter right, and Grammarly did not. Do not fuck with Shakespeare, especially not to propagate falsehoods about grammar.

There's just one more and then I can finally say "fuck this thing."

9. Passive voice

Using passive voice is a stylistic choice in writing -- not necessarily a grammar error. However, using the passive voice can cause a lack of clarity in your writing.

Given Grammarly's track record for sucking at style, and given that even they admit that the passive voice isn't always wrong, hopes are not exactly high.

In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. I will not repress my feelings. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.
~ Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

Well, I guess that's not horrible. But look how far our standards have fallen! We set out expecting actual grammar advice, and now we are lauding Grammarly for not completely destroying the nuances of a beloved work of literature.

But Austen's passive voice is better than Grammarly's active voice. What Grammarly calls "a lack of clarity" actually makes for a more powerful sentiment. "I will not repress my feelings" means just that: the character isn't going to bottle up their feelings anymore. But "My feelings will not be repressed" is so much stronger. Their feelings will not be repressed...by what? By anything.

Oh well, at least they didn't confuse a progressive tense for the passive voice. That would have been really embarrassing.

I'll let Midnight Radio Hotline have the final word:

[9:31:49 PM] Midnight Radio Hotline: Grammarly is shit.
[9:35:23 PM] Midnight Radio Hotline: I repeat, Grammarly is shit.

Comments

[Majin Syeekoh]

In vain I have struggled.

Jane Austen confirmed for Yoda.

[Manaphy]

See, it quotes an F. Scott Fitzgerald novel, and the novel uses the word "to-night". That is an archaic spelling of "tonight." According to this Stack Exchange post, the transition was still underway when Fitzgerald wrote that passage.

Given that I've started reading The Great Gatsby once again, I was curious as to when the transition took place. Looks like I have my answer.

Anyway, that was an interesting read, and I like how you were able to defend your arguments perfectly and proved how wrong Grammarly was on so many things when it comes to fiction writing. Thanks for taking the time to write up that response.

[9:31:49 PM] Midnight Radio Hotline: Grammarly is shit.
[9:35:23 PM] Midnight Radio Hotline: I repeat, Grammarly is shit.

That's definitely true.

[Rainedash]

6. Sentence fragments

To add to this, fragments are fine when it comes to thoughts, dialogue, and first person narration. People don't always think and speak in complete sentences.