*SPOILERS* Review to the Oneshot: Wittle Woona and Cewestia's Day Off by superpony55 · 4:36am Jan 26th, 2015
Wittle Woona and Cewestia's Day Off
Ah yes, the youth. All strangely having a lisp that may sound cute, but could easily come off a being annoying.
The story is read from the now overused diary/flashback point and view, but this is an older story, so I'll try to keep it at the times. Luna or Woona, as in the story is writing in her diary as she waits for her older sister Cewestia to visit after apparently three months have gone. There isn't much that is going to happen as you are reading through the writings of a little filly.
This is where the story does its best job, you kind of feel like you're reading her diary (for some reason), without anything being taken away from the story. There are lots of misused words and notes from corrections added throughout to show that while Woona is young, she's still learning how to spell.
But I do have a problem with the lisp that Woona has throughout the story. I don't know anyone who would write in a lisp if they talk in a lisp, it got annoying real quick after the charm faded. If the lisp was necessary, I think writing it in a different style, compared to the diary/flashback, would've been more efficient. I find it weird that everyone says Woona and Cewestia's name with a lisp, even the parent, for no reason what so ever.
This story commits the author's sin of telling, not showing, but in the end, I agree with it here. It's a little filly's diary, she's probably not that big on explanations or setting up the scene. She'd just go into what happened.
Why, Diary, why would Tia change in just three months?
This is never shown to us, we don't know what changed in Cewestia, we're just told she did. At first, this bugged me, but like it said, I agreed with it after I thought about it.
One big problem I had with this story was that the dialog was just awkward to me, it sounded too cheesy to be real. I don't think this is because of Woona writing it, she's picking up what her parents and sister are saying, so it shouldn't be that awkward.
"Yes, Celestia. We haven't seen you for three months. And when you say you're coming, you never do! And then you just show up, after three MONTHS?" Daddy boomed. I think Tia must have flinched at that because then Mommy lowered her voice.
"We just wanted to see you, Tia. It's unfair to disappoint not just us, but your little sister, too! Don't you love her? Don't you love us?" Sounded just like what I'd been thinking.
A bit more thought could've been put into that or at least a second draft.
This story wasn't meant to have a plot or to really be thought-provoking. It's just a spur of the moment thing that tries to be cute which it is for the first couple of paragraphs. But when the cuteness fades, there isn't anything else to hold it up, it's just there. It's not bad, and you won't be scratching your head to why it exists, but you probably won't be thinking about it for too long after you click the next page.
I'm giving this one-shot a 5/10: it's average with very little meat on it's bones. I'm going to have to give it the thumbs down in recommendation for that reason though. People will find it cute and harmless, and it can be, but I like some extra things to make the story stick with me.
